Stroh 80
Stroh 80 is a highly alcoholic spirit which is borderline deadly. It has been used as snakebite antidote, rocket fuel, poison in espionage roles, a creativity tool, contraception and other secret uses to which we can only speculate. The following article gives a brief overview of the Stroh legacy.
Origins[edit]
Stroh 80 is a potent alcohol first developed in Austria by half blind monks. Originally the 80% (160% proof) alcohol was devised as a means for the acolytes of these monks to stimulate hallucinations through which they could communicate with God. This caused the deaths of approximately 90% of those who undertook the ritual, the remaining 10% were so befuddled that they blindly accepted the terms and conditions of entering the Stroh monastic order, which included ritualised buggery and a strange hatred of cats.
Use in the Spanish Inquisition[edit]
It was in the late 14th century that esteemed inquisitor, Ser Tacticales Chundoris of the Inebriaty stumbled across Stroh 80 whilst conducting a thorough questioning of a particularly annoying yodeler. The actual monastery of the Stroh monks had been destroyed years before by a group of homophobic cats, although the detail remain scarce. Deep within the ruined catacombs Ser Chundoris discovered a hidden vat of fermenting Stroh 80, from which he drank deeply. The reasons for this are unknown, but the most popular hypothesis is that the noble inquisitor was suffering from a particularly virulent cold and as was unable to detect the potent stench of the vile brew.
Regardless of the reasons why, Ser Chundoris later described the experience as 'Having boiling hot motor oil poured down my throat whilst simultaneously being violated by a Vanilla flavoured sledgehammer'. The fact that he knew what motor oil was whilst living in the [[]]14th century can only be attributed to the revered prophetic power of Stroh 80.
Upon returning to Spain he presented his findings to the devout of the faith, claiming that only the strong of faith could survive such an encounter, and as such 'Stroh Dunking' became a popular method of torture, especially when faced with heretics and witches. Indeed, after being submerged in Stroh for so long individuals would drunkenly confess to just about anything. The following are extract from one such interrogation:
"I am a man of faith! I reject these claims on the grounds of no evidence'" - Unknown prisoner before dunking
"Me and you, we get on well yeah? Like we've been mates for like ages...Incoherent babble....but at the end of the day, God is God, so does it matter that I slept with the popes mother? No! See it's logic." - Unknown prisoner after dunking, and before public execution.
The Pope's mother was then questioned, which inevitably led to the same Stroh induced confirmation, as well as several embarrassing stories of the popes childhood, leading to the banning of Stroh by the Pope in the early 15th century. However, illegal Stroh bootleggers continued to supply the drink to interested parties, and this practice continues to this day.
Engineering applications[edit]
The interest in Stroh was reignited during the American space race with Soviet Russia. The Russians are a culture founded on the unremorseful and unabashed consumption of copious amounts of alcohol. It was in a small bar in Siberia that the idea to use Stroh as rocket fuel was first devised by local farmer Dimitri Strohanoth and alleged descendent of the Stroh 80 monks. During a bar fight Dimitri took a bottle of Stroh and forcibly thrust it into the exposed backside of a particularly aggressive bear who'd been giving him mean looks all night. The resulting leap the bear performed caused Dimitri to exclaim 'Christ, he shot up like a rocket!' Unfortunately the bear preceded to rip Dimitri to shreds. However several members of the KGB were there on a winter vacation and as such reported the encounter to the head scientists of the USSR.
Whilst Stroh provided more than enough thrust to propel half of Europe to the Moon, it was inherently unstable. The first and only attempted rocket launching using Stroh resulted in an explosion the size of 5 Hiroshima bombs.
The obvious step was to militarise Stroh into a weapon, however a ground breaking summit situated on neutral ground in the Bahamas ensured that all Stroh related weapons were banned and prohibited. However many terrorist organisations have attempted to replicate Stroh 80 with inferior versions known as Stroh 30, 50 and 60. However, these imposters do not posses the necessary alcohol values in order to disrupt the laws of physics. As to why 80% alcohol tears the fabric of reality, we are unsure. We can only assume it's because they're drunk off their rockers.
Current uses[edit]
Most have written Stroh off for any practical applications. However, this does not mean that the age of Stroh is over, indeed far from it. The current champions of Stroh are the snow sports societies of universities all over the world. A recent study conducted by Richard Dawkins on alcoholic driving forces of evolution has shown that university snow sports societies drink on average 573% more litres of Stroh in one day on a ski holiday than the layman does in the entirety of his life. Furthermore the study went on to single out two university societies as particularly high in Stroh intake - NUSSC (Newcastle university snow sports club) and EXE snowsports (Exeter snow sports society). Dawkins concludes that the presence of 'living fossils' such as potential future president of NUSSC The esteemed J.Powell GCSE. GNAR. Bsc. Msc and future PHD. suggest that Stroh is actually limiting the evolution of these individuals, and may cause devolution - as seen by EXE's large number of inferior snowboarders and freestylers.
Problems with current uses[edit]
Unfortunately, the use of Stroh in this way has led to many medical and legal complications. Stroh can lead to mild mannered individuals attempting criminal activities such as breaking and entry. They may also find themselves inexplicably attracted to taking fully clothed baths as well as being drawn to swimming pools. This may be an example of Stroh 80's devolutionary powers to regress individuals to their fish like common ancestors. Regardless of the reasons, consumption of Stroh is only advised whilst in the presence of a trained and dully armed advisor for your protection.
Finally, the excessive consumption of Stroh can lead to what is known amongst medical professionals as a strohvadose.
Quickly! Call the surgeon! We have a stage 3 strohvadose here! - Dr. Tipler, head of the World Health Association
Symptoms of a Strohvadose include:
- Inability to move
- Slurring of words
- Strange attraction to water and baths
- Consistent cries of 'I'm never drinking again'
- Inability to consume a refreshing morning beer
- Extreme, uncontrollable, virulent and contagious projectile vomiting
Those afflicted are recommended to be quarantined and supplied with hangover curing foods.
See Also[edit]
References[edit]
The Association for Responsible Stroh Drinking (2011) Mothers against Stroh (2012) A thesis on Stroh (1489) The monastic prayers of Stroh (1055) Stroh and Me - A Love Story (2008) Stroh and Me 2 - A Divorce Story (2009) Stroh and Me 3 - Stroh Took all My Money (2013) A study on alcoholic consumption on evolutionary progress (2012)