Bobbing for apples

An early version of bobbing for apples, known as "submersion for laughs", was popular among early 20th century interrogators.

Bobbing for apples is a popular pastime among liberals, particularly at Halloween parties. Formalized in 2001 by Al Gore after he lost the election and John Kerry, the game involves a barrel of water, some fresh apples and an extrajudicially-detained unlawful combatant strapped to board. Its history can be traced back to the middle ages.

History

The early Celts played a simplified version of the game, in which willing participants would dunk their heads into a large tank of water and try to remove a floating apple with their teeth. Christian immigrants to England modified the game slightly, in that the Celts were now required to remove the apple from the tank while a boot on their neck held them under. A shortage of Celts in medieval times led to their substitution with heretics, jews, catholics, effeminate men, and women with self confidence.

Early immigrants to the Americas brought the game over and adapted it to their situations. A popular variety among Massachusetts residents was "dunk the witch and eat an apple". However, a series of strong pro-witch laws enacted due after intense efforts by the witch lobby broke up the game by mandating a 15 minute waiting period after killing a witch before eating an apple.

The game appeared in many incarnations between then and present day, before a neoconservative team brought it back to rave reviews in 2001.

Rules

Dick Cheney selects apples for the 2005 Enrage The ACLU Halloween Extraviganza.

A large tank is filled with water and apples are added to the top. Children gather around, eagerly awaiting a chance to get an apple and wearing clothes that they don't mind getting wet. The detainee is then lowered, headfirst, into the tank until he thinks that he is going to drown. The children then hang from sensitive parts of the detainee's body in order to reach the apples. Spurs are encouraged. Afterwards, the detainee is brought up to the surface so that the children can throw their apples at his face. It is said that the first child to hit the detainee square in the balls will grow up to be a wildly successful right-wing talk radio host.