Ladies, if one’s husband should be sent to the New World, the better to govern the unwashed and the uncultured, what may be done? One may, of course, remain in the comfort of London, shewing that the fair sex may manage estates as well as any man. I, on a single day of long renown while my husband yet governed Bombay, once used his positions to evict a thousand Irish peasants from their beastly hovels, while also ordering the naval bombardment of enemy shore batteries in the Bay of Biscay and sending the Highland Regiment to disperse trades unionists in the East End — to the great jollity of those men in skirts and to the equal dismay of any other so-dressed in the locality.
But, thou wilt miss thy husband in the months of his absence, no matter how energetic one’s footmen and how fetchingly they fill their stockings! Alas and alack, then there is nothing for it but to brave the mighty ocean and the terrors there within. And from thence to brave also the more frightful terror of American society!
But what to do when one arrives in the New World? Anyone with position equal to or greater than that of Dame might expect to rise naturally to the very top of what passes for society in the colonies. But gentlewomen of lesser rank may need to lower themselves to facilitate their own rise, and introduce themselves to the benighted peasantry in petticoats that pass for gentry on that distant shore. Take heart, fair ladies! Have one’s chambermaid hold one’s nose and commit to hosting a Boston Tea Party. (more...)
Online schooling is the act of destroying the entire education foundation in the span of a year so that your children don't get a cough, therefore saving you money by not having to purchase cold medicine. It became commonplace in March of 2020, shortly after some retard in Wuhan, China ordered soup but got a bad bat. Since then, schools have been spending millions of dollars trying to find ways to make the process as streamlined and efficient as possible. (more...)
Did you know...
- ... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (pictured)
- ... the sponge was the highest form of life in the early Cambrian period?
- ... that, now that I really think about it, I'm not sure what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is?
- ... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
- ... the world has nearly run out helium for airships and toy balloons?
- ... but dog farts will provide enough gas to last thousands of years?
- ... that you can't wear my sweatshirt? It's mine!
- ... the White House is really off-white?
On this day...
May 16: Independence Day (New South Wales)
- A long, long time ago - The tyrannic reign of intergalactic emperor Palpatine came to an end in a galaxy far, far away.
- 1204 - Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley".
- 1532 - Sir Elton John resigns as a Queen of England, takes new job as a Stately Homo.
- 1605 - Pope Paul V becomes President of the United States of Canada.
- 1770 - 14-year old Marie Antoinette marries 15-year old Mr. Potato-Head who later becomes king of Ireland. Two years later, the Potato Famine begins, as the new king refuses to allow people to grow and eat his cousins.
- 1866 - Monica Lewinski invents root beer.
- 1910 - The U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the next week.
- 2007 - President George W. Bush dies after choking on his mispronunciation of the word "nuclear".
- 2008 - The Queen of England is declared emo by James Madison in his new book, The Queen and I. Sales soar through the roof. Later that day, with a tear running down her face, the Queen runs a straightblade across her wrist, telling herself that "It's just a phase."
- 3004 - The government finally decides to assist Hurricane Katrina victims, despite the fact that the actual event occured a thousand years ago.
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