Swayzak

“Don't bug me over dumb shit, kid, or I'll just block you. First and last warning.”

~ Jason DeSaad on his most well-known creation, after realizing he had screwed up big time

“You'll never defeat us!”

~ Swayzak on COVID-19

Swayzak trying to look like a much more efficient villain.

Swayzak is a computer virus who's the closest thing Harvey Birdman has to a son. He is known for stealing from Home Depot and Walmart routinely once he realized he'd never be close to an actual villain due to his wimpiness and overconfidence.

Swayzak was initially conceived by Jason Derulo as Cartoon Network's version of Spawn, but smoking Disco Spinach 420 (jazz cabbage) and watching an episode of Buzz Lightyear of Star Command led the plan to be scrapped and the character's personality to be modeled after Zurg instead, just because he looked the part. Hoss Delgado from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy instead got the "badass anti-hero" treatment.

History

Early years

Swayzak was born in Auckland, New Zealand on an Apple II. He was one of the first computer viruses ever, as no one had heard of them in the early seventies. (That's actually a lie, because the Creeper system, NOT RELATED TO THE DC CHARACTER, first appeared in 1971.) He spent his days learning how to infect computers and reading comic books, particularly those featuring Martian Manhunter, his idol. The first system Swayzak ever infected was an Atari 2600, his own in fact, which made a game of Air-Sea Battle very glitchy, much to his amusement.

In the 80s, Swayzak would get into new wave group New Order and perform sneak attacks on computer systems, usually being forced out as he wasn't competent. Despite this, Swayzak still tried time and time again to improve his skills, usually failing. He also discovered his bisexuality, as he became attracted to not only the Invisible Woman, but also Mr. Fantastic. He also discovered he had an endo fetish when he watched the Super Friends episode where Superman and Wonder Woman went inside Aquaman, but he found the insides of women and children disgusting. Clearly, Swayzak has the worst traits in a human being, but stays away from minors.

In the 90s, Swayzak would move to America and make friends with board game superstar the Omega Virus and Canadian (eh) computer virus Megabyte. Also during this time, Swayzak would infect several ships, actually maintaining control over them a few times, which only served to boost his ego. That would just make things worse for him in the following years. He'd also listen to The Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" on repeat, claiming he'd "hack the planet..." like that would ever happen.

2002: His mass media debut (sort of)

Swayzak, in one of his most diabolical plans yet (to him), infected the Absolution, the ship owned by TOM, as well as several other ships in the area, in attempt to make them crash into Earth. Swayzak showed up on the Absolution's monitor, replacing the ship's AI, Sara, and did nothing but trash talk TOM, which he got tired of. Eventually, it became clear what Swayzak's main problem was: he got angry and didn't think straight once he knew he was losing. However, Swayzak retaliated by infecting TOM and turning him into a complete jerk who ruined everyone's day at the beach. Unfortunately, Sara soon wished for her beloved robot companion to be an awkward dork once again, and faking an endo fetish (since she's EVIL), went inside TOM to fight Swayzak. Swayzak died a Disney Death and was absorbed into a microchip.

2003: Adoption

Swayzak eventually broke out of the microchip using his relative strength, which took almost an hour due to the sum of it. Looking for a place to crash, Swayzak found Harvey Birdman's courtroom, and landed there in the middle of a trial. Harvey was very surprised, and assuming Swayzak didn't have any parents all his life (which is correct), offered to take him in as his foster "son."

A weekend at Harvey's house post-Swayzak is like a weekend at Ted Nugent's house. Swayzak blares Moloko, New Order and techno while watching Star Wars (mostly the prequels, due to them having Temuera Morrison) and eating Cool Ranch Doritos. Harvey thinks Swayzak is like a rebellious teenager, while Swayzak wants to learn the way of the attorney from Harvey. Once, while Harvey was away, Swayzak threw a party attended by the Omega Virus, Megabyte, the Phantom Virus, and strangely enough Harvey's client Black Vulcan, who Swayzak was definitely in love with. Black Vulcan got so drunk, all he could say was "Great Lightning!" over and over again. When Harvey found out Swayzak held this party, he grounded him for one week.

Swayzak eventually made a cameo in Toonami co-host Sara's review of the game Rez, using a webcam and a homemade studio. He disguised his voice to make him sound like Sinestro, and sadly didn't get any from Sara, who was in her hotter and sexier new body, leading him to go into mild depression, buy Rez, and nickname the lead character after himself.

NOOOOO, I'M SICK OF SWAYZAK, I'M SICK OF SWAYZAK!!

A year later, Cartoon Network began airing a bumper for their crappy show The Life and Times of Juniper Lee in which we see a red-and-black coloured character that looks suspiciously like Swayzak, who Juniper then deletes from her screen. In reality, this character's name was Loki, and he had beaten up Swayzak on New Year's Eve 2004 and stolen his identity. Loki later went on to shoot up a Waffle House in 2018.

Later years

When the 2013 blockbuster The Hunger Games: Catching Fire came out, Swayzak became obsessed with minor antagonist Romulus Thread, sensing a connection between the two.

Swayzak learned how to steal from Home Depot and Walmart once he realized there was no way he was going to be an efficient villain due to his wimpiness and overconfidence. He does it routinely to get anything he wants, like a PlayStation 4, and nobody knows he's there. Swayzak also made friends with Space Ghost's evil lunatic twin brother Chad Ghostal, who gave him a beret. Now Swayzak finds himself absorbed into the beatnik culture, and one of his weird-ass poems, entitled "Can Take Pancake," has gone viral due to its absurdity.

Swayzak was sad once he found out he'd never have a partner, as people think he's "pure evil" and thus shouldn't have one. Swayzak now goes after his childhood idol, the Martian Manhunter, as they both have similarities (both disguise as a Black man, for example.) But nothing has changed about Swayzak for the most part. He still watches BattleBots, listens to meme mashups, and is pretty damn good at making mac-n-cheese.

Later on, the people who ran Toonami found out that Swayzak needed character development and a supporting cast. So they gave him expies of Batman characters to (hopefully) spice things up a little bit. Characters like Alexa Campbell (who is also an Amazon home system), Hannah DeBarge, Dolan Jones (who is named after a shitty meme version of Donald Duck), Theorem, and Varcelis sound like they were made up by a college student just beginning to write TV and film rather than an experienced writer's doing.

Trivia

• Swayzak's favorite Injustice 2 character is Brainiac, though he does have a crush on Cyborg.
• Swayzak is not to be confused with the techno group of the same name, although they're one of his favorite groups and their album Dirty Dancing came out a week after his mass media debut. He is also not to be confused with the Backdraft character of the same (last) name. (How that character got that as a last name even Swayzak, the virus, doesn't know.)
• Swayzak knows of Harvey Birdman's earlier adventures as simply "Birdman." Once, he was watching a DVD of it he stole from Walmart, and Harvey walked in the room, asking him "What you know about this?" Swayzak was definitely confused.