Immaculate Conception
The Immaculate Conception is a doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church that not only was Jesus Christ totally unacquainted with any practice of sin, but he was unacquainted with anyone who was acquainted with it. That is, not only was he conceived in a process not involving nudity, foreplay, or penetration, but so was his mother. Jesus, therefore, was not just a result of a virgin birth, but was the son of a mother who was also a result of such a birth. There was no hanky-panky anywhere in the vicinity.
To be fair, Joseph, the father of Jesus, once jewed a carpentry client out of a hundred shekels on a siding job.
How the Immaculate Conception works[edit]
In an Immaculate Conception, God points a finger at the object of His desire, much as he did in that marvelous portrait by Michael Angelo. There is an "ejaculation" of electricity through that erect joint. It enters the woman and swims up her, into the womb, playing the role that the sperm plays in more pedestrian couplings.
It is unlikely that this tiny jolt would induce the mother's 23 chromosomes to replicate into a full set, as neither the Virgin Mary nor the Very Virgin Jesus is ever alleged to have had effects of chromosome-doubling, nor is touched by rumors of incest. For example, both mother and child, by all accounts, had exactly ten fingers. Instead, God (being omniscient, omnipotent, etc.) would have chosen a complete genome to stick into the woman. This divine DNA would code for piety, devotion, renunciation of material wealth, utter lack of libido, and so on. Also the beautiful curly hair and alabaster-white skin in which Jesus is always portrayed, which must have shocked the Hell out of all the Semites in His neighborhood.
How the Immaculate Conception was sold to Mary[edit]
The Virgin Mary tried many different techniques to "get lucky," as neither pheromones nor make-up was very advanced in the time of the Bible. There were not even columnists for the lovelorn, and talk radio was in its infancy, so she could not turn to it for advice either, not even to fellow Catholic Larry Kudlow. At length, she asked the Angel Gabriel how she could ever become the mother of the promised Messiah. "Gabby," as he was known at the time, considered and rejected recourse to a turkey baster or stealing someone else's baby. He finally declared that God would "get 'er done" in His own sweet time (Luke 1:34-38). And damned if He didn't.
Modern scholarship[edit]
Non-Catholics sometimes mistake the Immaculate Conception for the Virgin Birth, and thus live their entire lives in sad confusion. The concepts are completely different. The Virgin Mary had two human parents. They simply never fucked.
Rabbinical scholars at the Firesign Theatre have mistakenly referred to this doctrine as the Presumptuous Assumption. In recent times, the consequences of the doctrine have only been pursued by ecclesiastical expert Monty Python.
The modern Roman Catholic Church has always upheld both the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception and the Virgin Birth. When it isn't busy insisting that grape Kool-Aid is really blood and Ritz crackers are really human flesh.
See also[edit]
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |