Snowboard Kids
| Snowboard Kids | |
|---|---|
 The box art for the first Snowboard Kids game. | |
| Developer(s) | Fatlus |
| Release date | Snowboard Kids: 1997, Snowboard Kids 2: 1999, SBK: Snowboard Kids DS: 2005 (unfortunately, not cancelled in development) |
| Genre | Spanking and snowboarding combined |
| Platform(s) | Nintendo 64, PlayStation, Nintendo DS |
| Rating | P (Pedophiles) |
| Would Black Jesus play it? | Yep |
“In Soviet Russia, Snowboard rides YOU!”
Snowboard Kids is a video game series published (and later ruined) by Fatlus Games, that started out on Nintendo 64, and then died from a horrible AIDS-related nosebleed. After two successful installments on the N64 (and one on the original PlayStation that was just Snowboard Kids 1 with added load times), Fatlus released an installment on Nintendo DS, that fans of the series try their hardest to ignore entirely.
Gameplay[edit]
Fatlus decided to take the premise of Mario Kart but put the racers on snowboards instead. In each race, the kids have a friendly ride down a slope while hitting each other with bombs and frying pans and while cursing one another with departed spirits. At the end of each lap, they get into a nice, orderly line as they try to shove each other out of the way of the ski lift. Races take place on traditional snowboarding venues such as mountain slopes, tropical islands, underwater, outer space, and inside Wendy's House.
Characters[edit]
Slash Kamei: An energetic boy with pointy hair. In other words, the main character. Also commonly associated with Kitten Huffing
Linda Maltinie: This bratty bitch had a disease when she was little, but, much to her parents' dismay, she somehow survived. She has the superpower to snowboard down icy slopes in a bikini without freezing to death, as well as to convert unsuspecting gamers into pedophiles. Her boobs make her the most popular character in the series, but in spite of this, she was replaced in the DS remake by her younger brother Brad.
Nancy Neil: The developers wanted to make sure that all kinds of girls were represented in the roster. Since Linda takes care of the bitches, they decided to make Nancy, who represents all the obnoxious girls that think they're so cute. Judging by her bunny outfit, she does not consider herself human. With Linda's glaring absence in the DS game, Fatlus opted to give Nancy a total personality change and turned her into the series' nasty, cold-hearted bitch. Seriously, what the fuck?!
Jam Kuehnemund: The token black guy, Jam is grouchy, has dreadlocks, and loves rap music, which totally does not play off any racial stereotypes whatsoever. In Snowboard Kids 2, he possesses the amazing ability to pull last-second wins out of his ass as an AI opponent every single time.
Tommy Parsy: The developers then realized that they could make the game sell better if they made a character with whom the average video gamer could sympathize. So they created Tommy, a morbidly obese kid who craves hamburgers all the time. For Snowboard Kids DS, Tommy traded in his fat for muscle, and just like Nancy, traded in his gentle, mild-mannered demeanor for that of a grade-A douchebag.
Shinobin: A badass ninja character. They were going to hire a cool pirate character, but, of course, the ninja scared him away.
Kaede: Another badass ninja character, but this time, she's a cute one. she appears to be Shinobins sibling, but it hasn't been confirmed yet, her only appearance is in Snowboard Kids Plus for the PS1, nothing else, she's a cool character and we like to see more of this chick!
Damien: Satan's illegitimate son, nobody pays any attention to this guy and his failarious schemes to try and ruin the Snowboard Kids races. All he does is cry anyway.
Mr. Dog: A creepy animal who sells snowboards to the kids. Investigators claim that he also sells them meth, but this has yet to be confirmed.
Coach: Due to the economic recession, no one could hire a real coach for the children. So, they settled on this penguin instead.
Wendy Lane: Introduced in Snowboard Kids 2, Wendy is notable for her huge glasses, a cute Brooklyn accent and nothing else. Oh, and shrinking everyone down so her house could be turned into a race course, complete with working ski lift. Jam seems to have a crush on Wendy.
Brad Maltinie: A bad knockoff of both Axl Low and Terry Bogard, Brad replaces her sister Linda in Snowboard Kids DS. He only enters the tournament because he wants to fuck Nancy.
Koyuki Tanaka: A bad knockoff of every female character in Naruto. Like Brad, she only appears in the DS game, so her existence is pretty much ignored.
"Revival"[edit]
In 2005, six years after the release of the awesome Snowboard Kids 2 for Nintendo 64, Fatlus decided to resurrect Snowboard Kids from the grave by clapping their hands and singing a mystical chant. All the characters were drawn in a generic anime style to appease the fat, sweaty, neck-bearded weeaboos that make up 95% of Fatlus' fan base. In addition, all the characters are now teenagers (rendering the name "Snowboard Kids" completely fucking pointless), Tommy and Nancy turned into total assholes, and almost all the wacky elements from the old games (such as snowboarding in outer space or inside a house) were taken out. The end result is a half-assed failure that was sold as "SBK: Snowboard Kids". Rightfully, almost no one bought this piece of shit, and the Snowboard Kids series was left to die a merciful death.