KalOnline

KalOnline is a game where you create an account (if you can understand the website), login, beg for a teacher, and go kill things for exp. Here's how you train: it can be found at www.KalOnline.com[1].

KalOnline

KalOnline is often described as LagOnline for obvious reasons, as the servers are invaded by the evil lagworms of doom. As Korean technology is incapable of handling such an infiltration, all their attempts to stop the lag have been futile. The lagworms have continued to multiply at an unrecordable rate. A suspicion that the GameMasters of KalOnline are stupid enough to let these lagworms to continue to infest their servers has arisen. The plan may be that these worms may multiply to such a number that neighbouring and competing MMORPGs may also become infested with these evil lagworms of doom. This infestation is believed to have origionated from the sad MMO Runescape

That will then mean KalOnline will rule the world with its supreme lagginess. Behold - the superior KalOnline.

Quick Training Techiniques

1. Left or right click on the monster (depending on whether you are using a skill or purely wish to hit the monster).
2. Wait for it to die.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you are a 40-year-old bald, fat and sweaty man still living with your parents. Or until you've had enough of the game to bust open your computer, put it in the microwave, burn it and throw it out of the window, or possibly even kill yourself.

Classes

You have four classes. Knights, Archers, Mages and Thiefs. The knights have the best armor with the most armor rating but the archers evade more attacks than knights do. Knights also hit for a lot of damage depending on whether they crit or not, but it's nothing compared to an archer that's above level 20. It's also crappy if you compare it to a mage's damage above level 25-35. The archer has the attack that deals out the most damage, although it takes 2 seconds to charge, that's two seconds you could be dying! The mage is known to have the most DPS (damage per second). It can deal out well past 400-500 damage in just 0.07 seconds. But why would we choose a mage? It has the worst armor, you might as well go killing things while you're streaking. The thiefs have better armor than the archers but weaker than the knights ones. Anyways they attack like a machine gun.

Skills

There are a few skills in LagOnline that should be explained.

• I - Whining

You will eventually find yourself in LagOnline with no money, medicine, armor, or weapon. Then what do you do? Simple, whine. You can PM the highest ranked player in the game and even tell her your life story and beg for money/items, sometimes they might mail you even 10 geons. Then you're on a roll. IMO, the hardest skill to gain levels.

• II - Cursing

While doing this, you repeatedly use swear words at the person you want to go away from you or stop KSing you. Each time you curse, you are awarded 5 points EXP in the cursing skill. Although it takes 329,176,055 exp just for level two, some people just walk around using words for fun. Don't offend these people - they're just simply trying to get their level up.

• III - KSing

KSing is one of the better skills to have trained. KSing is actually shorthand for kissing, but eventually the archers got lazy and decided to take 2 letters out of the word to make their lives easier. Although, through the ages some mentally handicapped archer never got the meaning, so they substituted their own definition for it, and now everyone thinks it means 'Kill Stealing'. Crazy, isn't it? If you're called a KSer that means they want you to kiss them immediately. You must do this fast before they get mad and start sinning (which will later be explained.)

• IV - Sinning

Sinning is also an important factor in KalOnline, if you have already started playing then you won't be offended by starting to call it LagOnline. Sinning is where you put on a gay looking mask and go around town committing sins of murder, thieving, and adultery. People don't usually like these sinners, whom most may refer to as ASSASSINS or just 'sins'. If you come across a sin your best bet is to type /suicide so he does not kill you. Sinners like to travel in groups of anywhere from 2 to 10. They've become one of the biggest nuisances in LagOnline. If you see one that says, "Don't attack I only kill KSers!" it actually means, "I'm low, level, so if you would please not start hitting me I would appreciate it because I am very weak and can not do damage. I just like standing out here, vulnerable and helpless. P.S. I want your dog." So if you see a sinner that says "Don't attack! I only kill KSers!" you should attack IMMEDIATELY.

• V - Blowing Money

When you're in KalOnline the most likely thing you will want to do is save your money to buy a better weapon and armor and some medicines - but you should not do that. Instead, you need to spend all your money on useless things such as sinner masks and expensive G8 and G16 armor provided by the little people of the game.

The Community

There is also a nice community. The koreans messed up the chat filter to where anything anyone says right outside of the Temporary Fort of the Geum-Oh automatically changes into "Spd pls" "spd pl0x" ",.'-Speed me plx nice mage sister!!-'.," or "speed me or i will sin you"

New Horizons

It has been said that Rolo chocolate bars have been suspected to interfer with the game. Although not 100% sure, they tend to spend most of their time planning the game just to gain experience from others and calling others noobs Now that you've learned the basics of LagOnline you can start playing!