Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (formal name: Ch. Triumph’s Honor of Whitehall) is an abrasive, cigar-chewing Montenegrin Mountain Hound. He is a TV personality, feature and political commentator, and sometime comedian.
His style is said to be a combination of that of Don Rickles (on speed), Groucho Marx (on crack and cigars), and the midget Rottweiler that he is actually thought to be (on LSD). He also is thought to resemble Robin Williams having a normal day, though with a slower delivery.
Early life[edit]
Triumph was born at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm near Podgorica. He had to be bottle-fed since his mother objected to a lit cigar presenting a burn hazard while nursing him and his littermates. His early love of cigarillos led him into meeting and joining a local street gang, the Blusz Brothers, where he became master of the art of The Dozens. His homegrown Montenegrin versions of "Yo mama" insults are still remembered today.
He recalled, "I walked to school while others rode with their heads stuck out the car window. Lucky them. While walking to school I discovered you could push mailboxes over toward the street, just enough so …" His voice trailed off as nostalgia overcame him. The cigar-loving dog graduated second in his class as there was only one other student left at graduation time.
He took great pride in making it to Podgorica State University quite early in life. It took a while before the surprised dog realized he was at Podgorica State Penitentiary, a supermax facility, despite not being a human. His reputation and sharp teeth helped him survive there. Triumph did not worry about getting raped. "If anybody tried anything, they were gonna find a guy already there with his hand up my ass. Of course, that guy was gonna be in for it, but that was his problem. Actually, it wasn’t a problem. Remember the scene in Pulp Fiction where they say "Bring out the gimp."? That’s him."
The dog further honed his insult craft, carefully making sure to only pick on the slower-moving inmates. If someone was near death after a beating, or was bleeding out, Triumph was always there to help. He would frequently show up dressed as a priest and run over and kneel next to the victim. He would then yell out, "Cleanup on aisle 4!" After carefully placed bribes and blackmail, Triumph was released after two years for good behavior.
He obtained passage to the UK by winning his airline ticket in a poker game by convincing his opponent that 5 of nothing beat 4 kings.
First appearances[edit]
The abrasive dog made his first appearance on American television as a special correspondent covering the Westminster Dog Show in English. Despite rumors of humping several contestants and kitten huffing, he was given high praise by cat owners. He would later prove the earlier rumors to be true in subsequent visits to Crufts. The legendary event moved to Birmingham, Alabama for three years to avoid Triumph.
He also picked up the job of ringside announcer for Michael Vick's dogfighting operation. Wearing the priest collar from prison days, the dog also earned small honoraria to preside over midnight burials of careless employees.
Later appearances[edit]
The mouthy canine quickly parlayed his early efforts into a tour of the US. It is estimated that he managed to personally insult 22.4% of North America, 47.3% indirectly in just 9 months. Among the groups insulted were Trekkies (expected therefore not counted toward the totals), New Jerseyites (not counted) and French-Canadians (not counted again).
The dog is a frequent party-crasher at many events and TV specials. He will often pose as an aged Lassie in a wheelchair or dress up in costume to pretend to be Underdog.[1] Triumph has humped too many celebrities to count. In 2006, he stood in for Bono for half of a U2 concert, unnoticed by the stadium crowd as everyone is a tiny dot on stage anyway.
Triumph and Sasha Baron Cohen shared the stage for a series of live benefits in Eritrea, Somalia, Sudan, and Syria. Those performances garnered a major reaction from tens of thousands, and are blamed for the current refugee crisis in the EU. Further, despite offers of jobs and housing, refugees in squalid camps have refused all offers of relocation to either Montenegro or Kazakhstan.
The uncanny canine became a political commentator during the 2016 US electoral campaign. He has since put that part of his career on hold, as the humor now just flows by itself.
When asked to explain his constant barrage of poop joke(s), Triumph sarcastically responded by pooping. "I’m a dog. What do you expect? Oscar Wilde? At least I don’t lick my balls in public like he did. I kid, I kid. I meant asshole."
Personal life[edit]
Triumph has no friends except for the bearded guy who is paid to stick his hand up Triumph’s butt. He does consider Conan O’Brien to be a tolerable acquaintance, and the two were often seen pooping together in the parking lot during Late Night show station breaks.[2]
The sharp-tongued dog has a staff of 5 that lines up by the door on days he has to travel. He bitch-slaps them while walking back and forth in front of them in a style made famous by Moe punishing the other Stooges. "I actually got it from seeing Kim Jong-un greeting his generals", said Triumph.
The canine often spent hours in front of a mirror working on his drop-the-cigar routine. Always an innovator, he no longer drops the cigar on a regular basis.
He spends his spare time insulting terminal cases in children's wards in hospitals around the country. He also manages to have time to insult their parents. And their attorneys. And bail bondsmen. And judges. And makers of orange jumpsuits and Crocs for dogs.
Triumph also teaches a popular class, "The language of Sadism", similar to his program for teaching public speaking to Marine drill instructors minus the more extreme profanity.
The crusty dog has hired Elon Musk to build a time machine so that he can insult everyone in Earth’s history in reverse alphabetic order.[3] The dog reportedly already has all the insults prepared and ready.
Honors[edit]
- Prime Minister Milo "Swinging Door" Đukanović of Montenegro awarded Triumph the National Medal for suggesting that Montenegrin officials put gyroscopes in their pockets so they can’t be pushed around.
- The Nobel Prize committee awarded the dog the prize for literature essentially for beating a basic poop joke to death.
- Triumph was the world record holder for most countries insulted in a year for six years running, until 2017.
- President Duterte of the Philippines has threatened to eat him, which is actually not so unusual over there.
- Russia has put the canine on its 10 most wanted list for his work in a Pussy Riot music video.
- The Guinness Book of Records notes Triumph having the most stank eyes given to a dog with or without a cigar.