“I can't believe it's not butter!”
“You can't molest me! It's illegal.”
The Butterfly Is NOT a flying insect. At most one can say that the butterfly has evolved into a bug that has become very bad in falling-to-the-ground. Every time the creature seems to complete the very simple task of crashing to it's doom it simply fails at it by suddenly shooting towards a totally non-crash related direction. Considering this it can be concluded that the one thing that butterflies excel at is mutating into horrible freaks of nature. For instance camouflage. Whereas the sane family member, the moth, is known for it explicit skills in camouflage the butterfly, being flawed in all its ways, accomplishes the following no-no's regarding "survivability when being tasty bird snack":
- Look like a big (obviously fake) eye so every bird can see you
- Use bright blue colors to match the gray/brown tree bark
- Be as yellow as you can be against the sky/pavement
- Flap overly big orange wings in a mostly green flat environment
- Imitate the appearance of birds that are very tasty as well
Butterflies are normally small in stature, but particular species have been known to match the wingspan of a commercial passenger jet.
In addition to being tasty bird snacks, the butterfly is fit for human consumption. A colourful and delicious starter to any large meal, lightly-sautéed butterflies complement dry white wine perfectly. Celebrity chef and Holocaust denier Delia Smoth is well-known for her butterfly recipes such as Butterfly-in-the-hole and Butterfly Sausages. Bizarrely, butterflies are suitable for vegetarians due to a legal loophole from 1743 involving a serious misunderstanding about the nature of fruit.
Magical Butterflies are a horrible type of creature to look at, though they are considered a delicacy in some parts of the world. Because their DNA is too rigidly tied to the scripture from which they were summoned, the Magical Butterfly has not been able to adapt around the many predators that have found a taste for them, especially primates and primate relatives. Their population is very small and isolated to a handful of small islands where primates are not found in large numbers, most notably in Micronesia, Indonesia, and other pacific islands. Even though they are almost extinct, they have not been put on any environmental watch lists by any notable associations. Several petitions to protect the butterflies have been met with skepticism as far as their value to the ecosystem, given that their many kinds of feces include a flammable gel with an ignition temperature far below the average atmospheric temperature of the planet. Most experts agree that this normally would not be a problem, however, the fact that after igniting, the gel can reach temperatures in excess of 15000 degrees K. The resulting problem from this is that whenever the butterfly takes a shit, there is a 13% chance that it will light everything on fire within a 300 yard radius, often with that fire spreading out across acres worth of land and property. In fact, a recent brushfire in southern California which destroyed a record 58 homes was traced back to the importation of a Magical Butterfly to the region only a few days prior to the disaster.
The Monster Flap head Bug
As easy as it is to dismiss this monstrous failure of proper natural selection one must not underestimate the butterfly and discard it as a trivial entity. Where it's more stable cousin, the moth, only causes death by getting a skull tattoo and logging itself into some girls throat, the butterfly is capable and responsible for far more deaths and destruction. Leading scientists in a large array of fields have drawn the same conclusion that certain families of the butterfly Lepradopeterror are souly responsible for many world wide disasters and tragedies. The most famous being the Chinese butterfly who's main objective is to cause tornados in Kansas as often as possible. These creatures are expected to cause the end of humankind in the year 2020.
Butterflies are known to be famous amongst little seven year old girls- many of which having generic names, such as Jill, Cydney, and Nadia. Butterflies are also hated by people, but it is unlikely to hear someone say that they do not like butterflies. Except Kalea Garrett. Kalea Garrett HATES BUTTERFLIES. Butterflies are commonly known to be graceful, but in reality they are douchebags. Because, who would suspect something as pretty as the butterfly? Kalea Garrett would. Jill Amantea wouldn't. Shame, Shame, young Jill. The butterfly is most commonly know to KILL ALL.
Some people think that night butterflies (oftenly misconfused with moths) are a bad presage.
Butterfly are also known to cause the following :
- Tidal waves
- Levy breaches
- More war
- Asteroid impacts
- Alien abductions
- Polka music
- Line dancing
- Edmar Craze
- Butterflies are also the cause of global warming. They emit chemicals that are released into the atmosphere from their behinds. This is why these insects are very similar to cattle. They are related and have been differentiated through convergent evolution.
- Opening the bag is you don't watch Midnight Spank, G4's new late night lineup.
The most dangerous butterfly species are :
- the Lorquin's Admiral (responsible for Pearl Harbor and slave traders)
- the Scarce Swallowtail (cause of all hunger and poverty, as well for useless Swallow sketches and bird flu)
- Peacock Butterfly (The number one carrier of micro-dick sickness)
- Comma Butterfly ( 'the', "source", of bad ..punctuation,, ( as seen, in,! 'this' article )..,
- Monarch Butterfly (Bringer of all bad things possible except bad tyrannic monarchs ( hench the name ).
- Quantum Weather Butterfly (with Mandelbrotwings capable of causing massive tornado's anywhere in the world by merely flapping its wings)
- Mothra (responsible for the war of the butterflies many butterflies died after that was created)
The butterfly simply is an inferior life form because of the following reasons. Butterflies suck at:
- Ice hockey
- Political debate
- Oscar Wilde quotes
- Falling to the ground
- Not being eaten
- Looking nice up close
- Not causing global catastrophes
- Playing harp
- Being a lovable pet
- Colour coordination (read earlier section)
- Operating heavy machinery
Butterflies and natural disasters.
The scientific community has discovered a deadly phenomenon known as "The Butterfly Effect". Butterflies have the uncanny and terrifying ability to cause tornadoes half way around the world on impulse, simply by flapping their wings. It has been determined that the ice age, hurricane katrina, the dust bowl, and several other natural disasters were all caused by butterflies. In fact, 100% of butterfly-related disasters can be related directly to butterflies. Every spring we have more danger of falling victim to a full-on apocalypse due to butterflies.
The global awareness of the terror caused by the butterfly had been on the increase since the Elvis Glitter-suit disaster in Vegas (1976). The king,infected by the parasite butterfly species Blue Morpho, had uncontrollable urges to dress and eat just like a butterfly, a lifestyle that leads to the path of total destruction (and deaths on toilets).
To counter this global threat many nations started to introduce programs to kill off the evil butterfly. Alas to no avail. Recent counter measure attempts:
- China killing lots of butterflies (and in that high spirited process by accident killing tons of politically opposed innocent activists (and babies)) only to trigger a Tsunami and a Hugh hurricane season.
- USA Starting a global war on Iraqi butterfly terror , only to spark a new form of more wing-flapping Destruction.
- North Pole Lowering the average temperature so the wing flappers can't survive.
More Irritating Features of Butterflies
Some people have suggested that an amazing thing about the word "butterfly" is that if one rearranges the letters you could spell "Flutter-by" (or Flutter by). Since Fluttering by is precisely what a Butterfly does some people feel the need to proclaim this humorous or entertaining, Which, of course, it is NOT.
There Is absolutely nothing amusing nor funny about the fact that, by pure coincidence, the letters in one word can be rearranged to form another word that means roughly the same. It's a waste of precious resources and the use of such nonsense should be punishable by law. The silly person that thought up the butterfly thing simply had to much time on his hands. Some sad Joe even invented a word for these cases in which to sets of letters form different words that mean the same thing. This type is of course the ultimate slacker and he/she should have been shot. He called these idiotic words spoonerisms.
Butterflies have been known to creep into the stomachs of humans whilst they are on swings, in love, or are nervous. When a person is nervous, a butterfly creeps inside his tummy through his belly button. Then, the butterflies force the said person to puke. This irritating behavior led to th near extinction of butterflies in the 1500's, because the naturally skittish people of France got annoyed. Now, escargot is made from butterflies.
Contrary to popular belief butterflies are not morphed caterpillars. Rather the outcome of butterflies laying their egg in a caterpillar nest, and the baby butterfly sucking up the tasty liquid caterpillar and then emerging. Hence why it looks like the caterpillar simply morphed into the beautiful parasitic monster that it now is.
The creation of a butterfly is very simple. All it requires is a steady hand and a small piece of butter. Tilt your arm at a 360 degree angle, and throw the butter in a specific way and it will fly, hence a butterfly. The art of making butterflies is very complicated and should be left to Martians.