UnNews:Hillary previews auto-documentary
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| Hillary previews auto-documentary | 
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22 January 2020
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Hillary Clinton has revealed tantalizing bits of her forthcoming auto-documentary I, Hillary in an exclusive interview with The Hollywood Reporter. Ghost written by Isaac Asimov, it is a detailed and incredibly boring account of her lifelong habit of getting involved with unreliable men. From her teenage passion for Bill 'Who, me?' Clinton to her present antics with an old guy from Vermont, each disastrous fling is spread out on the dissecting table to illustrate the abysmal taste of a nation that repeatedly refuses to elect her as President.
"It is inconceivable that I was not seen as the natural successor to my husband when his use-by date clicked over. Look at Eva Peron and Kristina Kirchner. Why Imelda Marcos almost aced it and Isabel Dos Santos is still a contender."
"Well, Ms. Clinton, the tradition of passing the office of Chief Executive to the nearest relative is really only popular in places like North Korea and similar democracies by dictatorial fiat."
"Of course, I am a great defender of democracy, although its shortcomings are blindingly apparent to anyone has been denied the chance to Make America Nice Again. The demented ramblings of this Bernie Sanders, to the effect that the American people are hesitant to place a woman in the White House, must be shouted down at every opportunity."
"What is your response to rumors that you are a mutant prototype for the movie The Stepford Wives that escaped the set and have since become the leader of the Robot Ladies?"
"First, I would like to say that nobody likes Bernie Sanders. He even admits it himself, revealing that the only reason he keeps running for President is that his wife doesn't want him loafing around the house annoying the animals."
"This doesn't seem to answer the question of whether you are a robot or not, Ms. Clinton."
"Just look at the tremendous job I did as Secretary of State. I mean, you imagine playing second or third fiddle to a tremendously popular guy who just happened to inherit one of the great economic disasters of recent times. While he's juggling the financial fate of the nation, who cares about somebody who is pissing off world leaders around the globe."
"But the robot thing..."
"Well, how about the way old Bernie treats the other Democratic candidates? He's just relying on the entrenched patriarchal sentiment of the lower orders to give some legitimacy to his campaign. I am very suspicious that he is in the service of the Great Patriarch Donald Trump, trying to win the Democratic nomination so that he can take a dive in the election. This will all come out in the media after the election. Trump can't depend on the Russian influence any more."
"Do you have any comment at all about rumors of ..."
"When the American public watch I, Hillary, I am certain that there will be a movement to draft me as a last minute hope for women everywhere. I may consider this as long as it looks like I have the numbers."
"Thank you, Ms. Clinton."
"There are a few more things about Bernie Sanders that I would like to get on the record..."
Sources[edit]
- Lacey Rose "Hillary Clinton in Full: A Fiery New Documentary, Trump Regrets and Harsh Words for Bernie: "Nobody Likes Him"". The Hollywood Reporter, January 21, 2020