UnNews:English obscenity enters German language

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5 July 2013
Berlin, Germany

Mouth like a short-changed hooker.

According to German dictionary, Duden, a new word has officially entered the language. “Shit-storm”, a word unknown in English until its invention by Mother Theresa of Calcutta in 1987, has become so common that German language experts voted it “Anglicism of the Year”.

Michael Mann, Professor of German at the prestigious University of Wolfsburg, claimed that “Anglicisms enter the language when there is a need for them, either because there is no German equivalent or because the Anglicism expresses a feeling more intensely. I explained as much to my now ex-wife some years ago but I don’t think she understood, the brain-dead whore.”

The word “Shitstorm” is now commonly used by the highest and lowest in the land and when Chancellor Merkel used it at a public meeting, nobody batted an eyelid. Merkel, who yesterday lambasted the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, David Cameron, as “a jumped-up spunk-monkey never happier than when he has Obama’s Blood-Wurst wedging open his brown eye-ball denied that there was any problem adopting a word rarely heard on the BBC and reportedly only twice publicly uttered by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. “Only a fucktard would think this sort of thing is worth worrying about,” she said. “Frankly with the Euro-crisis still to sort out and those lazy Wop bastards in Greece and Portugal sitting on their fat arses looking for hand-outs like hobo fucking Meths drinkers outside McDonalds, I have more important shit to think about.”

Pressed on the developing international outrage at her reaction to the unseating of Australian PM Julia Gillard (“That ginger bitch got what was coming to her. Frankly I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. All fur coat and no knickers that one, as they say in Britain), Merkel told our reporter “It’s only the wankers like you in the media who give a fuck. I was just pleased to see Paul Rudd making a comeback. He may be a twat of the first order but at least he won’t try to give my husband a tongue-salad while I’m addressing the bastard United Nations.”

Not all nations were equally sanguine. Professor Giuseppe Calva of the Italian Lexicographer’s Association said Italian is blessed with a wealth of obscenities of it own. We do not need to borrow yours. The English think everyone should speak their language so they don’t have to learn anyone else’s, the lazy cunts.”

French language guardians, L'Académie Française, are notoriously protective of the purity of their own tongue and were equally dismissive. Spokesman, Madame Lucienne D’Orleans, said there are no plans to add English swears to the French Lexicon “Je n’aime pas ce mot, shitstorm. C'est un fucking pointless waste of breath.”