The Secret
The Secret is one of the most important things you could ever know or experience - valuing at about two Buddhas or 90% of Jesus. Also, it is completely made up. Only slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging lobotomy patients buy into this transparent New Age ruse.
“Without any embellishment at all, the significance of The Secret is more important than the biological urge that encourages reproduction.”
Background of The Secret[edit]
The only lucid words ever spoken by a blind and brain-damaged street urchin, The Secret was written on paper made from human skin, smuggled from orifice to orifice, chinese whispered to a wise man who lived on a mountain and who told only those that could get past the Hydra, before eventually being entombed within an ancient Atlantian crypt for millennia - only to be channeled by an unsuspecting psychic housewife in 2007(100% Verifiable).
“The part I'm uncertain about is getting past the Hydra...well, I don't think the sword will help much...Because it grows back twice as many heads you fucktard.”
“ ive got a plus 1 axe to kill the hydra, because it cannot regenerate because i have mana burn. what do you mean i have herpes?.”
The Size of The Secret[edit]
The secret is BIG. I mean, really really BIG - bigger than font can convey. Bigger than your mumma and her mumma combined.
“It isn't that big really.”
“When I heard The Secret, I was totally cool about it - I just kept eating my cheese burger.”
“It didn't fit in any holes I could find.”
Evidence of The Secret at work(100% Verifiable)[edit]
- Pretty much any really famous and/or successful person knew The Secret. Aristotle, Plato, Isaac Newton, Martin Luther King, Mao Zedong, Henry Ford, Joseph Stalin, Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, Fred Savage, etc, are all good examples of people who must have known it.
- A totally zoned out hippie heard the secret, and became Jerry Seinfeld for a while, but then forget The Secret again, and so reverted to his original form, without any time apparently passing by.
- When good luck happens to people, like winning the lottery, that's the secret too.
“Haha, good question. Let's just say I had a little help from a certain something.”
“Without knowing The Secret, I don't think development of nuclear weapons would have been possible.”
What is The Secret?[edit]
I could tell you, but let's face it, if you deserved to know it, you wouldn't even be reading this page - you'd be out manipulating human society in subtle yet massive ways (or something even cooler). Do flowers spontaneously grow in your footsteps? Can you crack open a non-twist top beer just by using an eyelid? Can you calculate Pi? You still aren't good enough to know The Secret. Go home to your mere-mortal-life-is-average existence. Loser.
“Oh God. What did we do wrong? Oh Jesus. It was probably those goddamn action figure dolls you allowed him to have. ”
The Modern Twist[edit]
Firstly, making sure we've established this, The Secret is Massive - massive like a hard-on-in-tight-pants massive. But, there is hope! The Secret, which at the moment is only known to a precious few, is available to you if you're willing to pay the ridiculously small fee for something so potent(!!!) and powerful. For £616.00 you too can share in the success of knowing The Secret. Let me put it another way - how important is gravity to you? Want to have something more important, working on your side? The time is at hand - only the first ten callers get this special offer. Call now and we'll throw in a copy of Crystal Healing - the beginners guide to Atlantian wisdom(100% proven), by the same author. Pay by credit card and received blessed salt satchels - sprinkle them around your house to make a force field to all bad energy/vibes/spirits(unable to block Karma, or voodoo).
Take advantage now!