UnNews:Scott Kelly refuses to return from ISS

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25 February 2016

Kelly: "340 days I been asking NASA's permission to piss. I can't squeeze a drop without their say-so."

LOWER EARTH ORBIT -- Astronaut Scott Kelly is refusing to come down from the ISS, after stating he has become institutionalized, and will struggle with the concept of being "just another ex-astronaut" on his return to Earth.

Kelly left earth in March 2015 and, except for some spacewalks, has been aboard the International Space station ever since. He is scheduled to return to Earth on March 1st, having spent 340 days in space.

However, at the last minute, the astronaut explained to a shocked Houston that he has become fearful of the world below and the feeling of insignificance borne of freedom. He explained that, on the ISS, he is a man who can get things; cigarettes, a bag of reefer, if that's your thing, a bottle of brandy to celebrate your kid's high school graduation — a regular Sears and Roebuck. Back on earth, he felt he would just become another washed-out old astronaut, telling his story for free hooch on the Cruise Ship circuit.

The year-long mission was to test the effects of long-duration spaceflight on the human body, as well as the psychological effects of isolation. NASA also studied his brother, who remained on Earth. Since they are identical twins, researchers had a first-of-a-kind chance to understand how body and mind changes in space.

When asked about how he felt about being appointed for such an important piece of research, particularly as eyes are turning towards Mars, Kelly said: ”There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, because you people think I should be. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who volunteered. I want to talk to him. I want to try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't.

"That kid's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Volunteering? It's just a bullshit word. So you go on and write your article, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a shit."

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