Piers Morgan
Piers Pughe-Morgan (né O'Meara, born 30 March 1965), once edited the News of the World and the Daily Mirror when on work experience.
He is editorial director of First News, a national newspaper that publishes ads for child prostitutes. He was also a talent judge (somehow) on Britain's Got Talent and America's Got No Talent, and has authored eight books, including three volumes of his memoirs, which no one bothered to read because they were too busy playing Xbox, written with his trusty crayon set. From 2011 to 2014, Morgan sought to take on a much, much lower profile by becoming CNN's lead primetime anchor. He replaced Larry King, who had suffered a massive stroke live on-air in 2001 — though no one noticed for years.
Piers also writes tiresome, sycophantic interviews in GQ (the magazine for pretentious arses with no fashion sense) with utterly banal and irrelevant celebrities like himself. He suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.
Childhood and education[edit]
Piers began his very sad life as little more than a posh fetus trapped deep within a female body, and upon leaving the womb of opportunity set out to take over the world, one shite talent-finding-related programme at a time. Being born and raised in the Amazonian jungle by meerkats caused Piers to develop feral tendencies, and this caused a significant problem for him when attempting to make it big in the world of showbiz.
After Mr Morgan's tribe was unexpectedly attacked by poachers deep within the jungle, Piers was forced to flee in terror, leaving behind the family that he had grown to love. Piers was particularly distraught over having to leave the tribe's 'Wonga Fruit' tree that grew in the centre of the village, which was fittingly named 'The Wonga Fruit Tree' by natives. Luckily, Piers was able to reach the land known as America after jumping into the bag of a visiting tourist.
Piers grew up with 23 brothers and 2 sisters, of whom 25 of them were also named Piers. Piers Morgan's parents have since been prosecuted and executed for crimes against nature – namely, for producing such a shocking number of bastard offspring. Piers attended St. Augustine's Preparatory School For the Incessantly Smug in Coventry, where he was elected as Head Boy as soon as they saw that sickening greasy smile. Piers's duties as Head Boy involved fellating all of the fourth-years whilst playing a version of Tammy Wynette's 'Stand By Your Man' on a kazoo, which was inserted into his anus. This is referred to as 'Tammying', or more commonly, 'A good ol' seeing to'. Because of this, Piers grew up with a lot of pent-up aggression and bad feelings towards people with talent and intelligence, so you could say he hated everyone. Some people close to him feel that this has contributed to him becoming the wanker that he is today.
Controversy[edit]
Piers Morgan is one of Arsenal Football Club's biggest fans. He showed what a true fan he was by getting 40 of his innocent fellow fans sacked from their jobs after printing a completely fabricated story in the Daily Wanker, the newspaper he edited at the time.
Fortunately for Piers, Simon Cowell also attended St. Augustine's Preparatory School For the Incessantly Smug, and when they met at a school reunion, Simon asked if Piers wanted a job on the telly in return for a blow job. Of course, Piers was happy to oblige. Some might question whether this vacuous, sleazy, no-good, weasel-faced, smug, pugnosed fudgepacker is actually eligible to pass judgment on others' talent when he has absolutely zero talent of his own. Well, those people are right.
Relationship with Cliff Richard[edit]
Piers used his fake English passport, (created with the help of a Paint Shop Pro X Trial code and photoshop) to travel to the home of none other than Cliff Richard (World tennis champion, 1967 - Present) to film a hard-hitting documentary for ITV depicting the life of a lonely, middle-aged tennis player contemplating gender reassignment surgery.
Piers fansite[edit]
Piers recently revealed via the Official Piers Morgan Fansite (created, managed and used only by Piers himself) that he has signed a deal with a prestigious book publisher, which has agreed to publish the life and times of Piers with the help of Microsoft Word and a printer.
Piers stalker[edit]
Piers had a wild relationship with Meghan Markle for one evening about three years ago. Morgan thought they were going to be regular fixture but then she married 'that ginger haired oaf' Prince Harry. When the couple declined to invite him to their wedding, Morgan felt he had been deeply insulted. From then on, he was constantly criticising Meghan's clothes, her hair, and being a 'disruptor' for not taking the British Royal Family as living gods as they do back home. Morgan said Markle was lying out the abuse she had received from Buckingham Palace and that was the reason why she left. Morgan had asked for an interview with Markle in March 2021 but she went on TV with Oprah Winfrey. So he instead exploded with rage on his own television morning breakfast show and left the set as they were transmitting live. It was the greatest TV flounce out since the Bee Gees walked out of a TV interview.
Piers would go on to trash Markle's interview with Oprah, in particular pooh-poohing her claim to be 'sleeping rough' with Harry whilst harboring thoughts of suicide, which the Royal Family would do nothing about because she said they don't grant counseling to people of her skin color. Tens of thousands of ITV viewers responded that Piers' remark was a slap at the Suicide Community and, in the wink of an eye, Piers was rendered an unperson.