Montana
| State flower: | Satellite dish |
|---|---|
| Official language: | Redneck, English, Canadian, Sioux, Drunk |
| Governor: | Bigfoot |
| State bird: | Hairless eagle |
| State motto: | Get the fuck outta my state |
| Nickname: | America's Wood Pointer |
| State anthem: | Montana (F. Zappa) |
| Standard MPH while driving through town: | ∞ 60 MPH |
Montana is a state in the Mountain West region of the United States. Nicknamed "The Least Best Place", it is the fourth-largest state by area, the seventh-least populous state, and the third-least densely populated state. The western half of Montana contains the Rocky Mountains, while the eastern half is characterized by Great Plains prairie terrain and badlands (no relation to Ray Gillen's 1980s rock band).
Scots and Kiwis like Montana a lot, but unlike Scotland and New Zealand, Montana is extremely unlikely to acquire a coastline, no matter what happens with global warming. Contrary to the claims made by countless fugly bumper stickers and belt buckles, the sky in Montana is no bigger than the sky over any other state.
History[edit]
Montana was named for child star Hannah Montana, who purchased it from the Cleveland Indians for $1 in 1889. Prior to that, the state had been owned by the Great Northern and Northern Pacific Railroads, the Anaconda Copper Company, the Minnesota Twins, and the Minnesota Vikings. The railroads merged to form Burlington Northern, then Burlington Northern Santa Fe, and now "Bin Nothin' Since San Francisco."
In the early 1970s, entrepreneur Frank Zappa planned to establish a dental floss plantation in Eastern Montana using inexpensive farmhands obtained by moving the entire state to the South. The plan never reached fruition; adequate wax supplies were not available since Montana has relatively few oil reserves, and the public was simply not ready for a dental floss product coated in wax made of copper, chaff, or cattle and sheep byproducts. Zappa wound up farming dental floss in upstate New York, where the plots of land are suitably long and narrow.
Montana has hosted a group of crazy rifle-toting rednecks styled as the "Enslaved and Rejected Brickmasons" who tried to establish an independent Republican utopia on desert-like land near the town of Jordan. David Koresh considered relocating to Montana, but found it, "like, too crazy, man." He and his sect stayed in Texas. However, Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who would have founded Scientology if L. Ron Hubbard hadn't thought of it first, found Montana quite to her liking.
Politics[edit]
The capital of Montana is Helena (pronounced "Hell On Earth"), except that, for college students, the principal city is Missoula and all the capital is inside the cash register in one of that city's taverns.
For much of its history, Montana had no speed limit. This, combined with no statewide open container law and very long, empty two-lane highways, saw drunk drivers often speeding over great distances at triple-digit speeds in Ford F150 pickups, especially over black ice in Winter, shooting rifles into the air and shooting, "Charlton Heston is MY President." Montana is fundamentally a place where "men are men, women are scarce, and sheep are nervous because the women are scarce." (Honest, I was only trying to push her through the fence.) Both phenomena go far to explain Montana's perpetually low population. Currently, Montana still has no speed limit, if one's brakes should fail at any time during one's first hour on Interstate 90 after entering from the Washington state line. The penalty is arriving in Missoula, which serves to brake one's descent.
Montana culture took a hairpin left turn, however, as celebrities such as Ted Turner and Tom Brokaw started buying ranches for vacation hideaways and gentleman-farming. Gentlemen are hard to farm in Montana because of lack of quality seed and fertilizer. The new Montanans are somehow not amused by rednecks driving drunk at high speeds while discharging rifles. The locals, for their part, are equally unhappy at the arrival of liberals. One often hears a Montana ask rhetorically, "What'll be next, gay marriage?"
Education[edit]
Even though Montana claims to have high school graduates, the average graduate has only a third-grade reading level and cannot formulate a three-syllable word. To do so would offend any native Montanan.
Sex education fully meets Arkansas standards, as every course includes a list of "do's and don'ts" with your sister or cousin. Also there is course that is state mandatory on how to spread STDs while blaming it on your sister or best friend.
Most Montanans claim the reason for the Fourth of July is to party. They know nothing of our forefathers becase history is optional. Many school districts mark children present each day and give them social promotions at the end of every school year. This assures continued state funding despite the lack of measurable results.
Who lives in Montana?[edit]
Montana has a population of 1,042,520 and a population density of 2 people per square mile. For better or worse, the population will reach the two-million mark sometime in the current century, provided it stops decreasing. For comparison, the population density of cattle in Montana is 500/square mile and of sheep, 234/square mile.
Some notable residents include:
- David Letterman has a ranch where he comes every once in a while to shag fellow employees and/or plot to let his child be kidnapped.
- The Unabomber was born and raised in the wilderness. He is the pride and joy of Montana.
- Margot Kidder lives in Livingston and will spend the rest of her days picking berries and talking to cats.
- Steven Segal owns a ranch near Ennis, where he plots to kill Chuck Norris and take over his jokes.
- Ted Turner and his left-wing wife Jane Fonda sometimes visit Montana, because they can do the "Injun Chop" without fear of being criticized for politically incorrectness.
- Elizabeth Cliar Prophet where the cult followers never did see the end of world so they left. The remainder of the cult Church Universal Triumphant (C.U.T.) is betting on 2012 as a safe bet.
Notable people from Montana[edit]
Traditionally, the only notable Montanan was Evel Knievel. He was born in Butte, where at the age of twelve, he jumped over the Berkeley Pit on a homemade bicycle-built-for-two. The Berkeley Pit is a giant hole full of toxic waste. It is America's largest Superfund site. It is also a big source of local pride, as well as the source of the city's nickname: America's Butte-Hole.
Another Montanan who has recently risen to national prominence is Congressman Greg Gianforte. One day before a special election in 2017, he responded to being trolled by a reporter for The Guardian by body-slamming him and putting him in a Figure-Four Leg-Lock. Montanans gave Gianforte the at-large seat in Congress by acclamation and hoped he would "take out" Speaker Ryan next.
See also[edit]
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