UnSignpost:UnSignpost/20140218
Uncyclopedia is the first website to spot an actual alien invasion
- By ScottPat
Uncyclopedian Aleister has warned Uncyclopedia of possible Martian fossil attacks waiting to happen. Al and his gang of expert paleontologists at Above Top Secret have noticed several fossilised Spoke creatures on the surface of Mars on pictures taken by Curiosity, the NASA Mars rover. The "fossils" appears to be deceased or zombie-like organisms that once lived on the Martian surface.
"This seems to me to be a trap set out by Martians to try to attract the Mars Rover. I have theorised that if the Mars Rover was to approach the fossil then the fake fossil created out of plastic by the Martians will disintegrate revealing a giant death targeted at the major government headquarters of the World," Aleister was not quoted as saying.
Uncyclopedia is the second website for this recent discovery to go public on. "This probably says three things about the discovery: A. that NASA haven't looked into it yet and B. that it is a hoax, or C. Aleister is a lying son-of-a-gun" commented Spike. Aleister did not inform our journalist that NASA will be looking into it as soon as they have stopped begging the US Congress for another 100 million pounds to put into excavating cheese from the Moon.
The trap could be a clue to the age old question of how the Martians will invade planet Earth. After the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, this question jumped back up into top spot for "Most important question scientists need to answer" and both NASA and CERN are smashing particles together and flying space rockets around in an attempt to provide a quick answer to the question.
This may be one small picture of a rock but it could be one giant leap for our website. Jimbo Wales has already promised a salary increase for Uncyclopedians if the discovery turns out to be life. Even if we are invaded by Martians and all sold to Saturnians as slaves at least we will be at ease knowing that we get paid for predicting the invasion.
A delicate matter of cutlery
- By ScottPat
'Twas pointed out recently by Uncyclopedians on a forum aptly titled Can we stop using the word fork now? that some extremist groups in the Uncyclopedia community were attempting to ban a term associated with kitchenware. The word in question, "fork" has been described by our own Uncyclopedia article as wedded to a spoon and father to the bastard "spork" and the extremist group's leader Aleister attempted to have the word banned on the account of the fact that too much vandalism and hatred had been caused last year by a certain fork, as it had punched holes in some of our articles. ScottPat, another extremist, then attempted to point out the fact that firstly banning the word would be censorship and bad news for chefs and secondly that soup spoons were just as, if not more potent a threat as forks to our beloved website. This was followed up by Anton's compromise proposal was to replace the word "fork" with a swearword (which we are unable to print thanks to some fucked-up Political Correctness policies). It later turned out that Anton hadn't realised that the word he used was a swearword as the term is widely used in Russia, where he comes from, to replace each pause between clauses.
The debate continued with a slippery sloped argument from ScottPat, who hinted that the website was forcing him to rename certain parts of his cutlery collection, a move he was not willing to be pushed into (or poked into). Then Anton went a step further saying that the word fork was such an intergral part of our website (afterall both Spike's and Cat the Colourful's talk pages were full of the word) that banning it would mean banning Uncyclopedia, which would be a let down to the thousands of academic institutions out there relying on us as a source of up-to-date knowledge.
The forum ended with some footnotes, one about deadly incidents involving exponentially curved spoons, one about a song or two and one about the Confederate Rebellion that is occuring on Uncyclopedia. UnSignpost would like to advise its readers (if they exist) that the matter has been left unresolved and the sanctions imposed on any Uncyclopedian caught using the word are as yet unknown. So far people have stuck to eating pasta with a spoon as they wait for further developments.
OMGwhatHaveIdone
I am a doer. I like to do things. I like to see good fruits of my labors bear great things. Like bannana appricoit avoacdo monsonto trees yum yum delish good. Like a well told joke read online or some pronografic humors like.. Can I plug the websites I read? Meh, DO you really think you can laugh at cumsprites? It is an aquired sense of humour.
If you wish to laugh at this user then this user will cry and begin to suck his thumbs in a very non adult like manner bessetting the most embarrising actis no responsible civilised individuals will be pleased to wittness :( Like brown paper towels in a public restroom stall. Toilet seat. Or meatlaof next to scurrying roaches. Or your moms other delightful whitebread trailer trash dug out home cooked dishes. You dont mind if I speak about my ex girl friends right?
Anyways. Their are many facets to this user. Abondonment issues, Mommy issues, daddy issues, ex wife issues, Issuey issues for which their are no tissues to misuse with lotions. Wait... ex wife issue there. Neverminds. Let us rewind
My name comes on the heels of some penalty strokes I have incurred in other places. So I endevor to be bold differently here while trying to remember how to do "code" properly. The coding is like the grammar on the penalties seem to be more severe or something... IDK. As I have written above I do collect dictionaries but that in no way should in fer that I do anything but read them. I don't nessesarily retain the proper spelling. Or if I do it may be from an 1935 version of english oxford.. Who knows? MY COPYRIGHT DATES DO! Allegedly.
And now to share with you a public sirvice announbcement
When you find a stray needle in a yard, throw it away carfully. Dont even check the needle cap just dispose of it carfully. Thank you.
And now back to the biopic.
DIving into this thing deeper I thought I OMGwhatHaveIdone was good for both the upper and lower case letters used as well and the metaphorical sense of diving off a cliff into a fantastic adventure.. My last advenmture sucked. The damn canadians wouldn't let me into canada and the broke my shit. I know they got second hand scraps syndrome being our lesser northern bitch but that in no way entitles those square heads to destroy my property.
Speaking if square heads their is a hillarous / serious/ informitive website I love called racial slur database. It may or maynot be up right now. It gets attacked sometimes. But it has a varitey of sugestions and immitator sites now. Good stuff though if one needs a suggestions for a joke. Craigslist is also good for jokes, just try to get a date using that thing, HA! no don't really follow that advice, it really is less than optimal. As in really REALLY less than, ... ITS bAD DONT do IT> Fair warning and imforming.
I feel some things here could use fair warning and informing tags./
Like the sara silverman Mermaid pee under the see joke.
That needed a warnign.
Meh.
Words are awesome and with them intimate commumnermications can be convayed in a variatiy of verbose ways.
Exta pictures and video is good to but for begining talkers this will be just fine. I hope. I think Well if nothing else I didn't force you to read this writing so you gotta look at yourself for continuing to read on, and with that I appreciate your time and attentions. And if you laughed at me then I will find you...on the same day I am granted My supper immortal xman super power. .. So yeah whatch out for that day.
The Second Great Persecution of In-Jokes
- By an anonymous author who decided to remain objective
December 2013 AD
The first seeds are planted. The so-called Un-Encyclopaedia community notices that the Top 10 of the Year process is restarted but in a strange way. It starts earlier than it always did and ends one month before than it is supposed to end. Some participants also notice that the top articles have been determined without any votes from Uncyclopaedians. Worse, all in all thirteen articles have been chosen and the visitors to the site were astonished to see that there have been no in-jokes in the list!
Everyone remembered the glorious story of Suddenly, Raccoons as well as that of Fuck ChiefjusticeDS. Some even said that this was a fake Top 10 award.
Since the start of Uncyclopedia and its community, the in-jokes have been its soul. They were the lowest classes of articles, they could not be given much power, for Uncyclopedia's government not to become "mob rule", but they have always been the part of the site and the part of its editors. They were constantly watching the events, standing behind some of them, so the administrators could never forget that they, in-jokes, were always there.
And now they were simply gone!
February 2014 AD
After the bloody events of 2013, nobody doubted that in-jokes could never get exterminated. But nobody was wrong, as always. Men never learn from their history and that's why the Second Battle between In-Jokers (they call themselves "Sophia's Witnesses") and Warriors in Black Suits (they didn't name themselves and fought with their suits on) took place. Moreover, it happened on the same market place, where the First one did - VFD. Some interpret this name as "Votes for Death" and that day this interpretation proved itself the closest one to the truth.
Many in-jokes were nommed that day (nomination is an old way of executing the article that disobeys Uncyclopedia's Death Policy). In-jokers voted for in-jokes, but an independent investigation was conducted and it was revealed to public that all the votes for in-jokes did not have a time stamp and all the ones against them did.
The battle ended with millions of innocent men, women and children lying, all coloured in red, under the Sun, which that day shone only for the Warriors of Death, after hundreds of successful nominations.
Who was responsible for the Great Persecution? Who ordered it? Who lead it to its grim end?
Several administrators of Uncyclopedia were heard saying: "The Cabal does not exist", when asked the above question. This was the only answer we could get out of them.
By the way, the readers are welcome to read an even more serious and objective account of these events at UnSignpost:Article/Suddenly, In-Jokes!
Top nominations and features
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VFH Highlight of the week
Everything you wanted to know about the UnSignpost editors but were afraid to ask
Interview with Anton199 lead by ScottPat
- I cannot stand on my head only, but I can manage a position where my head will be the only part of my body that touches the floor (or the ground). While I am in that position, some very interesting thoughts can come to me. And if at that moment, there is a problem or a question which need to be solved, it will be a bit for me easier to solve them in that position. So you can say that I am doing something useful. Anton (talk) 19:57, January 20, 2014 (UTC)
- I will be as discreet about the July Coup as possible for personal reasons. The only thing I can say is that people very seldomly learn from their history or learn their history. That's why old methods are often still effective.
- What concerns being a journalist, it is a hard job, even on Uncyclopedia. An UnSignpost journalist should be serious enough to admit that what he is writing is actual news and at the same time not serious at all to be able to deny what he has previously admitted; he should carry his duty with dignity and ignore a not very honourable name of his establishment; he should make people trust him and lead them to false conclusions but in such a way that they will know that these conclusions are false... The entire mission of the UnSignpost is to be as funny as possible while objectively delivering controversy.
- However, your opinion may be different from mine, so you don't have to agree with everything here. Anton (talk) 19:59, January 21, 2014 (UTC)
- It is relevant. The amount of chickens that often cross the road is infinite. However, not many people noticed that the road was infinite as well, as chicken jokes end by chicken arriving somewhere but not entering the place. So I think this implies that they do not stop moving towards some goal which seems very far away and which they never reach. But their real goal is movement, which they can achieve by progressing towards it. So I would say that it would take three chickens to do it. Anton (talk) 20:57, January 22, 2014 (UTC)
- Are you therefore going against the well-established Ainslie Theory that states that "just because a road is infinite in length doesn't mean that it is infinite in width" and therefore that a chicken would cross a road width ways to reach a goal, a finite distance away? Sir ScottPat (talk)
VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 21:10, January 22, 2014 (UTC)
- Are you therefore going against the well-established Ainslie Theory that states that "just because a road is infinite in length doesn't mean that it is infinite in width" and therefore that a chicken would cross a road width ways to reach a goal, a finite distance away? Sir ScottPat (talk)
- We were talking about different roads there. But it's three chickens anyway. Anton (talk) 17:09, January 23, 2014 (UTC)
- No, it's three chickens. Anton (talk) 17:52, January 23, 2014 (UTC)
- Almost. Anton (talk) 18:18, January 23, 2014 (UTC)
Please note that the most important bits from the beginning of the interview as well as from its end (about Chicken Run and philosophy) got left out due to the UnSignpost adopting a new marketing technique! You can consult the entire interview here!
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