Agile software development

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Agile Self Abuse.

“Remember: You can't spell fragile, without agile”

~ Robert Martin on Agile Software Development

“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly -- they’ll go through anything. For everything else, there's Agile”

~ "Brave New Agile Manifesto" by Marie Curie

Agile software development is often considered a software development process. Its rapidly increasing popularity has been facilitated by the developers behind the Agile Manifesto, who don't entirely understand why the dollar signs in PHP, JQuery and Redux haven't been appearing in their bank accounts as often as they'd have liked.

Another quietly held belief is that Agile development. Given those two words, deriving from the base class, astonished programmers reasoned that something must be getting in the way of the perfect software they explained to waiting staff they were certainly capable of creating. Quickly, since they were running out of money, they devised a plan that Marketing would buy into if it was syndicated by Dilbert.com. The process saves the developer several hours of effort. That small slice of time is exponentially expended at the end of the project where Testing and Marketing try to determine if they give a fuck.

Techniques[edit]

Agile software development encourages the use of several different techniques:

  • Test driven development - asserting that null equals null and eventually coming to understand the meaning of null on a much deeper level.
  • Behaviour driven development - training unicorns by feeding them dreams of becoming monkeys.
  • XP / Extreme programming - XP suggests 2.5 practices:
    • Arguement Exception Divide By Zero Range Error Invalid Parameter on Null Colon
    • User stories - basically, you're talking about yourself and giving a false name.
    • Beer-driven development - If you don't drink you haven't seen the code-base.
  • Scrum - A project management methodology taken from synchronized swimming. For people who either failed their 50 meters swimming badge in school, or who feel the 50 meters badge insulted their abilities as swimmers.
  • Certified ScrumMaster - An exam in exam taking for people persons.
  • ScrumMasterBater - Someone who fantasizes about leading an Agile project team.
  • Sprint - Imagine if marathon runners were dubbed layabouts because 400 meter runners get to the end of their race a lot faster and you'll get the general idea.
  • Sprint Review - a formal gathering of peers who detail their excuses why the sprint was too short, wherein the Senior Developers berate the Junior Developers for all errors while discussing the best error messages they created and why they were important to project progression.


There are many well-known case studies on the application of the above practices in the real world of software development [1], [2] and [3].

Origin[edit]

The idea for Agile software development was founded by the owners of 3M during their annual post-it party, after they stole it from a bunch of drunk guys they met in a bar. During the next weeks they created the Agile Manifesto, a book bound in human skin and written in blood. The book itself proclaims that all humans, especially users, are evil, and developers must sell their souls to large processes to avoid having to deal with humans. The most important points of the manifesto are below.