Bionic Woman
“To think I kissed her there--and there--and there!”
The Bionic Woman was created out of spare human, mostly female, body parts as a companion for Colonel Steve Austin, a former astronaut-become-lonely-cyborg, after she dove headfirst into a pasture from a height of 12,000 feet in an attempt to decorate a clover patch with her remains. Before her tragic accident, she had been a tennis player known for her wicked backhand. After her tragic accident, she was asked to join Spider-man and his Amazing Friends, but declined, saying she didn't want to hang around with a bunch of nerdy heroes who would do impossible things to save the world.
Bionic Powers[edit]
Rebuilt by Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein, Jaime Summers, aunt of Buffy Summers, had enhanced hearing, a strong right arm, and great legs. Her breasts, however, remained uncommonly small. Faster than a speeding bullet, she was able to leap tall buildings in a single--no, wait; that was Superman. The Bionic Woman could dazzle people, especially men, with her smile and was an expert flirt. She also looked good in a skirt.
She also had a special bionic sex mode that went at high speed with adjustable internal dimensions to suit organs of different sizes.
Repairs[edit]
During her first covert mission for Oscar Goodman, the mayor of Las Vegas, Nevada, Jaime suffered a blinding headache and the trauma of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Her body, it was found, was rejecting its hymen. Having been returned to the body shop for repairs, Jaime escaped, but Austin, who was also bionic, thanks to a penis implant he'd undergone to cure him of chronic impotence, caught up to her. She was put on ice (literally) and thawed a few weeks later, which, although it made her frigid, cured her. Unfortunately, she developed amnesia and could not remember that she and Austin were lovers.
Max[edit]
Jaime moved to Hawaii, where she took a job as a school teacher and married a female German shepherd named Max (short for "Maxine"). Taking a lead from the popular Superman soap opera comics, in which there are Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Krypto (a super dog), and a super horse, Jaime had Max's natural jaw and legs replaced with bionic counterparts to create the world's first bionic bitch.
Nemeses[edit]
Her most tenacious and flirtatious enemies were the Fembots, lesbian androids who, despite Jaime's heterosexuality, would not take "no" for an answer.
The Fembots were easily defeated, by playing any K. D. Lang CD or simply by introducing a cat into the room.
BSDM[edit]
About twice a month, Jaime had herself kidnapped so that she could have an excuse to use her bionic powers. Despite her frigidity, she found that she enjoyed the sadomasochistic bondage and discipline character of being bound and gagged.
Lesbian Leanings[edit]
She once went to a hair salon to have her hair styled and found herself in the clutches of a Fembot who was washing her hair with a shampoo impregnated with truth serum. The Fembot asked Jaime if she loved women, and Jaime answered, truthfully, that she did. Therefater, she was subjected to additional surgery which equipped her with a detachable phallus and her old enemies, the Fembots, became her newfound bosom buddies.
Marriage[edit]
Despite her lesbian leanings, Jaime "did the right thing" and married Austin. As a wedding present, Goodman presented Jaime with a vibrating bionic clitoris. She and Austin honeymooned at Area 51, a secret government base in Nevada.
Television Remake[edit]
On October 9, 2006, NBC Universal announced that it is remaking the popular series, with new producers and reportedly a radical reworking of the concept; this time instead of Max the bionic dog, Jamie will be accompanied by "Sniffy", the bionic skunk. The role of Jamie was put up for auction in order to fund actual bionics for the next actress, and 10-time Academy award-winner, Miss Whoopii Goldberg, won the part.