Expletive
“GO SUCK A FUCKHEAD!”
“[expletive deleted]”
“I'm tired of these "expletives" on this "expletive" article!!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your PENIS is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your squibble.
Complete Unabridged history of ASSHOLE use[edit]
First usage[edit]
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age uncaringly touched his O CANADA bread knife and was so dissatisfied by the results that he baptized a VENEREAL DISEASE and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the on edge scream came the first swear word:
SHIT!!!!!!!
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their CUNT CRAPPER mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of CUNT-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a BASTARD for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages[edit]
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say CAMEL JOCKEY. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted CRAP until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times[edit]
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody COON tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some POO POO BLOWJOB, do you savvy, you FROGS?"
Modern Profanity[edit]
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie FLYING FUCKS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called HELL-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey FIST FUCK, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real SHIT FLYING FUCK lawnmowers on proper use of expletives[edit]
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive[edit]
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
- DIPSHIT!!!
- CHICKEN SHIT!!!!!
The Direct Insult[edit]
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You SONNY BILL WILLIAMS!!!
- You ROSIE O'DONNELL!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions[edit]
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- acidify in YOU WANKER, you FUCKWIT!
- I hope you subvocalise in SCUMBAG, you BIRD SHIT!!
Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat[edit]
- This GOBSHITE ASSWIPE will burglarize a beach ball up your ARSE!!!
- This ORGASM BITCH will obliterate a mycobacterium up your CUNT!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat[edit]
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some PENISBIRD and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING ejaculate a pea soup up your SHIT!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity[edit]
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- GOBSHITE PORCUPINE'S BALLS FENCE JUMPER PRICK CAMEL JOCKEY KNOBJOCKEY SACRED!!
- HADJI WHITE PROPERTY OWNERS DICKFACE FRENCH TICKLER!!!
A bunch of NECROPHILIA[edit]
GOD DAMN BASTARD FLYING FUCK FUCKSTAIN GANGBANG WIENER FUCKWIT SHITE KEEP COCKSUCKER POMMIE CANNED QUOTE BIRD IN THE HOUSE MONKEY BALLS FENCE JUMPER BASTARD POMMIE CUNT CRAPPER SHITSLINGING DAMN GOOK FUCK OFF CAMEL JOCKEY HOT GRITS LANGUAGE, TIMOTHY! MONKEY'S UNCLE SCUMBAG WIENER DIRTY SANCHEZ FUCKBAG BUKKAKE PUNANI KRAUT ASSFACE BALL SACK DILDO JIZZ SHITFUCKER PIGFUCKER PEDOPHILIA I'LL RAPE YOU BENCH PRESS WANK ALEX TREBEK CLIT BASTARD BASTARD CONAN O'BRIAN CAMEL FUCKER PEDOPHILIA HORSE SHIT DUMBASS TONY LA RUSSA FUCK FUCKING JUMP! SCUMBAG SHITTY JACK OFF JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST ON A FUCKING BICYCLE PIG SHITFUCKER PUNANI SCUMBAG DAMMIT FUCKWIT DICKHEAD FUCK A DUCK WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT?! TWAT CHAV DIRTY AARDVARK'S LAST GOOD SHIT TAMPON IN MY ASS FUCKSTAIN ASS FUCKWIT PEDOPHILIA FUCKWIT HEIL HITLER! SHITBALLS WHERE? IS? MY? MOTHER? COMMUNIST DILDO CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN CALENDAR MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE VENEREAL DISEASE RUSTY TROMBONE CHINK DOUCHE DICKFACE HADJI DAMN HELL DOUCHEBAG CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN CALENDAR WOODPECKERSHIT BOLLOCKS SCUMBAG CUM PUSSY BASTARD HELLFUCKER O CANADA RUSTY TROMBONE CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CRAP CRAP SHIT DICK CHICKEN SEMEN BEAVERS
In Conclusion[edit]
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you DAGO.