Dragon Age (cult)
"Dragon Age IS the religion of peace you RACIST!" ~ A brainwashed sympathizer
Dragon Age developed by Bioware in 2008, is a Canadian/American/Lizard-Person religion that has gained worldwide attention with its first self-released hit in the seventies. Despite it's appeal there is widespread criticism of the religion by critics, deeming it nothing more than a "cult" or a fly-by-night pyramid scheme. The religion has prominence in mostly Liberal parts of the country, and is reported to have as many as thirty-thousand members.
Origins[edit]
The founding of the cult dates back to early B.C., in Atlantis where famed philosophers Playdoh and Erronious discovered that they could make lots of money by preying off of stupid people's emotions.
Around the time of the Civil War, many Confederates were disappointed with the lack of diversity within their ranks and decided to develop a program that would attract slaves persons of color into their ranks. Taking many pages from the ancient Atlantean movement, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson took the first steps towards bringing the Dragon Age religion into (then) modern America.
By the roaring twenties Dragon Age was considered a religion of enlightenment and a status symbol of the elite. The movement's widespread popularity is what caused L. Ron Hubbard to form the church of Scientology out of jealousy.
In 1975 the first Dragon Age game was released to the public on various Atari and mobile devices. Years later the sequel was released as a follow-up to the cult's ever-changing doctrines and mantra for life. Little more than a century later, a second sequel was unveiled that documented more dogma and factual prayer-based truth from the religion.
Today many of the cult's fanatical followers are eagerly awaiting a fourth release so that they can achieve spiritual and sadomasochistic enlightenment, though former archdiocese Mike Laidlaw declared that it would be many suns and moons before the fourth holy text would be unveiled to the public.
Religious Beliefs[edit]
A typical follower of Dragon Age genuinely believes two things; 1) that their opinion is the only opinion in existence and that it is backed up by divine fact and 2) that everyone else is wrong. These beliefs are often followed up with a group orgy of loud obnoxious whale sounds and and/or emitting toxic fumes from its body that can be best described as hot garbage having non-consensual sex with an avalanche made of dog shit. When embarrassed or proven wrong, a member of the religion may begin to point and REEEEEEEEE at the top of its lungs or form large interlocking circles with fellow members known as safe spaces.
The Dragon Age faith believes that the only way to salvation in the next life, is to annoy the shit out of everyone in this life. The cult put this saying to practice when in the early 1500's they amassed an armada of over ten-thousand troops and waged a campaign of "political correctness" and "being offended" all across Europe. It is a widely known fact that Vlad the Impaler was in fact raided, and lynched by an army of crazed Dragon Age devotees.
One of the most highly regarded beliefs of the Dragon Age cult is the act of cry-bullying in order to see that their demands are met satisfactorily. These methods and techniques were developed in the early A.D. in Egypt, by nomadic Elves in exchange for water.
Dogma[edit]
Along with their everyday religious beliefs, there has been a longstanding apocrypha that in the end time there will appear four revelations that will be unveiled at PAX East, every few centuries at an uncertain time. So far three revelations have been unveiled to the public, and its believed that when the forth is unveiled that Ray Muzyka will rise from the dead, rejoin Bioware as its CEO & Savior and save it from EA.It is well-known that their 'mecca' is located in Edmonton, Canada.
Sacred Texts[edit]
The very first in a long series of religious texts was created in the early 1800s, and was mass-produced for missionaries to be able to convert stupid people with and to be used as a coaster.
It is known that LDS leader Brigham Young was a devout follower of Dragon Age in his youth and in fact had donated 20,000 squib or "30,000,000 rupees" to the Dragon Age campaign. By the 1980's almost everyone in upper class America & Canada owned a copy of 'Dragon Age', and read it nightly. According to Dragon Age apocrypha, three texts have been released to the public so far in accordance with the three revelations, they are:
- Dragon Age: Origins - The righteous first text
- Dragon Age II - The holy second text
- Dragon Age: Inquisition - The divine third text
So far there are no clues as to when the holy fourth text will be unveiled, however it is believed that it will be revealed sometime in the year 3300, after the cyber gods have scorched the earth and the Madden Curse has been lifted.
Saints & Religious Figures[edit]
The church of Dragon Age has many important religious figures in both modern and historic times. The most notable being Ray Muzyka, a prophetic holy man from China who died for our sins and was prophesied to return one day and lead the religion to greatness.
- Urthemiel - The Divine Father/God
- Ray Muzyka - The Holy Son
- Jennifer Hale/Mark Meer - Voice(s) of God
- Greg Zeschuk - The Prophet
- Brent/Trent Oster (Same person) - Apostle(s)
- Mary Kirby - The Divine Mother
- Aaryn Flynn - Monseigneur
- Casey Hudson - The Consecrator
- Mike Laidlaw - Provost
- Patrick Weekes - Archdeacon
- David Gaiter - Canonarch
- Drew Karpyshyn - Liturgical Reader
- Augustine Yip - Fake Chinese Man
Religious Compound[edit]
The Dragon Age Cult Headquarters is located in Edmonton Canada, which acts its base of operations as well as its mecca and primary meeting place for sacraments, baptisms, funerals, bukkakes, and mass.
Many parishioners of the Dragon Age faith make monthly (or sometimes daily if they can afford it) pilgrimages to their grand cathedral in Edmonton, inside prayer services are offered in the forms of Playstation 3 and Xbox 360, as well as affirmation services in the form of Tali Sweat discussions and Mabari dog plushies.
Holidays[edit]
The most famously celebrated Dragon Age holiday in all of existence is perhaps the Black Friday, where thousands of parishioners gather at their mecca in the small hours of the morning in hopes of seeing one of the living saints, or the resurrected Ray Muzyka or the unveiling of the sacred fourth text.
The "art" of cosplaying, yiff and cross-dressing are popular pastimes on the Black Friday holiday, as well as the tradition of sending threatening emails to the developers and posting poorly punctuated text pyramids explaining why certain characters and games suck and why their fans are gay.
Preordering is a sacred tradition of the cult and its members take the vows of preordering very seriously, with transgressions often resulting in extreme punishments. Often when members of the religion are dissatisfied with life or are angry they will often cry out "I'm cancelling my pre-order!", which in the Dragon Age faith is akin to saying "God damn it!"
Sexuality[edit]
It is commonly known that Dragon Age is a sexually aware religion, allowing thousands of people to "come together" in a variety of ways. Polygamy is not only allowed, but encouraged as well as bestiality, necrophilia, dendrophilia, and BDSM. Aside from the already named popular sexualities, there are multiple genders and roles available to the average Dragon Age parishioner.
- Solasmancy
- Dogmancing
- Morrimancy
- Alistairmancy
- Lesbianamancy
- Shalemancy
- Darkspawmancy
- Transgender
- Clownmancy
Controversy[edit]
Like many mainstream religions, the Dragon Age cult has attracted its fair share of controversy. Many sources have claimed that 'Bioware' is actually a cult recruitment company, that after indoctrinating its victims, brainwashes them into making millions of copies of Dragon Age II and DLC ideas in order to keep the long dead corpse of the company as fresh as possible.
Decline[edit]
Despite having a strong foundation and an adamant following for nearly 6 centuries, the Dragon Age religion has suffered much in the way of entertainment decay largely in part due to casual gamers, but also because of political correctness, Furry tolerance, Fat acceptance, and the Mandela Effect.
Most people agree that while extremely addictive, Dragon Age products after 2010 are no longer a source of enlightenment and inner-peace, costing the cult thousands in net worth.