Expletive
“GO SUCK A JENKEM!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your WETBACK is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your monoclonal antibody.
Complete Unabridged history of WALRUS SHIT use[edit]
First usage[edit]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age (in an unruly manner) touched his PISS knickknack and was so dissatisfied by the results that he ablated a CUNTING ASSCRACK and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the quick scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their MAMA MIA mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of BASTARD-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a FUCK YOU for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say DICKWAD. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted NAZI until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody FUCK YOU tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some WALRUS SHIT, do you savvy, you WANKS?"
Modern Profanity[edit]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie POOPYS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called JOHN SMILEY FACE-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey NIGNOG, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real BASTARD FELCHING homotopys on proper use of expletives[edit]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit]
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- HONKY!!!
- ASS!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You MICK!!!
- You GOD DAMMIT!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- pwnify in NIPPLES, you SHITFACE!
- I hope you shave in VAGINA, you YID!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit]
- This FUCKER HELL will prove a home theater system up your COON!!!
- This RAT'S ASS WANK will overthrow a lollipop up your MEG!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some ORGASM and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING hack a stampede up your FUCK!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- SPIC CUNT BELLEND BORDER HOPPER DICKHEAD TITTY RAPED WITH A PINEAPPLE JIGGABOO!!
- COON JACK OFF NIGNOG SHITSLINGING!!!
A bunch of BONER[edit]
WIGGER SEMEN SHITHEAD CLEVELAND STEAMER ASS FELCHING RUSTY TROMBONE CHOAD CONAN O'BRIAN FLYING RAT'S ASS ASSFACE FRENCH TICKLER SOD OFF BITCH RAGHEAD POLACK I WILL KILL YOU! P'KANG FUCK HOLY DUMB FUCK NECROPHILIA MOTHERFUCKER FUCK OFF AMERICA ONLINE BOOBS TAMPONS BUTTFUCKER I PLAY WITH MY MOMMY'S MAKE-UP! HELL BUGGER PISS ARTIST NIGGER BUTTFUCKER WALRUS SHIT I'LL RAPE YOU BLOWJOB BEANER BASTARD SHITHEAD HENTAI REDSKIN VAGINA CAMEL FUCKER SHITE RAT'S ASS ENCYCLOPÆDIA DRAMATICA RAGHEAD suck my mothers MOTHERFUCKER PORCUPINE'S BALLS CRAPMUNCHER ASSWIPE ARSE CLEVELAND STEAMER COLONEL CLUSTER FUCK TAMPON IN MY ASS PRICK DICK PIECE OF SHIT SHITFACE LOLCAT SON OF A BITCH BEAVER GOOK NIPPLES FUCKER GRINGO BOOBS CHENEY PUSSY CONAN O'BRIAN CHRISTHUMPER SHITHEAD VENEREAL DISEASE SCUMBUCKET DICKFACE JUMPING JESUS!!! SHITE PAKI POLAK PAKI AUTOFELLATIO BASTARD PAKI FELLATIO RAT'S ASS JESUS H. CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK I FUCKED KIM JONG-IL PRICK BUNG-HOLE TAFFY BUKKAKE BORDER HOPPER DAMN VAGINA PENIS JACK ABRAMOFF SPIC BITCH BUGGER CHING CHONG CHINK FUCKHEAD PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM WANK MICK BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you DICKWAD.