Jacinda Ardern
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| Born: | 26 July 2980
Hamilton New Zealand | |||
| Party: | New Zealand Labour Party | |||
| Religion: | Church of Ardern and Bloomfield | |||
| 40th Prime Minister of New Zealand | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Assumed office: | 26 October 2017 | |||
| Preceded by: | Bill English | |||
| Succeeded by: | Incumbent | |||
“I simply don't accept that!”
J̶a̶c̶i̶n̶t̶a̶ Jacinda Ardern is New Zealand's media expert for pregnancy, dating fishermen, and simply not accepting things. Jacinda is also currently serving as the 40th "front teeth" (Prime Minister) of New Zealand. According to Ardern, New Zealand really needs to "do better" by "doing this" and "let's do that", a recent example when Ardern was featured on the front page of the newspaper, flipping the bird to offshore oil companies. Ardern has featured on many women's lifestyle magazines, such as "Women's Daily", "Women's Weekly", "Women's Fortnightly", and "Home & Garden". To this day, it's unknown to men why kiwi women are obsessed with the young, self-empowered, non-objectified, unoppressed, unmarried, pregnant, subsequent mother, Feminist Prime Minister. Some guys have taken to the comment section of social media to rant about the matter.
Personal Life[edit]
J̶a̶k̶i̶n̶d̶a̶ Ardern owned a polydactyl cat named Paddles, named appropriately after stowing away on Clarke Gayford's fishing boat, chewing and damaging the outboard motor, and paddling the boat back to shore. During the first Month of Jacinda's term in office, DPS (Diplomatic Protection Service) police in high paranoia, chased Paddles in a squad car mistaking it for a threat to the Prime Minister. After Running Paddles over, killing their beloved cat, DPS staged a civilian roadkill accident just outside Ardern's house. To this day, Jacinda and Clarke don't know the truth behind Paddles' death.
Aaaaaaardern was raised from a young age as a member of the Church of Later Day Saints. She maintained her faith throughout her childhood until her later days in High School. This was the result of Ardern's f̶i̶r̶s̶t̶ s̶e̶c̶o̶n̶d̶ t̶h̶i̶r̶d̶ seventh Best Friend Forever who said that her opinions were "totally last week". Following this, Ardern actively sought out a convincing reason to leave the Church. However, her plan was awkwardly derailed after the Church of Later Day Saints agreed with her on the human rights of Homo sexuals. Flustered by this, she just walked out the door.
Political Career[edit]
While commonly mistaken for a communist, Jacinda Ardern is a left-wing progressive, whatever that means, who identifies as a trigger for Baby Boomers, farmers, and students who just paid off their useless and enormous student loans. S̶u̶p̶r̶e̶m̶e̶ ̶L̶e̶a̶d̶e̶r̶ Jacinda was taught as a Jedi Apprentice under Aunty Helen Clark during the 5th New Zealand Labour Government until 2008.
Skip forward 9 years of a memory blur, Jacinda found herself becoming the leader of the opposition and the Labour Party after her predecessor, S̶t̶e̶w̶a̶r̶t̶ Andrew Little, took all her fellow MPs out for lunch and mysteriously never returned.
During the 2017 New Zealand General Election, C̶i̶n̶d̶y̶ Jacinda Ardern became the frenzy of the Media and secret National Party Spy, Mark Richardson. It is heavily speculated that Mark Richardson had made contact with Clarke Gayford, Jacinda Ardern's partner, and provided advice on how to get pregnant. It is believed this was a scheme of the National Party in an attempt to have Jacinda pull out of the election. Jacinda has become well known for her employment of bearded hipster DPS Police, selfie pictures with university students, and going out for Fish ‘n’ Chips.
On the 23rd of September 2017, Jacinda and the Labour Party gained 36.89% of the general election vote. This to the New Zealand Public initially seemed like a loss for Labour. However, due to New Zealand's lack of mathematical skills, Winston Peters of the New Zealand First Party, went behind everyone's back and stole New Zealand's one and only Casio calculator. Winston worked out that if he, Jacinda, and some tree-hugging party all ganged up, they would beat the National Party and form the government. Winston Peters however, found himself indulged in a heavy Netflix series and could not resist the increasingly tempting cliff hangers. Only when Winston ran out of seasons one month later, did he announce his allegiances.
Prime Minister[edit]
Ardern was sworn in as Prime Minister using explicit language on the 26th of October 2017. Over March 2018, Jacinda kidnapped former POTUS Barack Obama while he visited New Zealand. Ardern claimed this was a hormonal oversight during her pregnancy but later fessed up that she was envious of her predecessor John Key who had invited him to his house in the first place. Interviews with the former president later found that she had frequently asked him what "Bad things" John said about her.
In September 2018 Jacinda Ardern was in disarray after she could not look up "How to fire staff" into wikiHow due to fibre installations in at parliament taking a bit longer than expected. Ministers within cabinet used this to their advantage and committed some "umm... umm...only human" offences. National Party and leader of opposition Simon Bridges claimed this to be a lack of intelligence with the PM, yet when challenged by the media on his claims, spent hours refreshing wikiHow with the search term "how to counter good points". During the 2018 United Nations General Assembly, J̶a̶l̶i̶n̶t̶a̶ Ardern started to receive over twenty brand new New Zealand Passports from the department of Internal affairs. New Zealand became confused over the official name of their Prime Minister after multiple United States media channels had pronounced her name in the local American dialect.
Major Historical Events[edit]
In March of 2018, Ardern banned the sale and ownership of guns because some really bad people doing not nice things were buying guns and doing not nice things while owning guns. To this day, Ardern has refused to publicly speak the name of these not nice people doing not nice things. Subsequently, Jacinda has found that her ability to address people by their names is narrowing each time some not nice people do some not nice things with guns. It has been touted by gun ownership lobbyists, that the fundamental flaws in banning guns are being shown every time Ardern remains silent, unable to speak a growing list of names.
COVID-19 Response - The Church or Ardern and Dr Bloomfield[edit]
COVID-19 Chapter 1, Verse 1: In the beginning was 2020, and it was without history. New hope for not a repeat of 2019, or 2018 for that matter. Jacinda Ardern was Prime Minister of New Zealand, and it was good. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 1, Verse 2: But in the shadows, lurked the devious COVID-19. Infection rates on the rise, the country beginning to panic. And so the savior of the country, our leader of regulated capitalism, so gave us Four Levels. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 1, Verse 3: The First Level was but a number, a whistle of Ardern looking to do something while not really achieving anything. Must have been a sign it's election year no doubt. So Ardern then gave us the Second Level, and it was good. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 1, Verse 4: The Second Level, saw the border closed, and everyone distrusting others. The massive social distancing of 2 Meters commenced, and constantly under gauging 2 Meters at the supermarket checkout became normal. Social Distancing and personal hygiene signs and stickers everywhere, 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮 to the windows to the walls. To the sweat pants and yoga balls 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮 - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 1, Verse 5: And it was so that when the infection rates continued to increase, our savior gave us Level 3. All businesses were to prepare for closure. The reserve bank was to pile on a hefty credit card debt to pay everyone's wages. A state of irony that the lowest-paid workers we blamed for electing left-wing governments, we're now our only living hope, designated as Essential workers. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 1, Verse 6: So at exactly 11.59pm on the 59th minute of the 59th Second March 19th, Our Lord and Savior Jacinda Ardern gave us Level 4. Complete and total Lockdown. Streets were empty, "Zoom" was now a household name, and the Church of Jacinda Ardern and Ashley Bloomfield had grown in size by 5 Million, with daily TV services held at precisely 1pm. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 2, Verse 1: I tell you the truth that one whole month of going on romantic dates to the supermarket and back, saw a decrease in virus infections. The lord our savior Ardern, blessed the country with zero new cases of COVID-19. Zero community transmission, and rather aggravated Baby Boomers. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 2, Verse 2: And it was so, that Ardern lowered the level status to 3, and so the population did emerge. Homemade haircuts, a brand new meaning of obesity, and a trend of working from home was born. But although lockdown was lifted, be it only a little, the entire country did go through its teenage rebellious phase and ignore all the level 3 rules that came before. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 2, Verse 2: Some weeks did pass as no new cases did appear. The world, green with envy (or what green is left of it anyway), did say to New Zealand "F&%$!#@ Show off". Ardern did but give us Level 2, and everyone lost their freaking minds! Shops were open, business better than forecast, and most children still had Grandma to visit for tea. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
COVID-19 Chapter 2, Verse 3: And so it did pass that the Church of Ardern and Bloomfield became a bit bland and boring. Danger within the border was no more. Level 1 came and nobody noticed, not that it was much different from Level 2 anyway. The National Party was running out of MPs to continuously sacrifice as the Leader of Opposition. And so it was good, and good was with Ardern. - Then all the people said "ARDERN"
Resignation[edit]
In January 2023 Ardern decided to resign as Kiwi Prime Minister. Her official reason was that she'd 'run out of juice, Bruce' and wanted to spend more time looking after her family. The toothy smile will be gone.