UKIP
The UKIP is a British political party for people who find the British National Party (BNP) proletarian and scary. The UKIP keeps its racism subliminal and offers cheap populism from nice posh people in "proper" jobs who own shares (in the arms industry, probably). The party is based on the vision of "A Britain of every colour outside the EU" put forward by leader Nigel Farage, who recently changed his name by deed poll to Nickel Forager to reflect his long-running practice of exposing corruption in the EU by claiming more in expenses than any other MEP.
The party now has 24 Members of the European Parliament following the 2014 elections, which made them the biggest joke contingent from Britain attending that august body. This success has been put down to the BBC supporting the party in the belief everyone needs a rest from real politics and that UKIP ('Kippers') are light entertainment for the masses.
UKIP is officially a broad-spectrum coalition open to anyone staunchly opposed to European integration and expansionism, except with regard to expenses. Unofficially, you must be barkingly right-wing, have had at least five green-ink letters published in the Daily Telegraph and be middle-aged, and, for the most part, don't actually know what the European Union is. It's also preferable that you be a failed businessman or minor celebrity although this isn't essential. A cheap plastic bowler hat with a union flag on it is also an advantage, as is a belief that God wouldn't have given you two hands if he didn't mean you to grasp as much as you possibly can with them. They're basically the BNP for passive-agressive people, making it a perfect fit for Daily Mail readers.
UKIP Manifesto
The official Manifesto of UKIP is as follows:
- Total withdrawl from the EU while still ensuring UKIP MEPs can claim full expenses.
- Complete Integration into NAFTA or, failing that, the USA (this is not hypocritical, okay)
- An Invasion of France, largely by UKIP members looking for a second home
- Compulsory fox-hunting
- Closed borders except to those with Anglo-Saxon blood. UKIP believes Britain is "full", but there's always room for the right kind of people.
- Kick out all of those foreigners (except, of course, Americans, Australians, New Zealanders and (non-French-speaking) Canadians)
- A complete abandonment of any and all policy designed to combat global warming. UKIP believe it does not exist and is the invention of a global conspiracy of scientists who have made it their life's work to tax UKIP members for owning horrible big cars.
- A "Royal Commission" to determine whether Global Warming exists. Since UKIP believes it doesn't, the commission are only allowed to come to one conclusion and if they don't the commission will simply declare that they "need to see more evidence" in perpetuity. Take that scientific method!
- Removal of state subsidy for gay pride marches or non-English cultural celebration, regardless of whether they bring money to the local economy or not. State subsidies to be diverted to the Royal Family instead, as is proper.
- 'Relocation camps' for all non English-speaking people refusing to leave to be opened in Dover, Land's End and Treblinka.
- Hang on, who will do all of the shitty jobs then?
- Bollocks, I'm off to the Costa del Stupid.
Other Manifestos
In Scotland, UKIP are roughly a third as popular as salmon. UKIP would impose the following policies on the citizens of Scotland. This is, of course, "completely different" from the EU making policy for England Britain. Should Scotch terrorists and traitors attempt separation, UKIP would send Her Majesty's armed forces forth to Glasgow and Edinburgh until they stopped being so silly.
- Scottish separation from the UK is different from UK independence from the EU. It's separation, you see, not independence. What? Shut up and know your place, Jock!
- Spend yet more public money deconstructing the Scottish Parliament building
- Move the Scottish Parliment to an old unsuitable but "Historic" building
(in line with UKIP "past not progress" policies)
- Abolishment of the Scottish Parliment
- Recycle the rubble from the Scottish Parliment by repairing and enlarging Hadrians Wall.
- to cut off the rifraff from up north, the wall would also be partial built around the oil pipeline to allow the secure transfer of
Scottish Oil southEnglish Oil through the principality.
Similar policies would likely be imposed on Wales, probably without any modification since UKIP clearly have no care for anyone who does not reside in the home counties. Offa's Dyke is to be dug deeper as the Romans, for some reason, did not build a wall around Wales. Although they were only trainee Italians anyway, so building two walls on one island would be a problem, unless a Sicilian legion got the contract.
Obviously, a big wall cannot be built around Northern Ireland, so the UKIP would instead place a huge blockade around it, "to keep the bloody leeches out of England." Otherwise, they might decide to conquer Ireland and saturate it with Englishmen, "to show those bloody Taigs what's what."
History
After his sudden but temporary ban from the airwaves for allowing two guests on his show to actually murder each other and providing the handguns that they committed the deeds with, Jerry Springer found himself in need of a scapegoat. He settled on the EU In his quest to find the EU to blame, he moved to Britain, where he discovered loads guys in a pub who agreed with him. They all got completely hammered and suddenly decided to found their own political party. Then the other members expelled Springer after he was caught being a clown in Chavham for some strange reason.
Since its formation and instant rise to power the party has overseen many sweeping reforms including the compulsory introduction of pet spades for every weevil. Said weevil will eventually snap and eat Jerry Springer, which will for some reason enable it to take over the world.
Campaign against the Euro currency
UKIP were quick to point out how little the UK has achieved in 300 years, the pound is really the only thing that the UK is known for. UKIP pointed out that by swapping bits of paper for smaller more colourful bits of paper most of the would would forget the UK even existed.
Some UKIP economist predicted that converting to the Euro could have similar effects to a 500,000 megaton nuclear bomb being detonated in Manchester. (And for some reason believe this is a bad thing.)
As well as the numerous advantages of the Euro, supporters of the single currency also point out the fact that nobody really gives a shit what currency the UK uses.
Recently the party have suggested that they may change their logo as they feel the argument has been won. It is not clear what the logo could be changed to, since there is nothing else can really represent Britain.
Current Members
Current members include Rusty Lee, Peter Crouch, 'H' from Steps, Mike Glennon, Chris Ruddock and Sooty. Sooty is campaigning for UKIP to introduce a puppet government.
Leaders
UKIP was formerly led by Rogerette Knapman (a nazi). It is likely that it will be in need of one soon, as most of the party membership consists of self-declared legends to save people from bitches
The only famous leader of the party was a man called Robert Kilroy-Silk. He was, and remains, mostly famous for being very orange and butt-fucking Garfield kiddy-rides in urban shopping precincts.
Another former leader is chinless fuckhead Nigel Farrago, a member of the European Pretend Parliament, who spends his time collecting his huge salary and obscene expenses so as to discredit all European pretend politicians. This hilarious prankster is mostly famous for sending a spam e-mail to every local Councillor in Great Britain asking them to join UKIP as the only pretend political party and getting so pissed that his 'personal assistant' has to carry him out of Belgian restaurants. Essentially, he is taking the piss.
In early 2010, Farrago called for a ban on the wearing of burkas. This is because of his fierce feminist beliefs. During the 2010 General Election campaign Farage survived a plane crash when the 'UKIP' banner his private plane was trailing became wrapped around the aircraft. Wrapped rather like a Mexican wrap, or a Sikh headdress, or some kind of arab headwear.
Since 2010
Farrago returned as leader of UKIP or 'The Kippers' as their policies smelt. Thanks to everyone else becoming even less popular than Farrago, the party is poised to become the government in 2015. In 2014 the party came first in a four way ugly mug contest - beating David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg - at the European Parliament elections. Farrago said this predicted he will be entertaining his mates at Number 10 with a trip down the boozer for everyone invited (assuming of course that Ed settles the £1 trillion bar tab that he ran up between 2007 and 2010).
Triumph and Tragedy and Nigel
In 2015 the party gained four million votes and one seat, UKIP voters managing to fail to get their shit together to mobilise like minded bigots. In 2016 they hit political pay dirt with their success in the Brexit referendum. !7 million people bought their line about hordes of smelly foreigners about to take their jobs, cars and trousers. Farage resigned and the party looks forward to a new leader to be their own homegrown Donald Trump. Former London mayor Boris Johnson may apply - if he leaves the Conservative Party.
For Nigel Farage, he judged that his work was done. He stepped down as party leader and persuaded them to back a Diane James as their new leader. She lasted 18 days before resigning. Farage then returned as temporary leader until UKIP members voted for someone in their own image: Skinhead Paul Nuttall, a former veteran of the Boer War and First World War flying ace. He had also scored all the goals for Liverpool and Everton in the 1970s. This at least it was reported to have been on his website before it got changed.
In October 2017 Henry 'Badger Strangler' Bolton [1] was elected the leader of the party. An ex-military man, thrice married and who previously ran as a parliamentary candidate for the pro-EU Liberal Democrat party. Bolton's enhanced public standing (from an exact zero) gained him the attention of party member and part-time model/singer Jo Marney. He left wife three for her but then got into trouble when Marney claimed American actress Meghan Markle with her part African-American parentage would result in a black King, if Prince Harry was able to remove his brother Prince William and family from the royal succession.
By February 2018, UKIP realised they needed another leader. Bolton and his girlfriend Marney were sacked as leaders and replaced my interim stand-in Gerard Batten. Batten ('Batty') wants all foreigners to sign a pledge to drink tea and play bowls or face immediate expulsion.
Rival Party
In January 2019 the former party leader Nigel Farage set up a rival to UKIP. Called simply the Brexit Party, Farage's new organisation was UKIP with the intention to be less mad than his old outfit. They quickly gained momentum. Ex or current UKIPPERS joined in their thousands. In a response, UKIP encouraged on-line trolls to join them. One of these went under the moniker of 'Sargon of Akkad', a well known precursor of UKIP philosophy the the 3rd millennium...BC in modern day Iraq.
In the June 2019 European Elections UKIP was wiped out, their vote going to Farage. Batten resigned. Current UKIP status: On-life support. In August 2019 the party was beaten into last place by the Monster Raving Loony Party in a by-election for Brecon and Radnorshire. The MRLP's leader Alan 'Unfunny' Laud has proposed a full merger between the two parties. He said 'we want to unite all the loonies in one broad tent with the flaps open'.
'Richard' Dick Braine takes over
In August 2019 the party held another election for leader. In a bitter struggle, Dick Braine narrowly beat Mike Hunt and Hugh Jarse to lead what was left of UKIP.
References
- ↑ Henry Bolton hates badgers. Claimed he got into shape by strangling badgers caught by farmers.