UnNews:Hillary unveils campaign disguise

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15 April 2015

Ms. Clinton here claims to be "Scooby Doo" to avoid interacting with pesky potential constituents.

DACRON, Ohio -- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned up at a Chipotle restaurant here in disguise.

Ms. Clinton wore sunglasses and a fake nose-and-mustache Halloween costume left over from an incognito trip to the Middle East, in order to make a "pit stop" after announcing her candidacy. The disguise allowed her to avoid adding the results of that trip to her massive list of "accomplishments."

Chipotle manager Max Tenochtitlán said, "It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen! She is the first political candidate who has ever been in and left without going table-to-table to shake every unwilling hand in the place." The lack of desire to meet constituents has not been seen since 2010, when Martha Coakley decided against braving drizzle to "press the flesh" at a Boston Red Sox game, en route to losing Ted Kennedy's safe Senate seat to Scott Brown. It is not clear whether Ms. Clinton believes that touching voters is risky, though in 1993, she did think it unwise to allow White House subordinates to gaze directly at her.

This file photo shows another of the disguises of the likable Hillary Clinton. Emails on her personal official server in the basement get comparable attention to security.

There were many "everyday Americans" in the restaurant. Ms. Clinton made them a theme of her kickoff speech, announced through a video posted on Facebook made by an Animatronic puppet programmed not to cackle. (Everyday Americans are distinct from the Americans who return to Ciudad Juárez at night.) She said she wanted to be their champion, provided they do not interrupt her meal. The ones here did not, because she made no effort to talk to any of them. Rush Limbaugh, who was in the restaurant enjoying his seventh lunch of the day, said Ms. Clinton avoided not just him but the tip jar, saying, "I'm not thirsty."

Campaign Manager Charles Gepetto said the candidate ordered a chicken burrito. "She got great food,” the manager told ABC News. “Everybody loves Chipotle.” Mr. Gepetto understood that everyday Americans want to know that their candidate loves what they love, as opposed to murky policy questions such as what really happened in Benghazi and why Americans would be better off if it were a crime to pay cash for health care. Ms. Clinton then returned to the campaign bus, nicknamed "Scooby Doo" in view of the fact that the whole campaign is a dog.

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UnNews Senior Editors are currently arguing over the gender-neutrality of this related article:

Hillary may have declared her candidacy

The inevitable nominee of the Democratic Party might view proletarian hands as grimy, but she did pick up the burrito and eat it without using a knife and fork. This instantly led to an offer from Britain's Conservative Party, which said the trait makes her better than David Cameron.

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