HowTo:Win a Student Government Election
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Winning a student government election can be a LIFE CHANGING experience for any college student!
One day you are Joe Peon who doesn't have any say in anything, and the next you are The Right Honorable Joseph E. Peonaslis, Representative from Bumblefark West Residence Hall and Rare Breeds Sanctuary!
While many say it is harder than beating Final Fantasy XII or getting into Harvard, this DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE CASE!
Follow this Nine-Step Program and you will be on your way to totally Pwning all of campus as The Right Honorable Student Government Representative from Bumblefark West Residence Hall.
Nine Easy Steps for Winning a Student Government Election[edit]
The nine easy steps for winning a student government elections are as follows:
1. Run on an all-encompassing platform. Being a staunch Democrat, a staunch Republican, or a staunch Anarchist may help you in real-world elections, but is DOES NOT HELP in student government elections. Instead, pick a platform that no one in their right mind can disagree with.
Some examples include:
- Support for students (as opposed to faculty, staff, or angry residents who want to shoot all attending frat parties and make couches on front porches punishable by DEATH).
- Support for angry residents (There's nothing in the rules about postal voting. Or hypocritical behavior)
- Support for one's school (as opposed to one's bitter rival ,the Chicago Bears, or Nintendo)
- Support for action (as opposed to just buying drinks with student fees all semester and doing nothing but interview with the school newspaper about things like "sending Ludacris to Palestine to end the Iraq War").
Combining two of these three together can REALLY help - especially if you found a political party around the idea...
2. Form (or join) a political party (or an actual party party, we're not fussy). Running independent may be great, but it doesn't help you qualify for federal funding OR the presidential debates. Thus, you really should form a party.
Ideally, said party would be based on the principles alienated alliterated in step 1. Some of the most successful parties in the history of student governments, like the Students 4 Michigan and Michigan Action Party at the University of Michigan, and the Lemon Party, are based on this principle. However, this is not necessary - focusing on one important issue has also been known to be successful for some parties.
For example:
Are all good single issues for a new party to form around. Alternativly, just get enough people in one place to be called a party.
3. Know your frats. Frats are a key part of any student government campaign. Control the frats, and you control the election - even if everybody else HATES you. As a result, going to frat parties and making "beer for votes" deals can be a underhanded very good way to secure electoral triumph. "Vodka for votes" can work even better than beer! Mainly due to the increased volume content, but still.
If you don't do this, and stay away from the frats, you have about as much chance as Ralph Nader. Never mind that "beer for votes" is against the election rules - give the Election Board a keg and they will look the other way. Additionally, make sure you have connections within each major frat - nothing can be more devastating than losing because you just didn't have any connections in Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappa or Beta Alpha Zappa.
4. Run against insane groups that call all their opponents racists. On some campuses, there are groups the perennially run for the student government on a platform of "We Alone Oppose Racism!". These groups typically describe affirmative action as something that is worth DYING FOR and that only racist "White Power" groups like the Republican Party and Wal-Mart would dare oppose.
Some of these groups also come up with other absurd assertions, such as that the SAT actually stands for the Segregation Applied Test and was designed by Dick Cheney and the CIA to keep Black people out of college. If a group that sounds like this runs for student government regularly, running against them can result in easy victory. For one thing, if there is no other opposition your platform is simple - "We're not THEM". A little informative "Friends don't let friends vote <insert name of absurd nutjobs here>" campaign can also help...
5. Have a dog support your campaign. This is quite possibly the most important step to winning a student government election. Students want to see that you have dogs that support you - so make sure you have one! Ideally, the dog would be quite cute and would reach out to students in the exact same way you plan to as Student Representative.
This rule was proven at the University of Michigan in 2006, when Students 4 Michigan won the student government election largely on the strength of their dog, and again at U-M in 2007 with the Michigan Action Party. Of course this would never work in a real election...
6. Spam every man, woman, and child on Earth THIS is what will win you the election. As many know, voting for student government isn't something at the top of most people's To-Do List. Thus, you have to remind them on Election Day. What better way to do this than a nice big spam e-mail? However, if you send one, it would be advisable to send it to EVERYBODY ON EARTH - that way you can be 100% CERTAIN that every eligible voter got such an e-mail.
This does have the side effect that even Fidel Castro would get your e-mail - which could result in you being BANNED FROM CUBA if you weren't running on the Communist ticket. However, he will die soon, so don't worry about this. Also, make sure people have the ability to "Reply to all" to any message you send - allowing open discussion of feedback is important!
7. Launch a Denial of Service attack on your Opponent's Website. This may seem dirty, but think about the prospects. If students can't vote for your opponents, you will have quite an easy time winning! Anyway, this isn't business or even real-life politics - in fact, it's not that much different than Halo 2 or Gears of War. So get out that machine gun and BLAST THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOUR OPPONENT'S SERVER!
(This article is not responsible for machine gun related server incidents.)
Or, if you want to do it the easy way, just watch the movie Hackers and follow the instructions given by those with "1337 skillz" on Hack The Planet! Alternatively, just pay the CIA to take down the website - they LOVE supporting cruel dictatorships.. Even if you end up in jail for doing this, think about it - you can always proxy vote from your jail cell!
8. Rename a Sports Arena after Yourself Renaming sports arenas seems to be all the rage now. Why not promote your student government campaign by renaming a local sports arena after yourself? All you have to do is pay the right people the right amount of money, and it's all yours! This has been PROVEN to get candidates elected - take for instance, the 2006 Ohio State University student government elections in which Joe Value City won the presidency in a landslide. This was attributed to the fact that the hockey arena, Value City Arena, was named after him.
9. Start A Militia. This is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do if you want to win an election. In student government, every group running for election typically has a militia. You in short HAVE to have one, or else your opponents militia will send a sniper squad to assassinate you in your Poli Sci class. Once you DO have your militia, make sure to attack your opponents weak point for MASSIVE DAMAGE!
10. Ignore the other nine steps - THE PARTY always wins. All these steps are great and would *theoretically* help one win a student government election, except for one thing - THE PARTY always wins. While THE PARTY takes on different forms at times, the basics are essentially the same - one party has all the Greeks, all the Romans, all the Jews, all the Gentiles, all the Democrats, all the Republicans, and all Nintendo Wii fanatics. This combination is insurmountable, and therefore it can be tough to win against THE PARTY. So, if you want to run, join THE PARTY - or prepare to be slaughtered in Greco-Roman wrestling.
If you follow all these steps, you should be well on your way to being on Student Government making important decisions about arms deals with Students for a Democratic Society, plots to invade rival campuses, and whether to fund the Big Game Hunting Club. Enjoy it - once you graduate, you will NEVER again be able to run for Student Government! Just be sure to talk to your constituents in Bumblefark West Residence Hall and listen to their concerns, or else you might be kicked off student government by Interpol.