Dino Crisis
Dino Crisis is a series of games created by the almost American but in fact Kiwi company called 'Slapcom'. The games were intended to be a followup to the 'Resident Weevil' series but instead became some sort of dinosaur-based (Why dinosaur? Great god, the games' title is DINO Crisis not DINOSAUR Crisis...) horror shoot 'em up where you run around shooting dinosaurs in small tight corridors with little lighting and see how many 'You have died - Continue?' screens you can use up in the space of one hour. The game was panned by the critics for featuring too many dinosaurs and so further sequels were produced, as well as a spin off series that lasted for an entire game that could be completed in almost seven hours on hard difficulty.
Overview[edit]
The game featured four main characters: Regina (the sexy, red haired and bitchy one that appeared in the second game as well), Gail (the chav who just wouldn't die), Rick, (the IT nerd from the basement in Renolm Industries), and Cooper (the weak one that starts the game by being eaten by a Tyrannosaurus). The player plays as Regina (the sexy, red-haired and bitchy one that appears in the second game as well) throughout the entire game.
There were many enemies featured in the game. These were:
- Tyrannosaurs
- Velociraptor
- More Velociraptors
- &%!£ loads of Velociraptors
- Pteranodon
- Compsognathus (Or as it's commonly called, the 'Comfy')
- Guess what? Even more &*$%ing Velociraptors
And, of course, the puzzles. These took a short time to complete on hard difficulty causing players to rebel against its systems and do something that led on to something else.
Plot[edit]
The plot is short and useless, but has managed to continue into three more games. Basically, the game starts with Cooper (the weak one that starts the game by being eaten by a Tyrannosaurus) getting eaten by a Tyrannosaurus. Then Regina, Rick and Gail land on the Third Energy island and decide to split up. Rick goes off to work on the facility's easy to work systems that involve him pressing the same keys over and over again in a bid to prove to you that he's not high. Gail makes you, the player, Regina, go and get him a key so that he can open a gate and go turn on a generator so that you can all go search for the rebel scientist named Dr. Kirk.
The game has three endings.
Either Gail dies AND the Tyrannosaurus dies
Or Gail lives and the Tyrannosaurus dies / gets sucked into the time rip.
What relevance does this have to Hitler?[edit]
Hitler was an anti-anti-antichrist.
Dino Crisis 2 (2000)[edit]
In Dino Crisis 2, it appears that Gail died so he got replaced with this dude called Dylan who was a TWAT (Tactical Waste And Torture) member. By the end of the game, Regina had fallen in love with Dylan and had to leave him behind at the time gate when his sexy daughter with a speaking problem due to cryogenics or whatever named Paula got trapped under a falling cabinet. The game was, once more, panned by critics so a third Dino Crisis was made.
There were a number of new enemies in the second Dino Crisis game. These were:
- Allosaurus
- Another Tyrannosaurus, this time with one of his eyes blown out (This had been done by some dude in a cowboy hat who got eaten by an Allosaurus while trying to protect Dylan, who he was in love with)
- Oviraptor
- Velociraptors
- Plesiosaurus
- More Velociraptors
- Mosasaurus
- Even More Velociraptors
- Triceratops
- Shitloads of Velociraptors
- FUCKING ENDLESS CLUSTERFUCKS OF VELOCIRAPTORS
- Gigantosaurus (Fuck he's big! Have you played the game yet? My advice, yeah? Don't, and when you come to the Gigantosaurus level, just watch the movie bits because they are AMAZING! Oh, and he kills a T-Rex.)
And some big toothy thing that featured in the TV show Primeval.
Plot[edit]
I can't be stuffed to cover the plot because it's too long, but the main point is that some place called Edward City disappeared during a time incident when someone continued research on Third Energy or whatever, and these biker dudes who were in fact children trained to protect the dinosaurs who were also trying to kill Dylan were a part of it.
What relevance does this have to Hitler?[edit]
In both the first and second Dino Crisis games, nobody's mouth moved. And Paula looked sexier in Dino Stalker.
Dino Stalker (2002)[edit]
Dino Stalker was a spin off series which was only made for the PS2. Dylan and Paula were in it and some WW2 dude who had to defeat this thing called the Mother Computer.
Plot[edit]
You have to shoot dinosaurs while the game shouts 'RELOAD!' at you. You also have to protect Paula and defeat the Mother Computer and some dinosaur called Trinity.
The game featured a few new enemies, including:
- Trinity, which was some Troodon with horns that controlled the Velociraptors
- A BLACK T-rex (This made a change from the usual brown ones)
- And the Carnotaurus, one of which got eaten by a T-Rex.
What relevance does this have to Hitler?[edit]
You play as Hitler in the spinoff game from Dino Stalker named 'Hitler kills Dinosaurs!'
Dino Crisis 3 (2003)[edit]
In Dino Crisis 3, you fight mutant dinosaurs which are a ripoff of the Alien films while exploring the Starship Enterprise after your TARDIS gets blown up.
Plot[edit]
You are some dude with a jetpack and you fly around the Starship Enterprise with your companion Sonya and try to find this sexy girl who looks like Regina but is in fact a half-human half-dinosaur hybrid. She also has several clones, but don't be fooled, they are all equally as sexy.
There were loads of new dinosaur hybrid things in the game and I've forgotten the names of all of them except for:
The Rigel - which are these worm thingies that eat a T-rex at the beginning of the game.
There is also a T-rex thing, some sort of Ankylosaurus, a raptor that shoots electricity, a gorilla that looks like a dinosaur, an Ankylosaurus and some two (and later three) headed Gigantosaurus thingy which shoots electricity from its mouths. It causes the sexy girl's death when it falls through a floor.
What relevance does this have to Hitler?[edit]
The Gigantosaurus thingy is in fact Hitler in a later reincarnation.