Titan
“This hunk of ice cream smells worse than Uranus! But it's a Googol times more dank.”
Titan is a moon orbiting Saturn. Recent observations suggest it might orbit Neptune too, but astrologers remain doubtful. Titan is the only known source of the element titanium, an element stronger than even industrial adamantium. Titan is also covered in oceans of Coca-Cola, and is home to several sub-species of anthropomorphic polar bears who worship Dack Prescott.
Discovery of Titan[edit]
Titan has been known since ancient times, because it's so fucking big. In 1993, astrologer Kurt Vonnegut wrote his name next to Titan in the library's copy of The Young Person's Guide to the Great Big Universe and subsequently became credited with its discovery.
The Catholic church did not recognize the existence of Titan until October, 2001, following its overthrow by the Church of God the Utterly Indifferent.
Climate of Titan[edit]
Titan has a nice southwest breeze. Titan's a little too much like Key West for my taste. Sure, it's a nice break in the winter but during the summer it's way too hot and there's all those big flies. Terrible.
Life on Titan[edit]
Since its discovery it has been obvious that things were living on Titan. I mean, come on, look at Titan and tell me there's not shit living there. See, you can't can you? Stop acting so fucking smart, mister.
Titan is inhabited by two major forms of life, Stegosaurs and Sirens. Sirens are routinely hunted and exported to Earth, where they make lovely additions to police cars and other law enforcement vehicles. The Stegosaurs are believed to be ecologically linked to the planet's Coca-Cola supply, and hunting of them is forbidden, although some poaching does occur. Personally, I prefer them hard-boiled. There are no anchovies on Titan.
Bigness of Titan[edit]
Titan is a pretty big place. Imagine your grandmother and grandfather having sex. That doesn't really have to do with the size of Titan, but I wanted to see if I could make you do it. Titan's about as big as New York City, if one enlarged New York City to be the size of Titan.
Exploration of Titan[edit]
In early 2005, Titan sent the Vonnegut probe to planet Earth to look for signs of intelligent life. The results were so disappointingly negative that Titan got demoted to an asteroid (like being put in time out, but for space rocks).
Titan in Literature[edit]
Titan was featured in children author Hans Christan Huygens' childrens' non-fiction book The Sirens, Stegosaurs and Soda-Pop of Titan, or a Cinderella Story]]. It was also involved in the plot of the movie Blue Gene Blues.
The most widely viewed is the 1997 film Titanic, directed by Obi Wan Kenobi and starring Leonardo (ninja turtle) and Katie Holmes. It became the highest-grossing film in history. It also won 42 out of 14 Academy Awards, tying with Futurama; Benders Big Score (2008 film)|Futurama (2008) and later, The Return of the Jedi (film)|The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Jedi (1981) for the most awards won.
The absolutely horrible and rude book, Titan by Stephen Baxter depicts Space Shuttle Challenger taking schoolchildren on a field trip to Titan during mission STS-51L. Unfortunately a stupid autistic child set the seas of liquid cow farts on fire so he could roast a marshmallow, although these were proven to not exist when the space probe Cadillac-Hyundai landed on Titan and the Sun in 8289 BC. Other books by Stephen Baxter include Noah's Long Ark, Why you should sterilize your children, and Mien Kampf.
Titan Today[edit]
In July the International Astrological Union proposed replacing Pluto with Titan, to end all this planet debate. Engineers are currently firguring out the logistics of it. But Congress is being a smelly pants and giving all funding intended for NASA instead to the newly formed Department of Offensiveness.