UnNews:Biden dumps bike, nation clamors for reform

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, May 15, 2024, 12:33:59 (UTC)
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18 June 2022

Casually dressed Secret Service agents who were jogging alongside the President assure that he suffered no damage except to his reputation, and grope for this reporter's cellphone.

REHOBOTH BEACH, Maryland -- U.S. President Joe Biden fell off his bicycle during a ride here, in an episode that is sure to spawn a Congressional Commission and bipartisan legislation to prevent a recurrence.

Biden, who is virtually 100 years of age, or would be if he ran for re-election and then disregarded the term limit in the U.S. Constitution and ran a couple more times, was wearing a helmet at the time, as well as six Coronavirus masks, as safety is his top priority when performing outrageous stunts to display his vigor. The Secret Service quickly dusted off Biden's suit and assured spectators, "Nothing to see here, folks, move along." The White House explained to reporters that the incident happened when Biden attempted to remove his foot from the bicycle's pedal, something that could happen to anyone. Even if not senile.

Doctor Jill was unable to practice medicine, as she had been bicycling at a brisk 3 mph and was thus half a mile ahead of the President at the time of the mishap.

The President's detractors, who have noted that Biden stutters, gets figures wrong by orders of magnitude, coughs during important speeches, and forgets the names of colleagues and former Presidents, will surely make the most of this pratfall. It will be added to the long list of Existential Threats, that is to say, threats to the existence of the nation, which already include scary weather, money inequality, and harsh words directed toward African Americans.

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg toyed with an official declaration that bicycles are as racist as urban expressways are, but settled on a recommendation that bicycles be required to come with training wheels and that it be a federal crime to remove them. The opposition was instantaneous. Deplorables Clem Travis and Buzz Sexton remarked in unison on what used to be the Rush Limbaugh Show, "The President on training wheels? America will be the laughingstock of the world!"

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