Gerry Ryan
Gerry "Geronimo" Ryan (harvested June 4, 1958 - achieving iconic status April 30, 2010) was a World and European champion drooler and veteran Irish radio presenter, for RTÉ's crisis-hit car crash radio station for middle-aged prepubscents, RTÉ 2fm. He was rightly blamed for creating Ryan Tubridy "the Optrex Kid"
Gerry nearly caught up to Larry Gogan in age terms, through his habit of growing three years older per annum. Alas, he did not quite get there. His body was found alone in a Dublin manger on 30 April 2010, with all attempts by paramedics and passers-by to locate and reattach his soul ultimately proving unsuccessful. Ireland came to a standstill - cars crashed, planes fell from the sky, emergency rooms filled with panic-stricken geriatrics, many dishes went unwashed and many husbands went unfed, some even starving to death. Flags flew at half mast for the rest of the year, RTÉ 2fm became even more crisis-hit and Ireland, making ground in emerging from an economic recession, slumped right back into a pile of boggy mud again.
Career[edit]
During his time in the RTÉ canteen Gerry stumbled across some nude photographs of upper management in RTÉ. With these he was able to secure himself a broadcasting job on the radio, having been told that if he hadn't left of his own accord he would have been fired anyway because of the enormous number of burgers that were disappearing in mysterious circumstances during his shifts. It was estimated that he weighed 85 stone before he left the food department for RTÉ Radio.
Gerry briefly left RTÉ to start an underpants technician apprenticeship one summer. He quickly returned however, after being laid off due to excessive sniffing of jocks and strolled back into RTÉ Radio.
Gerry is symbolic of everything disgusting in Irish society: he really is a disgusting classless tramp that at best should be on a minimum wage, and then only based on performance. Gerry is quite unique in that he also represents everything joyful about Irish society: he really is a marvellous chap altogether. His nasty side can be highlighted by his claim to have killed a lamb for food by crushing its skull with a rock after experiencing a mild hunger pang. His good side can be highlighted by how he later retracted this claim(he could also retract briefly his multiple chins and would do so often as a party trick), upon learning cruelty to animals was wrong and could negatively affect listenership.
Experiencing mild hunger was the defining moment in Gerrys adult life.
Gerry once wrote a 'buke' where he described how he had a vasectomy that went septic. The 'buke' was called 'Will the real Gerry Ryan please stand up'.
Ryan had a brief second revenue stream from Tara Mines, where it was discovered that recordings of his voice, played at moderate volume, had the useful characteristic of shattering rock."The ore rocks just gave up the ghost after listening to only 3 minutes of him repeatedly mispronouncing Chablis as Chablay" said Paddy Lundquist the mine manager. Health and safety considerations for miners trapped within earshot brought the programme to an early stop.
After his coke induced expiration, Gerry left behind 2 birds, a couple of sprogs, declining TAM ratings and massive cocaine debts. Since his death his now non performing drug dealers have been taken into NAMA. It has been said that Gerry epitomised the worst excessess of the Celtic tiger, but he has more accurately been described as epitomising an overweight pregnant and bloated Celtic elephant. His former wife, Botox Ryan, liked a bit of smack too, allegedly.
In December 2010 the Dublin Coroner recorded the cause of Gerrys death as 'misadventure' attributing Gerrys death to Cocaine. This was a of course a complete fiction designed to spare Gerrys family embarassement. The truth was that he was found dead, doubled over, with a broken spine and asphyxiated from having his head too far up his own arse. The drug story was just a ruse to give him street cred.
Radio[edit]
Incredibly, until recently, Gerry was heard daily on sinking ship car crash radio RTÉ 2fm rabbiting on and on and on and on and on and on...
He once shot himself in the leg so he could have the bullet surgically removed live on air. He was heard claiming afterwards that he had felt fed up and couldn't be arsed doing that day's show, resorting to desperate measures to have a three-hour nap instead.
Gerrys Radio career highlight was a daily opiate binge where he snorted his way through his beloved 'Ryan Line'.
Drooling[edit]
Gerry's favourite pastime on air is to slobber and drool over food and coffee. On one episode of his abysmal 3 hour radio show which aired on 9th November 2004 he spent 2 hours and 52 minutes gorging himself on rashers and black forest gateaux before eventually throwing up over himself. During this time not one word was spoken by him and the listenership was treated to sounds of Ryan stuffing his face. It is estimated that his listenership was at an all time high during this episode with literally tens of listeners tuning in out of curiosity only to switch off again almost immediately in disgust. Many rang Joe Duffy to voice their anger.Bulimia would later become his major legacy to Irish Culture.
Gerry's drooling has also had positive results for his career. He has won the World Drooling Championships on one occasion (1998) and the European Drooling Championships on two occasions (1997, 2003). His 1997 success at world level led to several international sponsorship deals which significantly boosted the Ryan coffers. His time with both Burger King and Pepsi was shortlived: they dropped him after two months as the budget for drool clean-up teams had nearly bankrupted them.
Gerry constantly battled bulimia during his adult life and always won.
Television[edit]
Gerry, a self-confessed cream-cake expert, has also made some TV shows, many of which have been dismissed as "tripe", "codswallop" and "utter shit". Gerry presented Operation Transformation, where people not quite as obese as Gerry lost weight to prolong their life. In the face of such efforts at weight loss - Gerry continued to eat like a human sloth, and successfully transformed himself into a corpse.
His TV shows worth mentioning are listed here.
These are:
Style[edit]
Larger than life, Rotund, Robust - Obese, nay a Beast. It is hard to put style and Jabba in the same sentence.
But for the sake of appearances we've made the following up. While not gorging on air Gerry displays a substantial amount of very incisive ignorance and low wit, preferring to talk extensively about women's problems and sex issues after he has a quick flick through the morning's papers. When 10 o'clock rolls round he has a quick look to see if his Nob is working before setting it loose on the Nation in a blaze of glory after the news. Fiona Lunatic, an old straw-haired mannequin bought by Gerry one Sunday from Dunnes, pops in occasionally and then chaos really does ensue like never before.
At one point Gerry had an obsession with jars of liver (even bringing one onto The Podge and Rodge Show in case of emergency), though in recent times it has been reported that he has been cured of this ailment. It has been suggested in some tabloid newspapers that Gerry ingested oestrogen supplements prior to a sex change operation, and that his wildly erratic eating habits were used to pile on weight in an attempt to deflect attention from the breasts he was developing. It remains unclear whether Ryan has proceeded with the sex change and if he is either now just a fat bloke, or in fact an ugly fat bird.
Ryan Putsch[edit]
Origins[edit]
After watching a TV programme on how Adolf Hitler atempted to overthrow the German government in the 1920s, Gerry staged a successful Putsch in November 2008 in the RTÉ's Montrose studios. Using his stomach to absorb any opponents, he overthrew Irish President Pat Kenny and stole his prestigious chat show away from him. Kenny later forged a successful career as an android on a popular American science fiction series.
Wartime[edit]
Gerry used his newfound power to declare an immediate civil war "between the people who listen to my radio show, and the ones who prefer Ryan Tubridy". And so began the battle between the Gerryatrics and the Tubridythumpers, with the latter side greatly outnumbering the former. It became known as The Seven Minute War, and was notable for the demise of fourteen Gerry Ryan loyalists who were slaughtered by the Ryan Tubridy Resistance Corps. Tubridy soon became the Master of the Airwaves. He vowed never to pay attention to Gerry Ryan's criticism, and promised he would "play Eminem's earlier stuff over and over until it starts to actually sound OK". Ireland was declared a no-go zone by the United Nations ten days later.
Injury[edit]
Unfortunately the strain of the uprising took its toll on Gerry and he was rushed to Loughlinstown Hospital for the Befuddled, having suffered four heart attacks and two strokes in the space of eleven seconds. Despite receiving no treatment because the nurses and doctors were on strike until Setanta Sports was piped into their lunch room, Gerry made a suitable recovery a while later. However, the left side of his face drooped even further towards his waist and now has to be carried separately in a little plastic handbag, which Gerry calls his "baggy".
Resolution[edit]
In an act of reconciliation suggested by Sinn Fein and Dick van Dyke, Gerry Ryan and Ryan Tubridy agreed to merge together into one single organism, as of 1 January, 2009. This act was intended to bring an end to the simmering resentment that is rife among Irish people at having to put up with not one but two crap morning shows on RTÉ radio. The process will be supervised by ten of Ireland's top doctors (all of whom are Pakistani), and will involve Gerry devouring Tubridy whole, similar to a snake eating a gazelle. Then the merger will be complete, and all will be well.
However, there is a considerable chance that they may not survive the process. On the downside though, they might.
They both did. Oh well.
Private life[edit]
Personality[edit]
What? Paranoid, pompous, concieted .. coked.
Close friends have observed some recent changes in Gerrys demeanour, but cant quite put their finger on it.
LARPing[edit]
It is widely known that Gerry partakes in LARPing every second weekend in the Barna Woods in County Galway, where he is recognisable by his elaborate ball gowns and enormous inflatable sausage strapped to his face, answering only to the name Melanie Griffith.
Health issues[edit]
Gerry was recently diagnosed with a mild touch of death.
This fact may have been behind a recent surprise decision by Gerry to take a further 90% pay cut, in addition to the reluctant 10% paycut he had accepted earlier this year. Appreciating Gerry's new found flexibility to engage with RTE management, the beauraucrats have reciprocated and offered Gerry an option to claw back some of this reduction, assuming he meets stringent advertising related performance criteria, and submits his request in writing.
Despite being on a salary 8 times that of Barack Obama, he died a pauper. A whip round to pay off his burger and liver paste tab at the RTE canteen yielded E4.39 and half a packet of boiled sweets. Gay Byrne donated the cant of his nose.
Gerry sufferred from "a lot of old women's problems". He also sufferred from chronic flatulence and ill-health due to his colossal bulk (recent reports peg him roughly at a meaty 190 stone and he can be seen fairly clearly from Google Earth). This doesn't trouble kebab and chips expert Ryan though, he continues to make the trip to the shops every day for his daily fix of lard and cakes. It takes seventeen men to transfer butter-ball Ryan from his house onto the back of his reinforced lowloader for his daily trip to the shop. The process takes four hours and involves two fork lifts, one freestanding crane, fives shovels, three wheelbarrows, as well as over twenty metres of steel cable and a pulley system.
Professor Stephen Hawking has stated that the gravitational pull of the sausage-gobbling Ryan is drawing the earth and the moon closer together and that possibly within the next 2 years there will be nothing but tidal waves in Clontarf as Ryan's bulk starts interfering with the world tides. "If Ryan could only learn to say 'I'm full' every once in a while then we wouldn't be facing this disaster. But, oh no, he insists on consuming every fucking thing he sees. Have you heard his radio show? It's a right load of fucking bollocks", said Hawking at a press conference yesterday. Hawking maintains that what he now labels the 'Ryan Effect' is a more pressing problem than global warming, and later this year will present his findings to Nasa, the European Space Agency, the United Nations and other representative bodies. The European Commission has warned the Irish government that it could face food sanctions and severe financial penalties unless Ryan's abnormal consumption levels are curbed). The Irish Surfing Association however welcomed the change and maintains Clontarf could become the New Malibu.
Ryan was an enthusiastic secret supporter of La Causa Nostril and cooked a lot with Browne and Polson cornflour which he obtained from the kindly landladies and masseuses of the Donnybrook apartments where he often took refreshing afternoon siestas and treatment.
Veterinary tranquilizer suppliers also were good to him. One Pachelli McGoblet of Loughrea referred to him as " a horse of a man- a knackers wet dream"
Family life[edit]
Nearly 30 years ago Ryan, as a result of his part-time experimentation with recreational drugs, concocted a crude form of rohypnol. Using this drug he attracted a woman to mate with. 5 children were produced for him. Unfortunately for Ryan his wife's immune system eventually found a way of fighting this. She left him in March 2008, taking absolutely everything he owned with her, including his collection of ball gowns and glass slippers. She set up home in Clodalkin with the notorious homocide and part-time alchemist, George Clooney. Gerry, neutered at the age of 41 and no longer capable of having children, found this bit particularly annoying. Gerry now dead, is being preserved in formalahyde in the Natural History Museum with his enormous bulk spanning all of the Large Mammal, Dinosaur, & Monumentally Obese sections. His final wish to be cremated and have is ashes scattered at sea - was declined for fear his ashes could cause a 2nd major ash cloud and ground European aircraft for months, and not because you would have to deforrest four earths to get enough wood to burn him as was inaccruately reported in the press