The Art of Twangage
“Twang.”
“Twantwangtwangtwangtwangwhammytwangtwangtwang”
“....”
The Art of Twangage is a secret art of how to play any form of guitar. Throughout the ages guitarists all over the world could play, but a few have only mastered...THE ART OF TWANGAGE!
History[edit]
The Art of Twangage was discovered in 20 AD by Duaneus Eddius, a harp player, whom many considered to be a rebel rouser. He would lure unsuspecting virgins and Christians to him by playing the harp at an extremely fast pace. He would then proceed to have sex with them all (sometimes men too) but would feed the Christians to the lions.
Duaneus Eddius was then summoned by Caesar Salad, the Emperor of the Roman Empire. He demanded he be shown how to play the harp that way. Duaneus refused, and was thrown into the gladiator arena, where he defeated all gladiators, including their champion, Russell Crowe, by hypnotizing them with his harp. The gods were so impressed they made him a God...a God...of Twangage.
Duaneus Eddius then wrote a book called The Art of Twangage. It was sent to his mortal son in Rome where he too learned the twangage over the years. When the Amish sacked Rome in 666 AD, Duaneus' son escaped with his life over to the nearest country, Grease. The history from there was a blur afterwards.
Discovering of "The Art of Twangage"[edit]
During the Renaissance an Italian lute player, Mario Luigi, made an important discovery while in Constantinople, Grease. Under a church he found an ancient book which simply read, "The Art of Twangage". He hurried back to Venice and read and read and read. Over 20 years he mastered the twangage and dazzled many in Italy. Many people were surprised and cheered for Mario Luigi. It was during this time period in 1555 AD that the first band was formed: Mario Luigi and the Whops.
Sadly, during one of his performances in the Alps, Mario Luigi was assassinated by the Notorious B.I.G., an escaped African slave. He was then lynched on sight. However, The Art of the Twangage was again lost to time.
Rediscovery[edit]
During the American Revolution, Paul Revere rode into town shouting "The British are coming!" only to proceed to run into the British. This marked the beginning of a period known as the British Invasion, a time which coincided with a rediscovery of what had become a forgotten art.
He was taken prisoner by the British and held on board a British vessel, where he was locked up with the pirate Peter Gunn. At his side was the earliest form of guitar, which more or less was a long human bone with spaghetti strings. The two conversed and Peter Gunn claimed to be a "Grandmaster" of an art of guitar playing known as "the Twangage". He was terminally ill with AIDs after having sex with an infected goat. He needed a disciple, so Paul Revere was just the man.
In a short time Paul Revere could shred on that guitar just like a saw could shred through human flesh...anyway, Peter Gunn died when they reached Britain, but he gave him the secret book before he passed away. Peter Gunn's body was then thrown into Davey Jone's Locker where his dead body was raped by sharks.
Paul Revere then took Britain by storm and formed Iron Maiden. When asked his secret to his awesome guitar playing, he could simply say, "Fuck you." When he died, he passed on The Art of Twangage to his son, and his son's son, and his son's son's son, etc. The book was never lost again.
The End of the World[edit]
Over the years such bands were credited with such awesome guitar playing. Jimi Hendrix,Jimmy Page, Frank Zappa, John Petrucci, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Jean-Luc Picard, etc. Somehow The Art of Twangage reached these people. They were fed up with each other and decided to see who was the best of the best of the best.
The best guitar players in the world gathered in Atlantis and a showdown was staged. Guitar player after guitar player was defeated but the world was having a blast. Soon the final showdown came into play. The contestants were Alexi Laiho of Children of Bodom, and Herman Li of DragonForce.
The two began and their twangage was non-stop. Ghost riders were seen in the sky. Soon the earth grew violent, as their guitar playing was ripping the fabric of time. They couldn't stop however, since they really wanted that life time supply of beer and condoms. Soon Jesus Christ came with the Second Coming. He had to save the world and challenged both Alexi and Herman to a twangage duel. Still it wasn't enough.
Then the nuclear holocaust began.
Aftermath[edit]
The world slowly grew again...and guitar players around the world could not twang very well. Many years later the book was found again in the fires of Mount Doom and reproduced. The very first copy was put in a Museum for the Blind.
Where to Purchase "The Art of Twangage"[edit]
Barnes and Noble, Books-a-Million, the Black Market, Heaven, selling your soul to Satan, etc.