Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/A Very Special Article

A Very Special Article

—GINA Is Not an Acronym (talk) 04:25, August 4, 2018 (UTC)

I saw this was a requested article, the muse struck, and this is what I came up with. Let me know what you think!

The first paragraph of the current revision has been irking me more or less from the start. First, I am not sure the opening pun is very good. Second, Focus on the Family seems to cater to adults interested in sensationalizing narratives, so there is some discord between the first two sentences. If anyone has only enough time to critique or suggest alternatives to two sentences, it would be stellar if you could make them the first two.—GINA Is Not an Acronym (talk) 01:57, August 7, 2018 (UTC)

Click here to do a full review Click here to do a lite review

Added 04:17, August 4, 2018 (UTC)

[[Template:Review request/{{#time: ymd|04:17, August 4, 2018 (UTC)]]

Reviewed

Introduction to your reviewer I usually start a review by saying how unqualified I am to review it. This makes me sound humble and gains me false respect. But in this case, I'll make an exception. I've written over 50 of these PR things here and have yet to be shot for doing it. So please don't shoot me. Note I'm putting some suggested changes in (). For example, "dogs(comma) cats...." would mean I'd suggest adding a comma between dogs and cats.
Concept:	8	Uncyclopedia editors are losers and don't have a real life. Like we didn't already know that. Just kidding--I think. Yes, I know it's only talking about four--five--editors, and I like the concept. I gave it an 8 instead of higher simply because Internet junkies not having a life is rather a stereotype, and Uncyclopedia editors is something of an inside joke. But that's OK; a lot of funny articles are about stereotypes and I think you do the inside jokes so an outsider will fully get it.
Prose and Formatting:	9	I'll put my comments on Humour here with the rest, but will score them separately. Title This article could have been virtually anything. But I get the "a very special (fill in the blank)" usually means it deals with controversial issues to tug at your heart strings, and it's about people who write articles, so yeah, good title-article fit. Intro I like the mature themes idea. I'm not sure if the minor/miner joke works here. I like bringing in the Focus on the Family thing. The second paragraph might work well in a different article, but I'd prefer something here that better fits this article. Personally, I'd keep the mature audience and FotF, but maybe make the intro more like what you'd see in an advert for one of those 1980s "A Very Special (fill in the blank)" programs. Something "heart-tugging" but a little corny, maybe with some subtle salacious hints of what's to come. I'd suggest making the intro as "sincere" as the rest of the article. The Editors I'd replace the "completely unremarkable" with something less obviously intended for comedy, such as "ordinary people." I do like "...except for the myriad dramatic incidents that pervade every waking moment of their dismal lives." Timmy Like the first "cemetery" edit. You might fix the capitalization "Look, d(D)addy! I fixed it!" "Then(comma) in a pathetic attempt at ventriloquism(comma) Timmy manipulated..." I like the bear thing, especially the cologne. I like the Aunt part, especially how you use covering euphemisms and then WHAM hit us with wild sex. I actually laughed at that more the second time I read it than the first. "Timmy's surrogate father...." I love this sentence. And after Timmy injected the heroin into his veins(comma) he became addicted." Alice "...a small closet with a broken light bulb...." I don't know why, but the first time I read that I thought Alice was holding the broken light bulb. Just my weird brain. A minor suggestion, but I think substituting "each day" for both uses of "the day" would give more of a feeling of her routine. I really like the ironic twist on a smart girl and abstinence-only education. I've worked in schools including tutoring junior and senior high school students, but don't get me started or I'll go into another of my "Be Prepared" rants. "But against all odds(comma) Alice's night of awkward sex...." Really like the mean-boy quotes; Snapchat I wasn't expecting--like it. Phylicia "...her mealtime activity(comma) Phylicia...." I like you having Phylicia third in the list--in general, I think the order you use for the four editors works well. TJ But(comma) time and time again(comma) he found...." Actually, I'm not sure if adding commas here would help at all; decide as you will, of course. I love the Phylicia/Madison surprise. "Apparently TJ found all this to be overwhelming." "Unfortunately(comma, or maybe use "Tragically," instead) his friends ignored the warning signs...." "...receipt for a one-way ticket to Ohio." Here you pull off the rare stunt of hitting the reader with a complete surprise that is actually quite believable. T.J.'s Funeral I'd make it consistently "TJ" or "T.J." The friends thought TJ committed suicide, he didn't, so they'll have a funeral anyway. I don't know why this works, but it does. Another surprise I like. "Timmy put TJ's hat...." great sentence. "...lying vicariously in that casket..." good. Timmy heroin reformation that isn't actually a reformation I like. "I too have reconsidered my life choices...." What a commentary on twisted religious morality. "Madison said...." This section is twistedly true. In Texas, where I am right now, age of consent is 17. But if a 17-year-old takes an explicit nude photo of herself, and then shares it, she can get up to 20 years in prison for promotion of child pornography and be a registered sex offender for the rest of her life. Have you been reading my blog? In any case, if she shows them to someone else, it could be promotion of child pornography, which is a worse offense than possession. "I think we might be forgetting..." and following sentences. I like this section; heroin, irresponsible sex, sending illegal photos not as bad as editing. A suggested very slight rewording: "Then they all had a good laugh and gave each other a group high five(period) to indicate to the reader that a{A)lthough tragedy had befallen each of them, everything was going to be okay. Epilogue I'm not sure why, but for some reason this reminds of the epilogue of Mazes and Monsters. I like this section, especially "moving to Ohio" and "might love to see your naked selfies." I do suggest making the 1-800 number all inclusive, something like, "If you are struggling with any of these problems, please call...." or maybe list things it can help with. Anything posthumously approved by Nancy Reagan has to be good. Categories I'd add one or more sex categories.
Humo(u)r:	8	Humour comments under Prose section.
Images:	8	Obviously, there's no images, so I can't give a real rating here. I have mixed feelings on them--putting images of real people with imaginary problems can involve real-life legal issues.
Miscellaneous:	6.75	Average of the above minus 1.5. I artificially lowered this score for reasons explained below.
Final Score:	39.75	I like this article very much; most of my comments are nitpicky. The only significant weak spot to me is your introduction. I consider 40 to mean I want to nominate it for feature, so I artificially lowered your score to encourage you to make improvements. Please let me know when and if you edit this.
Reviewer:	King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  21:46, August 11, 2018 (UTC)