UnNews:Iceland to take Iceland to court over identity

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25 September 2016

Financially destitute Iceland is taking financially destitute Iceland to court for being called Iceland, and being financially destitute, which is bad for the frozen markets.

REYKJAVIK, Iceland -- The government of Iceland may go to court to defend their country’s name, after retail giant Iceland indicated that it was considering legal action to protect its identity.

The British purveyor of frozen treats employs more than 20,000 staff across 850 stores, meaning it has a greater population and more buildings than its Scandinavian namesake. Up to 2009, Iceland was controlled by Icelandic retail conglomerate Baugur before being passed to Icelandic banks when it became snowed under with debt. The same thing happened to the retail chain, who have been keen to disassociate with the country and boost their trade in a challenging market.

An Iceland spokesperson said on Friday: “Iceland has traded under the name Iceland since the 1970s, when Iceland itself was only known for exporting frozen cod and Miss Worlds in bulk. This poured cold water on our developing retail business for many years, as customers tended to be limited to heart patients seeking a boost in omega 3, or perverts seeking a bit of blondie-porn.”

Promote Iceland — part of the country’s foreign ministry — said it shall not be left out in the cold by a chain supermarket that specialises in cheap, frozen party nibbles and fronted by a chav reality TV star with child-support issues and a cocaine addiction.

The ministry said that their Iceland has the world’s strongest men, the world’s most attractive women, Bjork, the northern lights and volcanoes. And the only time “snow” gets up their nose while heading downhill, is when they fall off their skis. Despite the Viking DNA, Icelandics are far more likely to be seen dressed from head-to-toe from Topshop — keeping the horned helmets and fur coats for weekends, ceremonies and invasions.

By comparison, the demographic of the retail Iceland is made up of tattooed teenage single mothers seeking vodka at 50p per litre, bulk condom deals, cheap tracksuits and a copy of Heat Magazine. The desire to lay waste to a foreign country is satisfied by the annual Easyjet trip to Playa Englis in Gran Canaria, with its five-for-one offers on shooters, and not a paella or tapas bar in sight.

The issue may prove to be an unwanted distraction for the country as it concentrates on a fightback, following years of economic downturn and arguments with the Danish over bacon naming strategies. If the retailer’s case is successful, Iceland will turn its attention to forcing other countries to change their name, to protect the integrity of the products lining their shelves.

Lebanon bologna, French toast and the Belgian waffle are also very much on Iceland’s hit-list. However, there are to-date no plans to force the US into court to protect the Boston baked bean, as it is anticipated that by early 2017 the US will completely re-branded as The Trump Organization.

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