Synesthesia

“Utter bullshit if you ask me; it's not a real condition. It's a bunch of attention whores mongering for attention. Just like schizophrenics and cancer patients. You can trust me, I'm a doctor.”

~ A Real Doctor Man on Synesthesia.

Synesthesia is the name of a neurological condition which is characterized by the seeing of sounds, the hearing of tastes, the feel of smells, and the smell of feelings. In other words, it's an bass-ackwards fuck up of the human neurological system. If you don't have synesthesia, some of this will probably make no sense. That's okay, because people who have synesthesia are backwards, cannibalistic, demon-possessed Satan worshippers! You can trust us when we say that, we're doctors.

An Overview of This Case Study By Us Doctor Men

It is a proven fact, by us, doctor men, that synesthetic individuals are utterly bat fuck insane. This has led to many synesthetics believing that sounds are visual stimulus (see: things you see) and that things seen are auditory stimulus. This will lead to many synesthetics reporting, for example, that certain sounds look like colors, that they hear colors, and this makes perfect sense. However, we, doctor men, do not believe them for a second. It's just another fad, like chlamydia and AIDS.

The purpose of this case study is so that we, doctor men, can present to you, the laymen, an accurate depiction of just how unutterably ridiculous the idea that synesthesia could ever be classified as a real condition is. There are many more problems that require our attention, such as video game addiction, homosexuality and the Emo virus. Also, we're considering giving you a lobotomy, because you probably just laughed at the last sentence.

What Sounds Look Like

“Sometimes when I hear John Coltrane play trumpet, I see a purple mist escape from my eyes, into the great void of existence, to meander about and swirl in beautiful, dancing motions that bring tears to my unworthy eyes. I feel great joy and sorrow at this, and it moves me like nothing else.”

~ A Synesthetic on Seeing Sounds

Orange

This is orange, and if you have synesthesia, you probably hear this color when you see a hot chick, are doing amazingly cool things, or at a metal concert, or on acid. In short, orange is a pretty awesome color to hear.

Blue

This is blue, and if you have synesthesia, you probably hear this color when you are drowning, at a soft rock concert, or concerned about the welfare of children. In short, blue is a pussy color to hear.

Green

This is green, and if you have synesthesia, you probably hear this color when you're doing environmentalist shit, playing with money, or when you sneeze. In short, Green's kinda fucked up.

Weird Al Yankovic

This is Weird Al, and if you have synesthesia, we have no clue why you're hearing him at any time.

What Tastes Sound Like

Really, synesthesia is just a fad, like West Nile and Parkinson's Disease

“Most people hear a loud crunch when they bite into a cracker, but not me. When I shove a Triscuit into my mouth and chew, I can hear the cries of thousands of fibers dying as they are pierced by my pearly whites.”

~ A Synesthetic on Hearing the Taste of a Triscuit

Trumpets

This is a trumpet. If you have synesthesia, and you taste a trumpet, it will probably sound like a trumpet. So will the guy playing it: go aheaad, try and taste him.

French Horns

Pretty much the same as a trumpet, only with a french horn.

Clarinets

Same as trumpets and french horns, only...well, you can figure it out, I hope.

DEATH METAL

Same as trumpets and french horns and clarinets, except not many people play the death metal.

What Smells Feel Like

Seriously, guys, synesthesia is just a fad, like world hunger and Satanic murders.

“I was driving in the countryside, when suddenly it hit me: the feeling of a thousand cow pies washing over my skin. It was terrible, I had to take twenty showers to get the stench off me.”

~ A Synesthetic on Feeling Shit

Being Hit In the Face

Feels like pain.

Being Mauled by Dogs

This may not look like it, but it feels like pain.

A Nice Hug

Okay, this hurts too.

Vagina

Yeah, we made that joke.

What Feelings Smell Like

We, doctor men, have decided to classify feelings despite how illogical they are. But it's still just a fad, like Harlequin Ichythosis and depleted uranium poisoning.

“My sadness rushed over me, like a river drenching me in a cool mist. I could smell the rebirth of the Earth. No! Of my life!”

~ A Synesthetic on Depression

Bullshit

This one also explains itself.