Indianapolis, Indiana

Aerial view of Indianapolis and its suburbs.

Indianapolis is the capital city of Indiana. Its star sign is Libra; it likes barbecues, dogs, and football, and enjoys holding hands and long walks in the woods. Its arch-nemesis is its ex-boyfriend, Cincinnati, which treated it like dirt and left it with emotional trauma it is only just beginning to escape. It is known as Indianrockalis to the Flintstones.

History

Indianapolis (or as its friends call it, "Indy") was born in 1821, and after a confused childhood in a dysfunctional family headed by parents Baltimore and Chicago, it naturally eased into a straight-laced, conservative teenage lifestyle. It found Bill Gates at age sixteen, but in its years at college began dabbling in weed and binge drinking. These years marked the beginnings of Indy's social problems, and it soon commenced a series of relationships with trashy singles like Fort Wayne, Muncie, and Peoria to find solace.

Indy's desire for a lasting, "meaningful" relationship, however, resulted in its finally settling down with Cincinnati in 1903. The two went steady for several decades, and even contemplated moving in with each other, before Cincinnati began to have illicit affairs with towns like Louisville when Indy thought it was out of town on business trips. Finally Indy called things quits after it stopped by on Valentine's Day to discover Cincinnati sleeping with Jacksonville, its new Floridian fling.

Indianapolis has been single for well over four decades now, though its mother, Baltimore, felt sorry for it in 1984 and sent it a football team, the Colts, to keep things interesting. Indianapolis showed its interest in her new football team beating the snot out of her dad, Chicago, in the Super Bowl.

Recently, Indianapolis has come out as gay and is now fashionable... displaying aforementioned gayness in suburb-spawn Carmel, Indiana. This "affluent" town, nicknamed Bruce, is home to about 90,000 gays, 50,000 restaurants, an outdoor mall and 100,000 roundabouts.

Notable achievements

• Famous Indianapolians (or whatever the hell they're called) include John Dillinger, Jared the Subway Guy, David Letterman, and Vonnegut. Manning has been claimed by a jealous Indianapolis from his rightful home of Louisiana, and the Hoosier state is not giving him back.
• Indianapolis is the home to over thirty college fraternities and sororities, as well as the NCAA, the American Legion, the Kiwanis International club, and a motor speedway (home of the Indianapolis 500).
• Indianapolis is also known as the diving capital of America. In every Olympic year, sexy boys and girls regardless of age are tried in this city to vie their best to get a ticket to the Olympics. Famous divers who'd been here are Greg Louganis]], David Boudia, Thomas Finchum, Laura Wilkinson, Christina Loukas and the cutest one, Mary Beth Dunnichay. No, Michael Phelps hasn't been here and he isn't a diver.
• Fixing things that aren't broken.

Dating advice

If you are a city thinking of a relationship with Indianapolis, remember the problems it has had in the past and proceed with caution. This city is highly sensitive and can read you like a book, so if your intentions are less than divine you might as well give up now. Indianapolis is seeking a long-term romance comforting in nature, with a city which will always be there for it when it is feeling down. In return, you can expect pure, unquestioning devotion and an almost otherworldy admiration, although Indy can be clingy. Indianapolis is dependable, intelligent, and loving, and will understand those qualities in others and value them highly.

The best way to approach Indianapolis would be slowly but surely, gaining its trust and showing emotional depth. A tender touch and willingness to listen will help. Don't rush things, or Indy will grow suspicious of your intentions. Make sure your compliments come from the heart, so the city can understand that you aren't trying to butter it up. Be sure to mention how much you love the Keystone Mall, because Indianapolis loves to go shopping on the weekends.

If you already have strong relations with Chicago, your odds will be much, much better. For better results, ask Danica Patrick.