Michael Cohen
Hello — Can I come out again? Michael Cohen present. I once worked for the Big Orange Man until he got me into legal trouble over election expenses and paying off his spanking partner Stormy Daniels. Perhaps you recognise me? Oh, I do know now — I am the rat who betrayed Donald after collecting legal fees for 12 years — but a rat with a conscience after I was convicted for lying to Congressional committees, covering for my former client.
Good to get all that off my chest. I saw Donald in court. I can call him Donald, as were once quite friendly. In those days, our political views were quite fluid. I have been both a Democrat and a Republican, just as Donald switched around before he ran for President in 2015. I was there right behind him. He trusted me. And then one day, he asked me if I could get a loan on my house to pay off a porn star. I said...where do I sign? I was such in awe of Donald that I would have sold my family off too.
Of course, it all went wrong for me when I pleaded guilty. Donald said that thing I had signed included a gag order. I may have been stupid but I knew that wasn't correct. Unless Donald had people to blow my kneecaps off, there would be no way he had that power over me.
So I went to prison. Harsh place. I expected the worst inside the slammer, but I survived by telling stories about life with the Donald. My fellow inmates were fascinated. By then I realized that my earlier hope of getting a slot on Fox TV was never going to happen now. So I flipped — went all-out Liberal — and made myself available for their media to talk to me. Boy, that was a good feeling. So few of Donald's allies had flipped that I had the field to myself. I was treated like the Prodigal Michael who had left the Republican desert and returned to the Liberal spring. Well, something like that.
I blabbed to everyone and got to write books about my time with Donald. Yes, I call him Donald because we were once allies. I can call him Trump but then that reminds me of the rest of his family. Donnie Junior's girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle hates me for calling her Kimberly Gargoyle, though I am told Donald finds that funny.
Hang on...a text message from Donald! I will get back to you after I answer that.
False alarm. A fake.
See everyone in court in April. My best is yet to come!