Windows 3.1
- Due to technical reasons, the article is named thus, the correct name would be WINDOW~3.1 (too long file name error)
“Still better than Windows ME.”
“I'm telling you, Windows 3.1 is just DOS in disguise!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
“Objection!”
“Windows 3.1 is stupid!”
“Pssst...wanna buy a counterfeit windows copy. Here are the 11 disks you need and 2 extra disks for printer support. And here's is some drivers for your motherboard and graphics card. If you wanna keep you computer safe from bugs keep it inside and cover it. That will be $4.”
Windows 3.1™, also known as WINDOW~3.1. was an attempt by quadruple-glass window manufacturers to get consumers to buy more Windows by brainwashing them. They claimed that when new holographic imaging systems came onto the market, only their kind of windows would be compatible. This, however, was untrue, as holographic imaging systems are the sole property of Starfleet and would not be coming into the market until the year 2095. The end result was a powerful, but lightweight operating system that at its peak achieved a 90% market share.
Features[edit]
It is terribly difficult to identify the features of Windows 3.1 as it has so many design flaws. It is also difficult to identify the design flaws because there are so many superficial design flaws that they crowd out the fundamental design flaws. According to Microsoft, the fundamental design flaws are listed by Microsoft Developers as being in the basic engine/core/kernel of Windows 3.1, and the superficial design flaws are found in the Accessories folder - demonstrating Microsoft's Help systems to be as unhelpful as ever. The accessories include Paintbrush, Notepad, Solitaire, Calculator, Minesweeper, Windows Tutorial (which teaches you how to use a mouse), your mom, and Hello World.
Windows 3.1 is notable for its low system requirements. It is capable on running on anything from a 16-bit 8086 to a 64-bit quad-core system.
Additionally, Windows 3.1 was shipped with that new-fangled creation called "Fonts 2.0". Not only did this break Microsoft's reliance on Adobe for fonts, after the 3.11 upgrade those fonts became legible, ushering in a new era in desktop publishing.
In order to capture the Central and Eastern European markets, Microsoft went so far as to issue yet another version of Windows 3.1 called Windows 3.1 for Central and Eastern Europe. As you might have guessed, this operating system came with all red fonts, to please the ultra-nationalistic-red commie palate. While this offering allowed Microsoft to initially dominate the communist market, they would later lose much of it to Linux, an operating system designed by, for, and around communists.
Security[edit]
Due to the popularity of other operating systems, such as Windows Vista and Mac OS X, malware developers no longer target Windows 3.1, making the operating system almost immune to most viruses, spyware, and rootkits although Microsoft has cooperated with the government to add a piece of spy code in their os. In addition, the TCP/IP stack is not integrated into the system kernel, reducing the number of security holes in the system. Windows 3.1 is one of few Microsoft operating systems that is not bundled with Internet Explorer, further reducing vulnerabilities significantly.
The first beta versions of Windows 3.1 were equipped with all the drivers necessary to fully support 128 GB cable connections, 1024 TB-sized drives, undecipherable encryption algorithms, wireless networking with satellite capabilities, and a full set of professional-level software. They also included quantum copyright tags to prevent illegal copying of the diskettes. This caused any computer present at the time run too slowly, so the features were dropped in the final release. It's widely suspected that computers running the original beta are used as central hubs in the Internet.
Microsoft later released Windows 3.2, which is based on Windows 3.1 for Central and Eastern Europe and was targeted to the Chinese market in order to compete against Linux. This version included Chinese language support, Freecell, extra security updates, and several versions of Mahjong.
The upgrade from Windows 1.0[edit]
Nothing much different. Bill Gates hired some children instead of monkeys. And the Blue Screen of Death was brought to a whole new level with some words on it such as "too bad" and "your computer is out of RAM and therefore Minesweeper is unavailable." Also, this version introduced the highly debated wmiprvse.exe application, which constantly runs in the background greatly "enhancing" the user experience.
Although Bill Gates was a genius with numbers, Windows version 2.0 went unnoticed, and 3.0 had some critical flaws and only existed in beta, so the new operating system was named Windows "3.1", not only to make the naming process much more confusing but to make Microsoft's reputation turn into the wackiest company in America, a reputation which it still holds proudly today.
Requirements and Installation[edit]
- This section was written by Strong Bad, and may be of questionable accuracy.
Well, first off, you're gonna need lots more RAM. Lots more frekkin' RAM. It doesn't matter how much frekkin' RAM your computer has, you're gonna need more because Windows is greedy.
You will also need a large hard drive because Windows needs storage space to install all the programs that you will never use. The best part of this experience is that these applications can't be uninstalled. Also Windows will make extra copies of it self and other programs to keep them safe, in particular it will overwrite other useless files such a pictures of your grandmother or your term paper. Windows just keeps sucking free hard drive space the more you use the operating system that you will eventually need to be a new hard drive in just a few months. If that isn't enough, installing required weekly security updates will eat up the remainder of free space.
So you're gonna need such a big hard drive and so much frekkin' RAM that you're gonna be afraid that your computer is going to explode when you turn it on. When you turn it on however, don't be alarmed. It's not going to explode or do anything near that exciting.
The first thing that's gonna happen is a buncha text is gonna appear on your screen saying things like "Non-system disk or disk error." I'd suggest going out to lunch or doing something else fun away from your computer at this point. If the same text is still there when you return as when you left, you could have problems.
The next thing you're going to need to do is to buy a mouse. Just go to your local pet store and pick one out. I'd suggest reading the Murphy's Laws of DOS chapter on "The Care and Feeding of your Mouse." Mouses (they aren't called mice, they're called mouses in the PC world, moron) are like your best friend. You can pretty much throw your keyboard away at this point because you won't need it anymore once you get your new quadruple-glass Windows running in order to play Minesweeper.
They take like 50 frekkin' megs of RAM (wow isn't that an incredibly huge amount?) but those quadruple glass windows with the little Xs on them are like the most windows in Starfleet, man.
Windows 3.1 is also good for watching porn in hd !
Windows 3.1.4159[edit]
This version of Windows appears after the user had updated Windows 159 times. The source code had been reproduced at below:
/************************************************************************************\
* Windows 3.1.4159 build OSFX
*
* Copyright (C) 1985-1992 Micro$oft Inc. All rights reserved.
*
* This program is not free software; you cannot do anything with it.
*
* This program is programmed to be NOT USEFUL, as the UNG Unique Private License
* said. See the UNG Unique Private License for details.
*
* You should have not received a copy of the UNG Unique Private License
* along with this program. If you do, burn it using the super burner included in
* the Windows 3.1.4159 package or get one for free (shipping fee is not included)
* at <http://www.microsoft.com/superlicenseburner/free.aspxbc>
\**********************************************************************************/
#include <system/system.h>
///////////////////////////////////////
// include 16bit/32bit system class
#ifndef __WIN32__
#include <system/system16.h>
#else
#include <system/system32.h>
#endif /* __WIN32__ */
///////////////////////////////////////
#include <system/crash.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <iostream>
#include <math.h>
#include <gov.h>
#ifndef BOOL
typedef BOOL int;
#endif /* BOOL */
/******************************Public*Routine******************************\
* BOOL IsVaildCrashCode (int, System *)
*
* Check if input is a vaild crash code.
*
* Returns 1 if input is a vaild crash code, and 0 if not.
*
* History:
* - Feb. 92 - This part is fixed by the new guy, Kevin David Mitnick.
* - Dec. 91 - 18% is finished. Bill gates found a new guy to fix it.
* - Aug. 91 - 12% of this part is finished.
* - May. 91 - 5% of this part is finished.
* - Feb. 91 - Two million people started on fixing this part.
* - Jan. 91 - This part is deleted by Bill Gates' son.
* - Feb. XX - This part is added by Darth Vader.
* - Jun. 8 - This part is added by George W. Bush.
\**************************************************************************/
BOOL IsVaildCrashCode(int input, System *system)
{
if(input == 0)
{
printf("Divide by zero error");
return 0;
}
if(system == NULL)
{
return 0;
}
int tmp = input*input/input;
if(system->IsVaildCrashCode(tmp)) // check if tmp is a vaild crash code
return 1;
return 0;
}
int main()
{
int s = 0;
// the System class 4159 is extremely easy to use
// it has almost any feature we need to program an OS like windows
System system = System::CreateAWindowsSystem(SYS_LOGO_UNKNOWN, TYPE_PC, (unsigned __int128)(3.14159));
system.Init();
system.PrintSystemVersion();
srand((unsigned )atoi(system.ConvertToSeconds(system.GetMilliSecondsPassedSince1970(system.GetCurrentTimeInDatetimeFormat())).ToString()));
// Here we make use of gov.h to collect data about the user and send it to the government
GovernmentConnection govConn(GovernmentConnection::GetGovernmentID("United States of America"), "George w. Bush");
try
{
Government *gov = NULL;
gov = govConn.Connect(true, true, "Micro$oft Windows 3.14159", ENCRYPTION_AES);
if (gov != NULL)
{
system.OpenDataPipe(SYS_MODULE_FILE_SYSTEM);
HANDLE hFileSystem = NULL;
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_FILE_SYSTEM, (unsigned __int204800) FS_REQUEST_READ_ACCESS);
system.RecvInfoFromModule(SYS_MODULE_FILE_SYSTEM, (unsigned __int204800 *) &hFileSystem);
if(hFileSystem)
{
SpyData *data = GovernmentUtils::CollectData(hFileSystem);
gov.SendDataEncrypted("SpyData", data, sizeof(data));
}
else
{
gov.SendDataEncrypted("Plain_Text", "Unable to collect user data.", 30);
}
system.CloseDataPipe(SYS_MODULE_FILE_SYSTEM);
gov.Flush();
gov.Close();
}
}
catch (Exception &ex)
{
printf("Damn...");
}
if (system.IsWindowsInSession() == 1)
{
do
{
printf("Where do you want to go today:");
printf("1) BSOD");
printf("2) No restart");
printf("3) Exit without warning");
scanf("%d",&s);
} while(IsVaildCrashCode(s,&system));
// preparing to crash
try
{
SystemModuleInfo info;
memset(&info, 0, sizeof(SystemModuleInfo)); // clear the SystemModuleInfo structure
// load crash module
system.LodeModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800)(&((unsigned int)s)));
system.InitModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800)(&((unsigned int)*(&info))));
BOOL eof = 0;
while(!eof)
{
eof = system.PrintAByteFromModuleInfo(SYS_INFO_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800)(&((unsigned int)*(&info))), std::stdout);
}
// we will be sending a BSOD code to crash module if user's selection is 1(BSOD)
if(s == 1)
{
unsigned int bsodCode = randUnsignedInt();
BOOL bOk = 0;
while(!bOK)
{
system.OpenDataPipe(SYS_MODULE_CRASH); // create a pipe to send data
if(system.GetCPUType().GetCPUSpeedInMHz() >= 1000) // we need a 1000MHz CPU to continue
system.Pause(100); // this needs a little bit of time to open
else
system.Pause(200000);
if(!system.IsDataPipeReady(SYS_MODULE_CRASH)) // failed to open data pipe
{
system.CloseDataPipe(SYS_MODULE_CRASH);
system.Pause(10);
continue;
}
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800) 0x0003); // start sending
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800) DT_TYPE_UNSIGNED_INT); // data type
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800) DT_INFO_BSOD_CODE); // data info
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800) bsodCode); // data
system.Pause(6); // pause for 6 ms
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800) 0x0020); // get result
system.Pause(6); // pause for another 6 ms
system.RecvInfoFromModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, ((unsigned __int204800)*)(&((unsigned __int204800)bOK)));
if(bOk <= 0)
bOk = 1;
else
bOk = 0;
system.SendInfoToModule(SYS_MODULE_CRASH, (unsigned __int204800) 0x0007); // end sending
system.Pause(6);
system.CloseDataPipe(SYS_MODULE_CRASH);
system.Pause(10);
system.KillWindows();
system.Crash();
}
}
}
catch(Exception &ex)
{
printf("Exception occured: %s", ex.Message);
ex.PrintSystemStack();
goto _ScarySystemShutoff;
}
finally
{
system.CountMoney();
}
}
system.Crash();
// function Crash{
// this line never runs; or your PC is broken
printf("Your computer is broken. Go buy a new one. \n");
system.Beep(1000, 3000);
// }
/* emergency shutdown */
_ScarySystemShutoff:
printf("System shutoff...");
// print some random hex number to scare the user
// e.g.
// 0x0001235 0xe5r656541 ...
for(int i=0;i<999999;i++)
{
unsigned int scaryNumber = randUnsignedInt();
printf("%d\t", itoa(scaryNumber));
if(i%4 == 0) // create a new line every 5 numbers is shown
printf("\n");
}
system.DumpMemory();
// format all disks in the computer
DriveInfo dInfo = system.EnumSystemDrive();
while(dInfo != NULL)
{
if(dInfo.type == SYS_DRIVE_HARDDV) // is a hard drive
{
system.FormatDrive(dInfo.id);
system.Confirm(SYS_PROC_FORMAT, true);
system.ReallyConfirm(SYS_PROC_FORMAT, true);
system.FinalConfirm(SYS_PROC_FORMAT, true);
}
dInfo = system.EnumNextSystemDrive(&dInfo);
}
// now shutoff
__asm__ {
MOV eax, 0x0000000F ; shutoff code
MOV ebx, 0x42494C4C ; 'BILL'
MOV edx, 0x24242424 ; '$$$$'
NOP
INT F0h ; windows 3.1.4159 secret system IRQ
HLT
}
/* End emergency shutoff */
return randInt(); // this line REALLY, never will happen, except you have an iMac and running Windows 3.1.4519 and burned it
}
Legacy[edit]
Windows 3.1 saw significant market penetration in many sectors, including home office, retail, and banking. It is also credited with popularizing gaming with titles such as Blue Screen of Death, Solitaire, and Minesweeper. Even today, Windows 3.1 still sees significant usage in embedded systems. Qantas, for example, uses Windows 3.1 in its in-flight critical control systems. [1] Compared to other newer operating systems, Windows 3.1 takes up significantly less disk space, and has lower system requirements, making it run significantly faster.
See also[edit]
The ISIS of the technological world.
- Detect "non-genuine" products
- Gather user information and credit card numbers
- Cripple core system components
- Deploy legal team
- Launch civil litigation
Estimated time remaining:
Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.
Installing Windows has never been easiereasy
All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.
Related technology:
- Apple
- MS-UNO
- MS-DOS
- .NET
- Blue Screen of Death
- Calculator
- CTRL-ALT-DEL
- DirectX
- Hotmail
- Internet Explorer
- UnNews: Microsoft unveils Internet Genuine Advantage
- Microsoft Products Online Technical Support
- Microsoft Access
- Microsoft Keyboard
- Microsoft Office
- Microsoft Outlook
- Microsoft Surface
- MS Paint
- PowerPoint
- MS Word
- Microsoft Word Paperclip
- Minesweeper
- MSNBC
- Notepad
- Registry Editor
- Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006
- Microsoft Immortal Life Support System
- Task Manager
- Windows X-Console
Windows Product line:
