Pastafarian Schisms
Due to the rise in Flying Spaghetti Monsterist activity as of the Great Unsilencing, multiple events have rocked the Flying Spaghetti Monsterist community.
SPAM‘a Linguinism[edit]
- (Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs) Linguinism is an FSM splinter group. Claiming to have the One, True Letter to the Kansas School Board, SPAM‘a's founder, Skamfor Profit, called for a Holy War against FSM. In their founder's words, entitled "95 Feces," which he nailed to the sliding glass door of the First Church of Pastafarian Science (which was then known as the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion), Prophet Profit, referring to Pastafarians, stated
| “ | First, their temples should be set on fire, and whatever does not burn up should be covered or spread over with dirt so that no one may ever be able to see a cinder or a stone of it. . . . [Pastafarian homes should likewise be] broken down or destroyed. Pastafarians should then be put under one roof or in a stable . . . in order that they may realize that they are not masters in our land. They should be put to work to earn their living by the sweat of their noses . . . These poisonous bitter worms should be stripped of their belongings which they have extorted usuriously from us and driven out of the country for all time. | ” |
Newsflash! The Alfredo/Pastafarian Alliance (the APA) has launched a peremptory campaign of violence against the peace loving SPAMites. Capitalizing on the the universal antipathy for unsolicited email, the APA has falsely accused SPAM‘a Linguinism of sending out mass emails promising larger peni, eternal Viagrarian erections, and the like. They have begun to recruit and actively engage in violent Anti-spamitic propaganda.
Time Noodle[edit]
- FSMist Lunatic Gene Rayvioli, created a new theory regarding the true nature of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This was immortalized in a speech at a congregation many, many years ago. (We have records of this, but they're under the couch and I can't reach.) In it, he alluded to four simultaneous meatballs contained within 24 simultaneous noodles, stating that the FSMist clerics have educated their followers stupid. He also claimed that pairs are zero and that learning about the pairs of meatballs from the word monster are evil. However, upon finishing his tirade, Gene's entire gastrointestinal tract became filled with Miracle Parmesan before he could utter another word, and promptly died of asphyxiation. To this day, no one knows if Gene had stumbled onto some Noodly Truth, or if the Flying Spaghetti Monster was so annoyed by Gene that in His great wisdom, He shut Gene the hell up to spare His followers yet another babbling loony. It still remains that there are a scant few that attempt to unravel this mystery though extensive brain damage.
Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness[edit]
- The Moominists believe that the FSM was created from a manicotti base. A plea from Arch Deacon Pony "Despite many factions of this church being heretical to our beliefs, we are willing to accept that we can exist together in harmony, for the time being at least. However, I feel that there is an urgent mission that we must address immediately. The maniacal SPAMites are declaring holy war on FSMism. We can not stand idly by and watch as the cornerstone of our church is destroyed. Surely, once FSMism has been erased other churches will find themselves coming under the very same pressures. First, they will come for the Pastafarians. Then they will come for the Moominists. When they come for you, there will be nobody left to protest. We must join together to rid the world of the SPAMation abomination. Together we can triumph!"
Flying SpaghettiOs Monster[edit]
- The Campbell Soup Company is widely blamed for this offshoot of FSM.
It is claimed that the Flying SpaghettiOs Monster is a more perfect being than the Flying Spaghetti Monster, what with it being a circle and developed by a major multinational corporation and all. This has long since been proven as a marketing hoax after 43,666,OU8. Twelve people died while participating in Campbell sanctioned rituals and were summarily ground up and made into more soup.
Rotininians[edit]
The Rotinianians (also known as the Church of the Twisted Noodle) believe in a Twisted God constructed from Rotini. The church was founded by Oliver Twist, and holds completely different sacraments from those of the other church schisms. For instance, their Noodle Dance is a variation on The Twist, which is danced upon a plastic sheet from the game Twister, performed to the song Twist & Shout by the band Twisted Sister.
Esoteric Order of the Giant Spaghetti Monster[edit]
This minor, distantly related sect reveres the Giant spaghetti monster rather than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Their holy day is Monday, which is why nobody likes them. Dull and pointless, the Esoteric Order of GSM is comprised of people who acknowledge the powers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but are too slow-witted to realize His glorious noodliness.
First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster[edit]
The First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster believe in "Noodle Harmony" a document which states that the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) created all noodles in his image to be His Divine representation on Earth. This dictates that ALL noodles, regardless of seasonings, texture, or floppiness must be accepted as representations of the FSM and should not at any expense be turned away from anyone and must be eaten reverently and with respect. As to the ninja regalia the church believes that through his divine power the FSM chose pirates as his HUMAN representation on Earth. This belief dictates that true followers dress as pirates every single day of their lives as to appease His Noodly Appendage. Prayer is viewed as reverent and accompanied by the consumption of spaghetti before and after the prayer to better understand the FSM and his plans for our lives. Holidays include "Festival of the Ramen" in which the ramen noodles are the only thing to be consumed that day as it is the common belief that ramen was the first noodle created by the FSM in his image. The day is capped-off at sunset when followers cover themselves in ramen and sing praises to the FSM. The church is currently headed by His Noodly Holiness Sir Logan Wolf and is based primarily in midstate Pennsylvania.
Tyrrhenian Unican Church[edit]
The Tyrrhenian Unican Church considers itself to be the one true Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and regards all other sects to be heretical and/or schismatic. The Chief Officer of the Tyrrhenian Unican Church is known as the Noodly Captain, or slightly less formally as the Rope. The Rope is regarded as the FSM's vicar on Earth. In past centuries, the term "Ropicists" was used by many as a slur against Tyrrhenian Unicans by members of some of the other Pastafarian sects.
In theory, the words of the Rope are regarded as holding no more weight than that of any true Pastafarian (bear in mind, Tyrrhenian Unicans use the term "true Pastafarian" as a euphemism to refer only to their fellow Tyrrhenian Unicans) and is considered only to be infallible when speaking Ex Galea (Latin for "From the Helm").
In practice, however, the even Rope's every day words are pretty much regarded as Infallible unless they are in one way or another inconvenient to the Tyrrhenian Buearaucracy. The words that are most likely regarded as suspect in this regard are words that give non-Pastafarians clearance to sail the High Seas without being boarded and looted, or words that offer any conciliatory gesture toward other sects of Pastafarianism for purposes other than opposing the idea of non-Pastafarians sailing the High Seas without being boarded and looted.
While there may be some sects of Pastafarians who do not believe in boarding and loting ships that sail the High Seas, the Tyrrhenian Unicans regard such permissiveness as further proof that those other sects aren't what they regard as true Pastafarians. Of course, that's generally redundant, because they already don't regard them as true Pastafarians due to their lack of communion with the Noodly Keel - which is the name for the Rope's flagship in the Tyrrhenian Sea.
For a brief time in the Middle Ages, the Noodly Keel set sail to the Gulf of Lion and remained there for a brief while. Upon it's return to the Tyrrhenian Sea, a replica of it was built which sailed the Gulf of Lion claiming itself to be the Noodly Keel. This started a period of time was known as the "Rival Ropiciacy". At the height of the Rival Ropiciacy, there were a total of at least three ships (possibly more) claiming to be the Noodly Keel, each claiming it's Captain to be the Rope.
Reformed Pastafarianism[edit]
One of the central teachings of the Reformed Pastafarian Church is that 50 to 1 is balanced. There is no greater gift that parents can give their children than the gift of faith in Pastafariansim. To give this gift, the best and indeed most balanced education should have for every 50 hours of religious instruction, praising FSM, one hour of criticism of heathen and heretical faiths, some atheist and agnostic bashing should also take place. Then the children will grow into well rounded young adults and they will see the truth in the Pastafarian Gospel.
The other belief is that airport security checks are immoral. The Lord your Flying Spaghetti Monster said when you are struck on one cheek you should turn the other one so that you may be struck on that one too. There is no higher authority than the FSM Himself. So when someone wants to attack you, you must let him and do not prevent him in any way what-so-ever. Airport security checks are an insult to the FSM and His word.
Pastafeminism[edit]
A particularly troublesome offshoot of the Pastfarianism was founded in the early 20th century by people who claimed that the true Flying Spaghetti Monster was in fact female, and that what looked like meatballs were in fact, ummm, well, you know, bosoms. These "meatbosoms" as they became known were welcomed by some former Pastafarians until they realized where this whole heretical subterfuge was going.
By the late 20th century, the Flying Spaghetti Mother, as the Pastafeminists referred to their Supreme Being, was claimed to be temporally antecedent to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and to have in fact, cooked up the FSM on a bad hair day. Before long, protest marches and impromptu street theater events were demanding not only equal time for the Flying Spaghetti Mother, but a quota system for breaking through the Glass Heavens that had for so long kept female deities from the upper echelons of worshipful beings.
Fortunately the Pastafeminists staged a walkout and are thought to have retreated to a commune somewhere in Manitoba where they are farming millet and dreaming of world domination.