Conio.h
Conio.h (sometimes called CONIO.H) is an include file found in C programming environments on MS-DOS and Windows systems. By way of Extremely Clever Preprocessor Voodoo (ECPV), it converts any Microsoft C compiler into a QBASIC compiler:
Without CONIO.H, you only have the incredibly difficult-to-use C programming language:
#include <stdio.h> #include <stdlib.h> #include <conio.h> #define MICROSOFT exit #define pie (1-1) #define a #define cherry #define on #define PATRONUM )() = { printf } #define please EOF #define pretty ( #define top == #define EXPECTO int(*writeSomethingToScreen[ ] #define with int main(int argc, char **argvvv[]) { /* Say the magic words */ EXPECTO PATRONUM; while (please) { /* Other magic words are nice too. */ MICROSOFT pretty please with a cherry on top (****************writeSomethingToScreen)("%s\n", &pie["Hello, World!"])); } }
Output:
Hello World
With it, Microsoft's advanced QBASIC language instantly becomes available!
#include <conio.h> 10 PRINT "Hello, World!" GOTO 10 IF CANTFIND(10) THEN GET DIRECTIONSTO(10) END IF IF STILLCANTFIND(10) THEN DEF SEG = 0 DEFJAM = SUP POKE PEPE, PEEK(PANTIES) END IF MIKEE = HANDSOME
Output:
Hello, Philippines!
...and about a pint of semen.
Name[edit]
Conio.h is believed to be a corruption of the Spanish word coño, which means cunt. Conio is pronounced exactly the same way as coño: Cone-yo. Microsoft claims that those who use CONIO.H find it easier to get a piece of coño. In 2007, information leaked from a Microsoft employee who apparently was a part of the original team of people that created conio.h, who stated that Conio.h actually comes from the Bulgarian word Коньо (again, pronounced Cone-yo) which is how horses are addressed in that language, since it most accurately represents the types of women the team of developers were dating at the time.
Portability[edit]
Many attempts have been made to port conio.h to operating systems other than MS-UNO. There is a somewhat-working version for MS-DOS, and an inbred, mutant version for Windows.
Several attempts have been made to port conio.h to Linux, but since conio.h is actually an MS-DOS executable, this has proven quite difficult. The lack of conio on Linux has caused programmers on that platform to shout ncurses at Microsoft.
Programs That Use Conio.H[edit]
The popular video game BSOD was written entirely in conio.h-enabled QBASIC.