Spyware

This is what you computer would look like if you didn't use Spyware, full of Windows.

Spyware is a brand of software that is installed with the obvious consent of the user on a personal computer to intercept or take partial control over the user's interaction with the computer, without the user's informed consent. Therefore, Spyware is irredeemably Bat Fuck Insane.

While Spyware was originally created by the zionist jewrats in an attempt to make cyber ninjas that secretly monitored the user's behavior, the functions of spyware extended well beyond simple monitoring, later adding porn search engines and being nice enough to help the user find better ways to make money.

Since Spyware 2.0, Java and Macromedia have been the main contributors to developing the program, adding new features yearly. It has become the number one product of it's type, far surpassing Nintendo and Yahoo!. Spyware can collect various types of personal information, but can also give the user more control of the computer in other ways, such as installing additional software, redirecting Web browser activity, accessing websites previously selected for your benefit that will cause more good antivirus activity, or diverting advertising revenue FROM a third party to you. Spyware can even change computer settings, resulting in enhanced connection speeds, different home pages, and more sexytime in average. In an attempt to discredit the understanding of Spyware, a more formal classification of its included software types is captured under the term privacy-invasive software, according to Al Gore and Bill Gates. The fact is that Bill Gates is jealous because more people own Spyware than a real copy of Windows.

In response and jealousy to the emergence of Spyware 2.05, a small industry has sprung up dealing in anti-Spyware software. Running anti-Spyware software has become a widely recognized element of computer mistreatment, however most Americans buy it. In Cambodia, a number of jurisdictions have passed anti-Spyware laws, but haven't had any sort of significant impact, because no-one in Cambodia uses computers.

History and development

The only man in Cambodia who was affected used a Windows ME.

Spyware is a portmanteau of the words underwear and Spice Girls, devised just to bust Microsoft's chops. The word originally was slang for how Bill Gates had stolen some panties from the Spice Girls, and just couldn't stop sniffing them when alone. The software back then was originally developed to spy on him, but nowadays is just the name of the program that Bill Gates hates the most, because has better sales than Windows Vista.

In an estimate based on customer-sent scan logs by the government, it was discovered that nine out of ten computers that use Spyware connected to the Internet are infected by Windows. Computers where Internet Explorer (IE) is the primary browser are particularly vulnerable to such attacks not only because IE is the most widely-used, but because Windows is a pimp, and is allowed access to crucial parts of the operating system. When the creators of Spyware found out, they knew they had something to do now, instead of lying on the couch, eating crisps and watching Next.

Before Internet Explorer 7 was released, the browser would automatically display an installation window for any ActiveX component that a website wanted to install. The combination of user naiveté towards malware and the assumption by Internet Explorer that all ActiveX components are benign, led, in part, to the massive spread of Microsoft shit. As a response, Spyware 2.4 can also make use of flaws in JavaScript, Internet Explorer and Windows to install Windows onto Bill Gates' computer, thus irreversibly fucking it up.

Since 2007, all users of an original copy of Spyware 3.0 will receive $1,000 and and island east of Asia.

Comparison with competing software

Currently, the top three different brands that compete over the 'malware' industry are Spyware 4.5, Virus 2.0 and Worm 6.1. Each one has it's advantages, but while all of the others depend on some sort of advertising to be maintained, Spyware is the only one that doesn't, and in fact cleans your computer.

Unlike viruses and worms, Spyware does not usually self-replicate. One needs to buy another copy of the product to do so. In contrast, recent versions of Virus, however, by design — exploit infected computers for commercial gain. Typical tactics furthering this goal include delivery of unsolicited pop-up advertisements; theft of personal information (including Grand Theft Auto); making a list of your favorite hentai websites; or routing of HTTP requests to advertising sites, like the Hello Kitty Fan Club and so.

Ways of installing it

This person is about to have the happiest day of his life. After all, if it has a smiley, it can't be that bad.

Spyware does not directly spread in the manner of a computer virus or worm: generally, a blessed system does not attempt to transmit the awesomeness to other computers. On the other hand, Windows gets on a system through deception of the user or through exploitation of software vulnerabilities.

Most users know that they install Spyware without their own knowledge. Since they tend not to install software if they know that it will disrupt their working environment and compromise their privacy, spyware deceives users, either by piggybacking on a piece of desirable software such as Norton or Panda Antivirus, tricking them into installing it (the Trojan horse method). Some "rogue" anti-spyware programs masquerade as security software, while being spyware themselves.

What it does

Spyware is rarely alone on a computer: as a default, it will update your antiviruses freely and clean your temporary folders and also wipe your hard disk clean, so it runs smoother. Users frequently notice unwanted behavior and degradation of system performance once uninstalling Spyware, after getting used to it. Spyware literally annihilates unwanted CPU activity, disk usage, and network traffic, all of which slow the computer down, through light-sabers and condoms. Stability issues, such as application or system-wide crashes, are as rare. Hell, actually, the creators said that if it ever happens, they would get a sex change, and as on now they are still manly men.

Fake ripoffs that actually are bad

Mac users, watch your fucking back, DyFuCa is on the kill!!

These common programs are named 'Spiewear' because they were made by people with Tourette's Syndrome or cereal killers. Note that as with Windows, researchers give names to spyware programs which may not be used by their creators. Programs may be grouped into "The Godfather" based not on shared program code, but on common behaviors, or by "following the money" of apparent financial or business connections, (SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!). For instance, a number of the Spiewear programs distributed by California are collectively known as "Gator".

• CoolWebSearch, is precisely that. It will load you up the CoolWebSearch website, and well, one you're there, there's not much to do. There is a banner, some letters with umlauts and a picture of Dick Cheney.

• Internet Optimizer, also known as DyFuCa, redirects your car when you are driving, often followed by an accident. DyFuCa actually stands for Die The Fuck Off, kinda.

• Zango (formerly 0 Solutions) transmits detailed information to advertisers about the Web sites which users visit. It also alters HTTP requests for affiliate advertisements linked from a Web site, so that the advertisements make unearned profit for the 0 Solutions company. It opens pop-up ads that cover over the Web sites of competing companies.

• HuntBar, aka KakaTools or something, was created by extremely big and scary pedophiles found at affiliate Web sites, or by intelligent programs that create other intelligent programs that in turn create those other intelligent programs — an example of how nobody cares about who the hell created it. This program is pretty bad, because it gives acne to the monitor, and the person looking at it, and also gives athlete's foot to the mouse, making it really distressing to use. If you get this program on your PC, the best things to do are the following:

1. Disconnect it, and stuff it in a bag ruthlessly.
2. Wash your hands with hydrochloric acid.
3. Get a baseball bat and beat the crap out of the bag with the computer inside (best results with cat inside)
4. Run like hell
5. Come back after forgetting the bag
6. Drop it at the nearest asylum, never to come back.

• Movieland, also known as Moviepass.tv or Popporn.net, is the only place one can download Borat's movie and Bambi from, but this Spiewear developed by Al-Quaeda was more cunning than that. Consumers claiming they were held hostage by its repeated pop-up windows and demands for payment, along with the FTC complaint against Movieland.com and eleven other elephants, has forced Al-Quaeda to actually take them hostage, and hang these people by their balls from a clothes hanger. The complaint alleges that the software repeatedly opened XXL sized pop-up windows (and XXX windows too) that could not be closed or minimized, accompanied by Afghan music that lasted nearly an hour, demanding that the United States becomes Islamic. Of course, nothing like that happened, as the steps pointed on the above example were used. An increase of bags at asylums has grown since last year.

• Slob trojan, also known as Zlob, Was first created by dirty russian mobsters who are also coincidently pedophiles. It Downloads itself to your computer via an ActiveX codec and does absolutely nothing. It will sit there, sleep, and eat your RAM like Homer Simpson on a bag of crisps it also will occasionally watch some porn aswell.

How to Get Rid of Malware

1. Say, "FUCK!!!"
2. Restart your computer and hold down the F8 key; select "Safe Mode with Command Prompt."
3. Type "cd restore," then type "rstrui.exe."
4. Select a good restore point from before you got nailed (again) with a virus, and run the "Restore" program, clicking "next" etc. in the obvious places.
5. Say, "GOD PLEASE I promise NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN I'll ONLY use my computer for good honest purposes oh my God this paper is due tomorrow oh God what am I going to DOOO-hooo-hooo God really this is IMPORTANT PLEASE!!!!!
6. When Windows restarts after an insanely long wait time, run a good virus scanner and delete what it finds.
7. Restart your browser and start looking at porn again.

See also

• SpySheriff