UnNews:Kraft and Heinz to stir a Big Soup

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23 March 2015

Analysts expect the merger to turn the processed food industry upside-down.

BUFFETT'S WARREN, Pennsylvania -- Corner shops, chocoholics and greasy spoons throughout the world are in a Twirl over Wispas of the imminent merger between Kraft and H.J. Heinz.

The Fresh Take on the Fusion of the two corporate food Heroes occurred when venture capitalists concluded that Americans would jump at the chance to add ketchup to their cheese dogs without an intervening step. The companies' marketeers have noted many other combinations of foods that will be simplified by the merger, giving a Boost to sales of the combined company.

Omaha gazillionaire Warren Buffett noted the possibilities for profit when he took Heinz private in 2013, and said it will be a Golden Biscuit to go in the exact opposite direction now. His Brazilian partners in the investment nodded at the press conference to Rolo out the transaction, as anything positive will beat anything slated for Brazil in the next decade. Kraft, meanwhile, spun off unrelated food lines in 2012 as Mondelez, a corporation of intense interest to the LGBT community but unpronounceable by anyone else. Kraft expressed comparable interest in taking on equally unrelated food lines now.

U.S. President Obama was at the announcement, and noted that the merger would increase the salary of Buffett's personal secretary Debbie Bosanek, a Sour Patch as she continues paying higher taxes than either man. Obama has called on the nation to Fudge this anomaly by jacking up taxes on stock profits. Buffett again agreed with him, as he famously never sells his shares anyway.

Consumers, however, are asking the company to take Time Out to rethink the imminent all-you-can-eat Buffett. Pat Perkins, senior manager of the “Starvin' Marvin” lunch wagon that appears at noontime beside Retford’s A1 Truck Stop here in suburban Philadelphia said, “This is scraping the bottom of the Cracker Barrel for a quick profit. My customers travel thousands of miles to eat here and expect a certain standard of condiment to their pan-fried breakfast.

“How are they going to react when I serve Baked beans in chocolate sauce on their fried bread, or Kool Aid Ketchup on their hogies? One of my regulars always buys a crème egg as a treat on arriving at junction 24; imagine when he discovers it has a cheese and chive filling! That’s putting lives at risk.”

Younger consumers, however, have shown a thirst for natural and organic ingredients, as well as an interest in trendy fusion-food. And Kraft had a major recall recently, after customers found parts of a Chevrolet in their Macaroni and Cheese, prompting a full re-assessment of their business model and car parking arrangements.

Coming up with a Crunchie new name for the company post-merger is proving no Picnic either. For now, the Marketing Executives have focused on product titles. Foods soon to be hitting the shelves include Shake and Flake, Jerk Singles, Fruit and Nut Athenos and squeezy bottles of Heinz Jet-Puffed Fuckup.

Heinz assured consumers on Twitter that the new range of products will be very tasty and not contain any car parts. He was also keen to stress that as a tomato-sauce company, they always come into their own when the chips are down – especially if you stick a chocolate Curly Wurly in the top.

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