UnNews:Dole seeks to share Limbaugh renown with chemo

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 07:18:59 (UTC)
Dole seeks to share Limbaugh renown with chemo UnNews Logo Potato.png

18 February 2021

Dole was elated by the diagnosis, which might be the entree for a political comeback.

RUSSELL, Kansas -- Bob Dole has announced he will follow in the footsteps of late American talk radio star Rush Limbaugh by undergoing chemotherapy.

Limbaugh attracted massive national attention and a mention from former President Donald Trump on Wednesday, when he completed treatment for Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Dole, 97, twice Senate Leader and the 1996 Republican Party nominee for U.S. President, obviously hopes to walk in the star's footsteps by coming out with his diagnosis of the same disease. Unlike Limbaugh, Dole was not addicted to cigarettes but merely Viagra.

"Chemo" is a marvelous modern therapy where Medicine kills a human body and hopes that the cancer dies first. Limbaugh was out every third week and his listening audience got Mark Steyn instead, resulting in much additional sickness.

After a legislative career as "the tax collector of the welfare state" and his loss to Bill Clinton, Dole turned into a television celebrity, injecting needed half-smiling self-deprecation into late-night comedy shows like The Daily Show, and later a pitch-man for the vital Erectile Dysfunction drug. Whereas Trump, following his loss to the even more ridiculous Joe Biden, had been virtually tongue-tied until Limbaugh went down, except for a single exchange with Sen. Mitch McConnell, with McConnell urging Trump to get off the golf course and into jail, and Trump calling the Senator "dour," not to mention in the pocket of Red China.

The sudden signs of life from the Republicans could set the stage for a 2024 primary contest, Trump re-energizing his MAGA movement while Dole, then 100, marshals the business-as-usual wing of the party, with acrid press releases flying between convalescent home and emergency room.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Dole_seeks_to_share_Limbaugh_renown_with_chemo&oldid=6086076"