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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, April 13, 2021, 10:29:59 (UTC)

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Pharaoh Philip dies of old age
LONDON -- Crowds cried, dogs barked, and petrol bombs were thrown in Belfast as one of Britain's greatest leaders, Pharaoh Philip, died at his Windsor temple.

An adopted son of Great Britain, Philip was just a couple of months short of his century when death bowled him a googly and claimed his mortal wicket. Full story»

Toast seen in face of Jesus
TORONTO -- Most of us have seen the face of Ronald McDonald in the randomly distributed rocks of the Martian surface, the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich or the Mona Lisa in yo' Mama’s pubic hair.

Now, scientists at the University of Toronto have shown that this Pareidolia effect works two ways. Full story»

White House devil dogs run amok
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden's two "hounds from hell", Champ and Major, are spreading fear in the White House.

The dogs are busy chasing and terrifying Biden's staff by biting people judged to be "less than on-message" and relieving themselves in an area of the West Wing carpet reserved for visiting members of Congress. Full story»

Egyptian economy crashes as Moses blocks the Red Sea
THEBES, Egypt -- The Egyptian economy has crashed after shipping was blocked from using the Red Sea by Moses. Ships are currently lying idle on either side of a barrier created by Moses using his staff and illegal Jewish aliens.

This latest blow followed a recent spate of plagues which had seen the country covered in frogs, locusts and lice. Full story»

Markle begs royals to spare her head
LONDON -- Queen Meghan Markle of England, currently chained up in the Tower of London, has complained to the media about her treatment at the hands of King Harry VIII.

Though Queen Meghan officially supplied an heir to the throne with Prince Archibald, royal insiders say Queen Meghan wasn't the mother of the child, as it was neither black nor foreign-looking. Full story»

Neanderthals blast Biden slur
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joe Biden is in trouble with the Neanderthal community after he compared them to Republicans.

Angry Neanderthals appeared on Fox News, saying that they are far more evolved than Republicans and that it was an insultto compare them to Eric Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Full story»

Trump resurrected at CPAC
ORLANDO, Florida -- Republicans at this year's un-Woke CPAC (Conservative Political Anti-Antifa Conference) took up the "cancel culture" that declares that certain people are not welcome.

Day 1 of the conference will illustrate by example, on Sen. Mitt Romney and Rep. Liz Cheney. Full story»

Martians opposed to latest invasion from Earth
MARS, Solar System -- Angry Martians are demanding their government stop letting Earth dump its latest technology on their planet's surface.

The landing of self-driving golf buggy Perseverance made Martians feel like second-class Solar System citizens. Full story»

US carpool to emulate Texas
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government will convert to an all-electric motor pool, just as windmills froze in a Texas cold snap and the state adopted California's "rolling black-outs."

One expert described the new fleet as "tall, boxy with low clearance. Those should do wonderful in the snow and ice," making them perfect for winter mail delivery. Full story»

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TV Highlights April 13

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program