UnNews:Lord Sewel: It wasn't coke and whores

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27 July 2015

Lord Sewel insisted that snorting sugar of your sister's naked chest is not questionable conduct but merely looks like it.

WESTMINSTER, London -- Lord Sewel has been suspended from the Labour Party and is under investigation after video footage was released allegedly showing the Peer snorting cocaine off two prostitute's chests. Sewel has denied the accusation, claiming it was some caster sugar and they were just his sisters.

At a press conference, Lord Sewel said of the video: "It was just some innocent family role-play fun. I was the dodgy politician with a pretend bag of cocaine and my sisters were whores." He laughed, "I can see how there could have been a mix-up." Sewel added that, despite these accusations, he has no intention of quitting his position as arbiter of standards and conduct in the House of Lords.

According to his leaked "family video," the reason for remaining a peer while this all blows over is financial. Sewel, in a scene where he is wearing one of his sister's bras, tells them he needs the £200 a day taxpayer-subsidized allowance to pay for whores and cocaine — although he quickly added he buys wine and pills too.

Sewel's financial travails are understandable as he ekes out a mere £36,000-a-year government allowance for his London home, where he is chauffeur-driven after work in Westminster to intimate family parties. Lord Sewel also gets paid £84,500 for his role in enforcing the House of Lords membership code which, according to Sewel, "punishes the small number of Peers who misbehave."

Snorting "sugar" off his sister's bare breasts, Sewel discussed the mundane issues of the day, such as how the Prime Minister is "facile and superficial," Alex Salmond, a "silly pompous prat," London Mayor Boris Johnson "a joke" and a "public school upper class twit," and Cherie Blair as "obsessed with money." He went on to ask his sisters if there will be any “nice little young Asian women” at another party, adding, “they sort of look innocent but you know they are whores”.

Lord Sewel disagrees that the video is the epitome of political scandal that marks his career suicide, but is just a misinterpreted afternoon with the family. The video concludes with Lord Sewel saying that Jeremy Corbyn was useless, Andy Burnham was mealy-mouthed, Yvette Cooper was weak and he didn't remember the other one, but she was a clueless Blairite. He concluded in the video that he thought the Labour Leadership was a "f***ing mess" and a disgrace to politics, before vomiting and falling off the bed naked and unconscious.