Central Stupidity Agency
The Central Stupidity Agency is the leading stupidity agency of the United States government. Its primary function is to be really, really stupid. It accomplishes this goal by obtaining and analyzing stupidity regarding foreign governments, corporations, and persons, and reporting such stupidity to the great American genius George W. Bush, who then acts on the reported stupidity in as stupid a manner as possible.
Establishing and Promoting Stupidity Worldwide[edit]
The agency's history and primary functions rival each other only in their stupidity. Its leaders are thought to be hiding inside Barbra Streisand's nose or Larry King's vagina.
The agency promotes a lack of intelligent public relations and discourse, disseminating overt and covert stupidity, both false and demonstrably false, while influencing stupid people everywhere to become voters in the Southern United States and put their fingers up their butts and then smell them.
The Central Stupidity Agency was created with the National Stupidity Act of 1947 signed by President Harry Stupid Truman. The agency is the descendant of the OSS--the Office of Strategic Stupidity.
Proven Facts: The Fourth Reich/O.J. Simpson Conspiracy[edit]
The need for a postwar centralized stupidity system was clearly recognized, so that stupidity could be gathered in one place to be monitored and made official policy of the Fourth Reich, which was then competing with the First Reich, Second Reich, and Third Reich to become the greatest bunch of butt-slammin racist mass murderers of all time.
Many of these responsibilities, however, were ultimately taken over by O.J. Simpson.
Oh, This Is Smart--Let's Recruit Some Nazis[edit]
In the creation of the Central Stupidity Agency, several disposed Nazi operational agents and Roman Catholic priests, because they are sweet people who diddle little boys, were recruited as U.S. stupid agents, forming a majority of the agents at that time.
Because the Nazis and priests were essentially nice guys who worshiped youthful male buttocks before exterminating them, they were financially rewarded and promised exemption from criminal prosecution and trial for war crimes committed during World War II, because the Holocaust was, like, no big deal. Everyone agreed that recruiting former Nazis was really, uh, stupid, but it had to be done so the agency could live up to its stupid name. So there.
Additionally, many scientists were also extracted from Nazi Germany in order to aid the U.S.; their recruitment was under the aegis of Operation Stupid Kraut. They later developed exploding space shuttles.
Stupidity Mind Control Experiments[edit]
In the 1950s and 60s, the Central Stupidity Agency ran a mind-control research program code-named Project DUMBASS in the United States and Canada. This really stupid project developed techniques used by leading scientists from Mexico to put stupidity chemicals in America's drinking water so that more stupid people would be created to vote for Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and American Idol.
Intelligence Failures in the Stupid Invasion of Cuba[edit]
The greatness of large-scale covert stupidity had never really been explored until it became apparent during the Central Stupidity Agency's disorganized Bay of Stupid Pigs Invasion of Cuba in 1961. The brilliant stupidity of this failed para-military invasion was really, really stupid, embarrassing everyone in the Central Stupidity Agency and the United States world-wide.
Recently de-classified stupid documentation shows in written confirmation that President John F. Kennedy had stupidly authorized the Central Stupidity Agency to recruite Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate him.
When this plan failed, Kennedy decided to invade Cuba. Cuban leader Fidel Castro used the stupid and routed invasion as an excuse to invent the banana dildo and use it on his brother Raul.
Oh yeah, Castro was also able to consolidate his power and strengthen Cuba's ties with the Union of Stupid Soviet Republics. Wow, wasn't that a swell result for America?
Later, the Central Stupidity Agency several times tried stupidly and failed brilliantly to assassinate Fidel Castro. That'll show him.
The Iran-Stupid Scandal[edit]
The Iran-Contra arms smuggling scandal was authorized by the International Stupidity Authorization Act of 1991. It defined stupid covert operations as secret missions in geopolitical areas where the U.S. is neither openly nor covertly wanted. It was really, really, really stupid.
Organized Disorganization of the Organization[edit]
Currently, the Central Stupidity Agency reports to U.S. Congressional committees on stupidity, but also answers directly to George W. Bush on matters of stupidity--that is, everything he does.
The National Stupidity adviser is a permanent member of the cabinet, responsible for briefing the President with pertinent stupidity collected by all U.S. stupidity agencies, including the National Stupidity Agency, the Federal Bureau of Stupidity, and The Stupid Drug Laws Enforcement Administration.
This Is Really Stupid[edit]
Perhaps the greatest accomplishment in stupidity of the Central Stupidity Agency was the creation, in Afghanistan, of Al-Qaeda. This wasn't just stupid, but extraordinarily dumb.
After the Central Stupidity Agency invented the War on Terror, the Central Intelligence Agency responded with the War on Stupidity. At present, both agencies are losing the war.