UnNews:Desserts shrink from climate change

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23 June 2015

The Arctic roll is melting away, as latest climate-change study takes the biscuit.

ADELAIDE, Austrailia -- The threat of climate change to global-warming related puddings is so great that it could mean the end of cake slices and custard within the next 20 years.

According to the latest research by the Australian Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, global warming has caused a marked reduction in the average size of the Arctic Roll. Annually, there has been a three percent shrinkage, on average, for the last twenty years. Previously, the average has only been one percent. Results have also shown similar figures with levels of icing sugar.

Penguins are at risk or extinction from the annual size reduction of the Arctic roll.

The Panel are concerned that climate change not only affects climate-change-related events, but also things that have a name related to the climate, or indeed change, or both. A team of volunteer bakers from the University of Melbourne Slimming Club had been tasked by the Panel to measure the volume, surface area and icing levels in eco-related baking, by baking cakes in simulated atmospheres from the past and future.

“In the future, there will be no climate and everything will burn,” said Dr Glenn Fitzgerald, a senior researcher for the Victorian government, who led the study, “so we baked each cake in a progressively hotter oven, at the same time reducing atmosphere until there was a vacuum.

Dr Fitzgerald concludes that, by 2035, all climate-change cakes will be so small, dry and tasteless they would have to be sold as top-the-dollar “Mother Earth Eco-Concientious Cake Range” or cheap biscuits, depending on the packaging.

“This poses a real threat to the Penguins,” he continued, “They may be the most common Arctic-based biscuits in the marketplace today; however, the poor Penguin would not survive such competition. If we don't start taking drastic action now, there is a risk all we'll have left is a baked Alaska.”