Scottish National Party

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Nicola Sturgeon cooing as she realises that she has worn a completely inappropriate Lego hair piece to a television interview.

“Wash your hands after touching that raw chicken my dear, otherwise you might catch Salmondella”

~ Delia Smith on sensible kitchen hygiene

The Scottish National Party (SNP; Scottish Gaelic: Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta na h-Alba; Scots: Scotch Naitional Pairtie) is a group of brutal tyrants that currently shares rule with London over Scotland. They were founded in 1938, temporarily deposed in 1942, and reinstated in 1950. The current dominant male is Mel Gibson but the party is now led by Nicola Krankie.

Current Status and History[edit]

Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta poke-mà-hokis na h-Alba is a political party within Scotland. It promises to free the Scotland from the shackles binding it to the United Kingdom and allowing it to regain its Independence by waving ta-ta to one foreign country and replacing it with another foreign country. It's sole aim is to replace Scotland's London rule to Scotland's Brussels rule. The country will still have the Queen as Head of State, keep the pound as it's currency. It will have pretend military bases made out of chipboard, breeze block and cardboard where Scottish troops (SAPS - Salmond Army Protection Squad) will be armed with plastic bows & arrows with suckers on the end, paper origami darts and a selection of brightly coloured water bomb balloons.

About the Party[edit]

The SNP controls 2.32 of the 7.57 seats within the Scottish Parliament in Holyrood, Edinburgh and was founded at the Battle of Bannockburn near Stirling in 1314 when a couple of guys at the back of the infantry had finished playing their game of cards and finally put the whisky decanter down. Their idea to set a political party and set rules & regulations and party political manifestos was based solely on incoherent drunken ramblings and blaming someone else for their mistakes. (Nothing's changed I see!)

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Scottish National Party.

Nowadays, the party has grown into a crack political team consisting of Alex 'Fat Boab' Salmond, John 'Hen Broon' Swinney, Keith 'did ye ken I was a marine' Brown, Stewart 'Beaker' Stevenson, Nicola 'Jimmy Krankie' Sturgeon, Michael 'Teenwolf' Russell, Fiona 'I've been minister for everything cos I cannae dae any of the jobs' Hyslop and Christina 'A havnae a clue whit am dain' McKelvie who all like to piss and moan at anything Labour suggest or anyone in Scotland with any kind of brain or forward thinking recommends. Anyone who has their own thoughts or who wishes to make a comment on anything the SNP do or say will have pointy fingers made towards them followed by shrill cries of "scaremongerer scaremongering!"

The SNP currently run Scotland using the following method of Government:

  • 1) SNP make suggestion in Parliament.
  • 2) Scottish Labour laugh at SNP and talk about how crap and stupid their idea is.
  • 3) Other parties all laugh simultaneously at SNP and talk about how crap and stupid their idea is.
  • 4) SNP go round Holyrood offices begging other political parties to help put their idea through.
  • 5) Other parties laugh at the SNP saying they will run an Independent Scotland but can't get silly and stupid ideas through presently.
  • 6) SNP give up crap and stupid idea and then blame Westminster.
  • 7) In more recent times, it is more important to promise independence from these paternalists in London. It is still immoral to tell Salmond the Hutt to give his people a ballot paper (on any issue that concerns Scotland).

The Leader[edit]

Lord High Protector of Caledonia, Alba, Scotia and Keeper of the Sacred Saltire Sporran Alex Salmond

The party was led until recently by Alex Salmond. He was called Eck the fat Fish but was able to defeat and crush the other Scottish party leaders.

Salmond stepped down as party leader in October 2014 after losing his trews in betting correctlly the Scots would vote for independence. The majority of the electorate won independance from him. He has been replaced by Wee Nicola 'Krankie' Sturgeon as party leader and First Minister. Nicola does a good job for three reasons: Her name is not Salmond, her name is not Salmond, and it is also a fact that she is not Alex Salmond.

SNP Policy[edit]

"They may take our lives but they'll never take our haggis suppers!"
  • Sell the Lowlands to China to make more money.
  • Sell the Highlands to China to make even more money.
  • Rebuild Hadrian's Wall... and make it taller.
  • It's Scotland's oil, let's burn it.
  • Complete outlawing of cricket or anything resembling it.
  • Borrow lots of money and then go independent so as not to pay it back, also called "the-one-night-stand" policy.
  • Make sure Scotland continue their tradition of not reaching major international football events.
  • Ban Morris Dancers in Scotland.
  • Ban all Alcohol not made in Scotland, expect Irish Whiskey. So no more Buckfast.
  • Turn Scotland into one big Braveheart themed funpark.
  • Replace the "welcome to Scotland" sign at the border between Scotland & England with one saying "Jings crivens yer noo in Scotland ye ken, aye braw Scotland ken"
  • Kidnapping Britney Spears and making her Queen of Scotland.
  • Make it law that every Scottish male has to wear a glengarry hat with an 18" feather or face deportation.
  • Make everyone wear a piece of clothing daily with a Saltire flag on it.
  • Donald Trump to become an honorary Scot and become Minister of Golf & Toupees.

If none of these resonate with the electorate, blame England. Party cadres must also know when which point or points carries an exceptions. One exception is if a Scottish myth is debunked, it was the BBC that invented the myth to start with. BBC is continuing to misrepresent Scotland.

The Opposition[edit]

Loch Ness Monster. Less endangered that Scottish Liberals.

The SNP's constantly impeded progress has been attributed by historians to whom the SNP have to share a parliament with.

Scottish Labour (London Labour) Want to keep Scotland dank, desolate and depressing.

Liberal Democrats (Hangers On) Want to take credit for everything while doing absolutely nothing. Sucking up to heroine addicts, but putting more effort in staying clear of the SNP. Just for laugh: Tell it to the Libdems that herionists support the SNP.

Conservatives (Tories) Want to "conserve" Scotland by closing it down completely.

Scottish Greens (Hippies) Want everyone in Scotland to peddle a bike, wear beige corduroy fashion trousers and have a constant supply of candles for lighting purposes. This fails to explain why they are chummies with the SNP, and you will thusly insert a joke about lawyers.

Scottish Socialists (Cubans) Want to recreate the country of Cuba in Scotland.

Solidarity (Jailbirds) Want to show solidarity by putting everyone in Scotland in jail alongside their leader and recreate the country Cuba behind bars.

The BBC[edit]

The SNP believe they would have won the independence referendum in September 2014 if they had managed to close down the BBC. The TV broadcaster's very name 'British' is an affront to the SNP who say it is really the Westminster Bubble Station. Alex Salmond ordered his supporters to besiege the BBC HQ in Edinburgh in the same way Robert the Bruce besieged Stirling Castle in 1314 to draw the English north. The only English broadcaster they managed to bring off his high horse was Sir Nicholas Robinson, the Tory Laird of Broadcasting House - AKA - the 'Sir Pompous Twit-in-Glasses'. Had the SNP consisted of trotters, the Nationalists would know the BBC does not equal Weatmister.

See also[edit]