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A typical velvet condom.

Velvet is a type of fabric with tiny fibers on its surface which give it a distinctive smooth texture. Woven on a special loom, velvet requires hours of determination to weave and cut. As the favorite fabric of Goths and Wiccans, it exemplifies all that is OoOoh, spooky. Velvet is the preferred fabric for capes, cloaks, hoods, mortician coats, and occasionally prophylactic barriers. It is a bitch to clean.

Velvet History[edit]

Black Velvet Whiskey

The Velvet Road[edit]

Stretching from Sri Lanka to Poland (also known as HΩT TΩΠIK), the Velvet Road was a trade route for alcohol. For many millennia, merchants as well as thieves traveled on this road, sold fine liquors, and stole from the drunkards. In 1308, Marco Polo began his expedition down the Velvet Road in search of the ultimate cowboy picker-upper, Black Velvet. Along the way, he documented many of the cultures, and their traditions and drinks. Unfortunately, historians are unable to decipher his handwriting. He was drunk off his ass the entire time.

During a rendezvous, Marco Polo and the Prince of Persia were able to build a machine that would be able to cure hangovers. Unfortunately, what they had created was a loom that took fabric, tufted it in dense areas, and cut it finely to produce a material similar to the fur of a pikachu. They named this new material "velvet", after the fine liquor sought by so many tradesmen.

Velvet War of 1313[edit]

Popularity of this new material peaked as it traveled to Poland, home of the Goths, as it was a wonderful material for their capes and cloaks, which provided the OoOoh spooky they were looking for. The Goths began to build their own "no-hangover-machine" in order to create more of the material they love. Marco Polo and the Prince of Persia never had patent rights to the loom, so they couldn't sue. Tempers flared.

By 1313, the war between the Persian Empire and Poland began. After 3 months of bloodshed (which mostly took place in Luxombourg), the Persian Empire raised its white flags. To this day, the number 13 is considered lucky to the Goths. They also have patent-rights.

Velvet Today[edit]

An image from PETA's 2000 Save a Pikachu anti-Pikachu-poaching campaign

Velvet Hoax[edit]

In 1999, Hot Topic began to sell velvet to the masses. As the chain of stores was selling cheaper crushed velvet than their competitors, customers flocked to them. At this same time, massive amounts of Pikachu began to disappear from the wild. Through an investigative report by an unknown journalist, Hot Topic was discovered to have organized a mass Pikachu-poaching scheme. It was revealed that the velvet cloaks they were selling were not made of velvet at all, but of Pikachu skin. Revolted by the revelations, the general public boycotted Hot Topic; however, due to the Yogi Berra paradox[1], Hot Topic actually experienced a sales boost. Millions of the little yellow rodents were slaughtered, and the species came close to extinction.

Satan and Velvet[edit]

Velvet is now often used as an altar-cloth for many Black Masses, as it is Satan-Approved!™; it is also the preferred cloth for pig, baby, and virgin sacrifices. According to a noted expert on occult practices, black velvet accessorizes with black candles very well. Wiccans, being the attention whores they are, have also adopted the use of velvet in their ceremonies.

How to Clean Velvet[edit]

You don't.


  1. "No one goes there any more. It's too crowded." — Yogi Berra

See also[edit]