UnNews:ISIS protest exclusion from Olympics

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, May 14, 2024, 21:16:59 (UTC)
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8 August 2016

ISIS have access to plenty of Nike trainers.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil -- The Islamic State ('ISIS') have condemned their exclusion from the 2016 Rio Olympic Games. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) confirmed the ban, imposed when I.S. declared a worldwide jihad against 'crusaders', Jews, homosexuals, and Pokemon GO.

Speaking from a foxhole near Raqqa, a spokes-terrorist said the ban was 'unjustifiable' and a slur on Islam. He said Islamic State had as much right to appear as 'drug-fueled' Russians and 'degenerate' Americans.

"We loudly denounce this ban," said the terrorist, who identified him- or herself only as 'Target K'. "Our fighters...er...athletes are battle-hardened and ready to launch an attack...er...qualification unmatched since ermm..the last time we competed." IS may have seen that the IOC were arrayed against them when the IOC rebuffed an earlier IS proposal to change the Marksmanship phase of the triathlon, replacing rifles with swords.

Islamic State said they had a full slate of athletes to compete in all the Olympic sports, including guns, suicide runs, and bomb detonations. Target K said IS would 'beat the pants' off any Kurdish rebels, Taliban and Al-Qaida, as IS compete in all weight classes with specially weighted fanny-packs.

"I predict..." the spokes-terrorist began to continue, when unfortunately communication was cut by a confirmed USA drone strike. However, Islamic State websites asserted that the group will continue to protest its exclusion in 'all appropriate venues,' such as shopping malls, discotheques, and theatres.

Sources[edit]

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