UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Tuesday, May 28, 2024, 22:52:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
2. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
3. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
4. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
5. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
6. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
7. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
8. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
9. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
10. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
11. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
12. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
13. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
14. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
15. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
16. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
17. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
18. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
19. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
20. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
21. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
22. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
23. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
24. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
25. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
26. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
27. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
28. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
29. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
30. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
31. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
32. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
33. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
34. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
35. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
36. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
37. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
38. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
39. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
40. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
41. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize sadistically
42. To crystallize a diode, is to crystallize {{adv})
43. Jack Daniels is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.