A Right Royal Christmas
The making of “A right Royal Christmas”[edit]
Following the death of the Princess of Wales in 1997, Queen Elizabeth’s counselors advised that the Royal Family must “get in touch” with the public once more, or risk a swell in republican sympathy. As such BBC Television was invited into Buckingham Palace to film a fly-on-the-wall series over the Christmas period of 2008.
The documentaries were never screened, and the following transcripts of internet re-broadcasts are thought to be all that has survived.
The arrival of Prince William[edit]
Prince William – Hello, Nan. Merry Christmas, Grampi.
ER – Hello, dear. Merry Christmas. Give one’s Granny and sovereign a kiss under the mistletoe.
Duke of Edinburgh – Cameltoe, mistletoe, I’ll give you a kiss wherever you like, Lizzy. Let’s ditch this loser and give the four-poster a workout.
ER – Now, then, Phillip. Calm. There’ll be plenty of opportunities for a happy time later.
(to Wills) - Ignore Grampi, dear. He’s Greek.
Wills – Yes, Gran. I bought some pig ears for the corgis to chew on. They weren’t easy to find in Afghanistan, I can tell you.
ER – Did you bag any ragheads for Granny and country while you were there, dear?
Prince William –It’s difficult to tell from the helicopter, Nan. But I did try.
ER – Good boy, the ammunition bills are killing me. Would it kill you to write? Or don’t you like the thought of licking the back of Granny’s head?
Duke of Edinburgh – I’ll lick you, dear, if you’ll lick me back. Hrrrr.
Prince William – Grampi, you’re embarrassing me.
ER – Yes, be quiet Phillip. Now, William. Have you seen the retard?
Prince William – Harry and I traveled down together. I think he’s still trying to pull Uncle Eddy off a footman.
Pre-Lunch small-talk[edit]
Present: Queen Elizabeth by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland; Duke of Edinburgh; Princess Royal; Princes William, Harry, Edward, and Charles.
ER – Is that Andrew’s sports car I can hear outside making that dreadful racket?
Prince William – I don’t think so, Nan. He’s looking at the horses.
Prince Charles – Camilla doesn’t have a sports car, Wills. You know that, man.
Duke of Edinburgh – Talking of which, where is ‘National Velvet’.
Prince Charles – Aw, Pops! What’s wrong with you, man. You’re always putting my woman down. I knew we should have stayed at Highgrove, then we could have had nut-roast for Christmas.
Prince Andrew – Hey, guys. I’m here, you can start the party. Haven't seen you in ages, Ted. Where’s your gorgeous, Sophie?
Prince Edward – She had an appointment to get a Brazilian.
Prince Andrew - I had a Brazilian once. And her sister. They were hot! So was their mother. I had her too!
Prince Edward - She's having some unwanted hair removed, imbecile!
Prince Andrew - You mean the ones on her chest, they must very nearly cover her balls by now.
ER - Stop squabbling, you two. Now then, Andrew, darling. Where are your two little ones?
Prince Andrew – Left them with the Ginge. They were cramping my style. Can’t pull young totty with nippers in the toe. Hey, here’s Shergar.
The Duchess of Cornwall enters
Prince Edward – Hey, Chas, Camilla doesn’t look well. Are you sure she’s okay?
Prince Charles – Not now, man. Dad's put me into a downer. Give her a bag of oats, she’ll be fine.
Prince Edward – If you say so. But you’ll have to do something about Harry. He’s pulling the wings off pigeons in the backyard.
At the dinner table[edit]
Prince William - That's a big turkey, Grampi.
Duke of Edinburgh - I like a bird with meaty thighs, Wills. Hurr, hrr.
ER - It's a shame Harry isn't here yet.
Prince Charles - Yes, he's very good at carving animals - even when they're still moving.
Prince Harry arrives, covered in blood.
Prince Harry - Hello, everyone. Heil Granny. I'm sorry I'm so late.
ER - Well, as long as you're here now we can start. Are you enjoying Afghanistan as much as Wills?
Prince Harry - Rather! The Colonel lets me shoot anything with a beard. Although he seemed a little miffed when I winged the Danish Naval attaché.
Prince Charles - Did you bring me anything back?
Prince Harry - There's a kilo of the finest poppy Helmand province can offer in my Bergen. So I don't think you'll be riding Desert Orchid for a while.
Camilla gives a dismaying Whinny
Prince Andrew - You know, if Al Qaeda sent a rocket through the window right now little Beatrice would be Queen.
Princess Royal - That's not fair! I want to be Queen, I've been waiting for ages.
Prince Charles - You and me both, man. But Granny didn't cark it until she was, like, a million and three. We could be waiting for the old girl to pop her clogs for another twenty years.
Princess Royal - I didn't mind so much when it was just you, but then it was Andrew, the flash bastard and then the ladyboy.
Prince Edward - I heard that!
Princess Royal - And then you started breeding with that ghastly Barbie doll, and Andrew married the ginger lard-arse and started filling the world with carroty whelps. It's not fair!
Prince Edward - Hey, Sophie and I have children too, you know.
ER - Yes, it's nice that they allow same sex couples to adopt now.
Duke of Edinburgh - My father had gay horses when I was a boy. The Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox church had them hanged at the Acropolis - and he was wearing a dress at the time, the hypocrite.
Princess Royal - You see! You see! Even the nancy-boy's adopted offspring is more important than me.
Prince Andrew - Oh, my God! She's frothing at the mouth. Call an ambulance.
ER - We can't do that, think of the papers. I have a straight jacket that your father and I like to use some times.
Duke of Edinburgh - Woof! Woof!
ER - We just need to sedate her somehow.
Prince Charles - Well, I have a needle, you know. For personal use.
Prince Harry - And I'll fetch the Afghan brown from my pack won't be a sec.
After lunch[edit]
Princes Charles, Edward, Andrew, and William are enjoying brandy with HRH the Duke of Edinburgh.
Queen Elizabeth is sipping a Bacardi Breezer and chatting to Camilla who is absently chewing a carrot.
Princess Anne dribbles insensibly on a sofa.
ER - Come on everyone, it's time to watch me on TV.
Prince Charles - Aw, man! Do we have to?
Prince Andrew - Yeah, there's a Baywatch re-run on E4. I want to see Pammy's tits in the surf.
Prince Edward - Actually, there's a very good documentary about Eisenstein on BBC2 that I'd like to see.
Prince William - Yeah, Nan. You always say the same thing anyway.
Duke of Edinburgh (as ER) - "My family and I wish you all joy this Christmas and health and happiness for the coming New Year". Well, I don't the filthy peasant scum can choke on their turkey for all I care, so long as they don't make me open another hospital or shake hands with their ghastly children.
Camilla snorts and stamps her foot.
Prince Charles - What's that, dear? I think she wants us to follow her.
Princes Philip, William, Edward, and Charles follow the Duchess of Cornwall out of the room. They find Prince Harry feeding on the corpse of a Guardsman. He has already ripped the body into several pieces.
Duke of Edinburgh - Good God, boy. Didn't you get enough lunch?
Prince William - It's always like this when he eats Brussels sprouts, they're the fruit of the Devil.
Prince Charles - Wills, vegetables are our friends, man.
Duke of Edinburgh - Sod the vegetables. What about the press?
Prince William - Don't worry, Grampi. The papers won't be interested. Look at the uniform, he's a Welsh Guard.
Duke of Edinburgh - Oh, thank God! But what will we do with the body?
Prince Edward - We can put him in the boot of my car. Well, some of him anyway. Maybe the bottom half, and the head.
At this point, the film ends mysteriously