“The inventors of the shish kebab”
The Narwhal, also known as the underwater unicorn with a kick-ass facial horn, is a large mammal that evolved from unicorns. While comparing DNA strands, it is evident that horses evolved into whales, so it is not implausible to say that narwhals evolved from unicorns. Also, there were large levels of leprechaun predation, which may have contributed to this evolution. Narwhals live in arctic waters. They are one of two white whales making them a member of the Monodontidae family. What sets Narwhals further apart from other whales is the tusk that grows from their upper lip, giving them a majestic, unicorn-like quality. Their diets consist mainly of chicken based dishes, have a strong love of exotic fruits, especially pomegranates, and dislike juices made from concentrate. They ritualistically dance on Friday nights and enjoy fast paced top 100 remixes along with novelty rap. Narwhals also smoke and “drank” on a regular basis, along with gettin’ caked up they enjoy being addicted to internet porn and network coverage of the immoral. They tend to live in grape farms in northern Canada but can be found in gold mines or in undersea caves. The narwhal can be easily recognized by its freaky pointy thing that sticks out of its face. They weigh between 2000 - 3500 pounds. If you are reading this right now you are probably not a narwhal. This is because narwhals cannot read, however they can speak English, Chinese, Japanese and the language of the great sea monkeys. They are also known to watch Pride and Prejudice in many different languages in less than a day, for they have x-ray vision and are able to take the spots of cows with their wizard imagery powers. Some rare breeds of narwhals can have lightsabers as their horns and become Jedi of the sea.
Capturing a Narwhal
To capture a narwhal, you must first find a ninja (Note that the ninja must be obese and have a Portal Gun eating a hot pocket). Once you have, you must kidnap the ninja and convince him to come on your narwhal-hunting journey with you. Then go buy a big butterfly net. If you cannot find one at toys r us, you can simply use a toaster. Capture your narwhal in your butterfly net ...or toaster. Then put it in an oven. You will not be able to eat the narwhal, as they are only made of love. But you will obtain many Valentines day cards once they have reached their full cookedness.
On the 7th day of creation, God rested. However, narwhals were busy doing things that narwhals do. These things were among such activities as playing Wii and trying to microwave Hannah Montana pencils. 8 days before, this happened:
1. A blob. Sort of looked like jell-o
2. Grew eyes. Still sort of looked like jell-o
3. Body grew. No longer jell-o looking.
4. Tail grew. Looked like a faceless (minus eyes), obese dolphin.
5. Obtained ability to speak the language of the great sea monkey, among other unimportant languages.
6. Merged with unicorn. Horn grew.
7. Awesomeness obtained. Threw god off of his throne.
Every year, Narwhals gather and celebrate the day of the horn. This is to remember the 6th day of creation. The best day. Probably. They all gather and form a large circle with their horns facing inwards. After floating in the formation for approximately twelve days, two hours and seven minutes, they watch reruns of Friends on tv. Then they separate and pretend nothing happened.
Some people worship narwhals. They are usually called crazy people or Robert Pattinson. There is no difference. These people are usually 45 year old bald men who stalk young girls on the internet. Still, no difference. Other instances of narwhalism occur in angsty teenagers and those that spend too much time viewing LOLcats. AKB48 worship has also been linked with narwhalism. Most people also belive they are Jedi of the sea.
Followers of narwhalism are known to impal anyone they find spelling narwhal with an e on the end. This normally occurs on Tuesdays after eight o' clock.
The Burrowing Narwhal exists predominantly in Central Saskatchewan. Its diet consists mainly of gophers and the occasional groundhog. They are the second largest mammal and are usually around 20 to 30 feet long. Every November, the Burrowing Narwhal pokes its head out of the ground, and if it sees its excrement, it propmtly eats it and returns to the ground, signalling 6 more weeks of false hope stemming from the presidential election.
They reproduce mainly with the Burrowing Narwhal Queen, who lives in a giant underground cavern. The line to get into the Burrowing Narwhal Queen Mating Club are approximately five hours long, and is monitored by bouncers. Geologists who have attempted to study the Burrowing Narwhal report loud disco music and shockwave patterns consistent with strobe lights emanating from such caverns. These rave parties are typically DJ'd by Mitt Romney and his P90-X disciples.In the club, when not mating, Burrowing Narwhals engage in activities such as grinding up their opium-flavored horns and smoking them, or Heil-ing Hitler with their horns. Burrowing Narwhals typically come out of the womb fully grown, which is possible only because of the immense size of the Burrowing Narwhal Queen.
No pictures have ever been taken of the Burrowing Narwhal, as it usually only surfaces during temperatures of 20 Kelvin. However, Narwhals have been sighted in outer space hacking into American intelligence satelites concerning the recent events in North Korea. Do we know where their loyalties lie?